Shit Stories Part IV

Have you ever played a lot of tennis or badminton or anything else that exhausts your forearms? It’s always amazing how simple actions become harder with tired forearms. I once discovered that after playing hours of badminton, sticking up my middle finger became impossible. Who would’ve thought? And amongst these difficult tasks is wiping your ass. If you keep up with my blog or know me in real life, you would know that I’ve spent the past few months being unemployed and worthless. I do nothing with life and don’t even exercise. But one day, all of a sudden, wiping my ass was as difficult as if I had exercised. I coined a term with my friends where I label my (lack of) actions as next level laziness. I hope that my next level laziness doesn’t make me stop wiping. That would be beyond next level laziness. And even beyond that would be not even bothering to shit in a toilet. Hopefully, I can maintain two levels away from voluntarily shitting my pants.

I play tennis all day and I can still reach my ass.

I play tennis all day and I can still reach my ass.

I have a few theories on why I might have had a difficult time wiping my ass:

Theory A

Maybe I’ve been eating and shitting so much that the repetition of having to wipe has become an exercise.

Theory B

Maybe I jerked off too much. This theory applies because jerking off exercises foremans; not to be mistaken that there’s any relationship between my masturbating and my asshole.

Theory C

Maybe my body just decided to disintegrate and I’m reaching a point in life where I can’t even wipe my own ass or jerk myself off.

You call those theories?

You call those theories?

I try to have more than one story for each of my blog entries and keeping right on track, I have a second shit story. That’s right, I didn’t write that last story for a few days because I was saving up for a second story, not because I’m a lazy shithead who doesn’t work and can’t even keep up a blog. I’m wrapping up the second story right now and it turns out that both these stories are lengthy enough to be their own entries so I’ll publish them separately. If you love these shit stories, buckle down because the next story will be coming up in a few minutes if it isn’t out already.

I can't wait.

I can’t wait.

Explaining “Fucking” In Languge

Sometimes, a saying makes more literal sense than we think. When we saying something is fucking good, we’re saying that it’s as good as sex. When we call someone a fucking jerk, we’re saying that the guy might as well be fucking you. The jerk is fucking you against your will of course so he’s essentially raping you. We better think twice before calling someone a fucking jerk because it’s quite an accusation.

However, I can’t quite figure out the explanation for calling someone a fucking asshole. If there’s some sort of non consensual sexual intercourse happening, the asshole isn’t the one on the offensive. Perhaps the person is an asshole because it was originally consensual sex and I was expecting to be fucking a vagina hole and then part way through I suddenly realize that I was fucking a dude’s ass so that’s why I’m saying “You fucking asshole.” Calling someone a fucking asshole is actually an exclamation of surprise. It’s also important to note that in this scenario, even though the other person’s the asshole, I am an active participant so it’s not the same as the other person being a jerk. Before we call someone a fucking asshole, perhaps we should first re-evaluate our involvement in the conflict.

…Or don’t do any re-evaluating at all because I only wrote this fucking bullshit for fun and there isn’t any profound meaning to extrapolate out of it. Speaking of which, fucking bullshit is as bad as suddenly realizing I’ve been fucking a piece of bull’s shit. I think that pretty much summarizes what you just read.

Circle Jerk (Comment Topic)

Circle jerking is a very unfortunate byproduct of our over-privileged society. The victim in the center of a circle jerk suffers humiliation beyond words, that the word “humiliation” makes light of the situation. I wish I could be a jesus-esque martyr and be in the center of all circle jerks. Only humans can be savage enough to gang bully others of the same species. What other species is cruel enough to surround one of their kind and be a jerk to them? I have enough self-esteem to endure bullies and jerks so I will take the verbal abuse in place of anyone who would otherwise be forced to be in the center of a circle jerk.

Just kidding. I was only playing dumb. I know circle jerking is cum related and I’m not about to shower myself in cum for someone else.

This is my first comment topic entry and it proves to be a difficult one. Any circle jerk story would be good material to draw from but unfortunately, I have never been blessed with the privilege to partake in this activity.

I first heard this term on a podcast: Never Not Funny created by Jimmy Pardo. It’s one of Pardo’s few recurring jokes that I actually enjoy. I hope Jimmy and Matt (his producer) never sees this. I’ve listened to the first 6 seasons and part way through the 4th season, I realized that I don’t enjoy his humor. I like his stories and there are some undeniably funny things but there are a lot of things that Jimmy considers funny that I don’t. He’s the professional and I’m a nobody so it’s too bad that he’s infinitely more credible than me in the field of comedy. Listening to all those hours has helped me distinguish the kinds of jokes I do and don’t enjoy. It’s actually a really tough task to define the kind of comedy one enjoys. Give it a try if you don’t believe me. All genres have poor quality products so simply picking a genre doesn’t define one’s comedic taste.

Circle jerking also comes up in the context of a masturbation contest. I have no idea where I would’ve heard rules for some such contest (because I know it wasn’t in real life). But the only one I’ve heard about is a contest of who can finish last. That’s wrong though. The “game” balance is completely thrown off and there are too many ambiguous scenarios for rules. The only way to have a masturbation contest is to see who can finish first. Finishing first is the standard goal for competitions after all. Masturbation contest is probably the only competition in which the winner actually possess a skill that’s detrimental in real life. Too bad this is one of few contests I have confidence in winning.