Problems I Caused That Are Not My Fault

This past month, there have been three incidents that something bad happened to someone else and it wasn’t my fault. However, I still feel guilty because the bad thing wouldn’t have happened if I wasn’t there. It’s really weird to explain but I’ll just go ahead and describe those incidents.

 

The first one was me doing that last stand up comedy thing. Without going into too much detail, The psychic got into a fight with his band about bringing me up on stage more and he left the band for a few weeks. I don’t know if I would even do it justice explaining the situation further so I’ll just leave it at that. There was already tension in the band and the fight was gonna happen eventually and it wasn’t my fault for sucking too much or anything, but the specific fight wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t show up to do the stand up gig.

 

The next incident is when my girlfriend visiting Toronto. We were taking a walk and we were getting home for dinner and I instigated a little run. After running about 10 seconds, I… I just got bored about writing this entry. The topic is still sort of interesting but I lost interest in my examples. I’ll just finish it though. After 10 seconds, I suggested to stop but she kept running and her phone fell out of her pocket and the screen cracked some more. It was already previously cracked and if she had listened to stop running, it wouldn’t have broken. Even still, it’s not really my fault that she didn’t keep her phone safe. I wasn’t sprinting away or anything. Once again, not my fault, but it wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for me.

 

The last example is at my friend, Justin’s house. His girlfriend was there and she was sitting with a cup of tea while we were trying to troubleshoot a printer. I had been sickly that day and after a while, I gestured being tired and she offered for me to sit on the couch too. The couch was messy and whilst moving to make room for me, she knocked over her tea and broke the cup. Just like the theme of this whole thing, it wasn’t my fault, but it wouldn’t have happened if I weren’t there.

 

I don’t know how to feel about all this. Today also marks the 6th day I’ve got all diarrhea so I guess this is the story of my life going to shit.

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Parks And Recreation In Relation to My Creation And Maintenance of Relationships And Careers

I just watched the last season of Parks and Recreations and cried like a little bitch in almost every episode. Every time I cry when I’m watching a show (which seems to be increasingly frequent), it always feels like I’m mixing in a ton of other emotions. I’ve always felt like I’m just crying about other shit and what’s happening on screen is merely a tiny trigger that made it easier for me to cry. But the more I think about it, maybe that’s actually the normal reason to cry when watching something.

 

A lot of people coupled up in the show and watching their loving relationships made me feel things from a relationship I just officially broke up from yesterday. Although I felt like I’ve invested way more than my fair share, I still could’ve done more. Is it the man’s responsibility to selflessly give everything to enhance the woman’s life? The way April hesitated for Andy to leave his TV show to move to Washington for her… The story arc was very short but I think it succinctly summed up all there was to tell. April felt bad that Andy had to change his life for her but he showed no hesitation which put her to ease. I was going to change my entire life for my relationship but I showed too much hesitation and that ruined everything. I hesitated, but I still wanted to do it, but that wasn’t good enough. Is it too much to be asking me to be like the awesome Chris Pratt – awesomer Andy Dwyer? (actually I don’t know which one is awesomer!) Maybe it is asking too much. I’m sure most people would never sacrifice so much with so little thought but I was pretty close….

 

Then there was Ben Wyatt and Leslie Knope, where Ben stepped down from running against Leslie. (If it isn’t obvious by now, this blog entry is going to refer to the show a lot.) Once again, the man just selflessly gave the woman everything and made her happy. Even if it objectively was not necessarily the better choice, it doesn’t matter because all it matters is that the woman’s happy. The objectively better choice thing made more sense for the Andy and April storyline; The Ben and Leslie one was fairly equal. Well, they actually made the right choice going for Leslie. I’m getting sidetracked. The main point is that the guy gave a lot to the girl and that was attractive and sexy.

 

There wasn’t any touchy story with Tom Haverford but there was one for Donna. In this relationship, the woman gave to the man. The guy in this relationship seemed kinda gay but that’s beside the point. This sort of breaks the trend I was spotting where the guy is expected to make more sacrifices – not completely though. This was just an exception where the woman was ridiculously far better off financially and it showed that there are no absolutes, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t still a strong trend. The numbers are still 2 vs 1 where men had to make more sacrifices and those sacrifices are arguably greater than Donna’s. I’m not demanding equal rights for men here or something stupid like that. I’m just trying to sort out my own personal feelings of whether I should’ve more readily sacrificed more and whether that should’ve been something I should do as a man, or even just as a lover – regardless of gender.

 

The other reoccurring theme in the finale (arc) was people getting bored of life and trying to find something meaningful to do. That happened to Ron and April. I’ve been struggling with that existential crisis long enough. The main difference is, those are fictional characters with fictional lives, living a fictional happy ending. Even then, they’ve put in years of working hard before chasing their dreams. I haven’t done shit. (Not completely true. I’ve done some shit but not enough…) Whether or not I deserve a dream job some day, I have not earned it yet. Plus, I don’t even know if such a job exists for me. I don’t have the luck to be blessed with a dream job without working hard for it but that’s not something I expect. I don’t really know what I’m doing with my life but apparently, people are starting to offer jobs to me (game development, book editing, mobile app development). The money’s not great yet, but it finally looks like it’s going somewhere and yet I haven’t worked on them for a few days now. Is it a legitimate excuse that I’m going through a heartbreak? I don’t know…. I hope I don’t fuck it up and lose these jobs but seeing as how I’ve been being a procrastinating fuck-up for the past few years, I really don’t know if I’m going to fuck up these opportunities. All I know is, I haven’t started my path on correcting things yet because I’m writing this blog and planning to play 3D Final Fantasy XIII after this, after I just finished binge-watching the last season of Parks and Recreation. The saddest part is, I’m not even going to enjoy playing games. I’ll probably get bored in a few minutes but I just rather do that than work at the moment. What am I working for? Once again, I find myself at a point in my life where I don’t have a future to look forward to. I also hate being such a depressing bum too….

Feeling Down

Feeling down – as usual.

 

Nothing to do – plenty to do but don’t really want to do them or feel guilty doing them instead of working.

 

No one to talk to – partially true? But more so that I hesitate to bother people about the same old crap.

 

Life – I knew you were tricking me when I thought things were getting better….

Email Transcript: Sigh…

I just sent an email to my friend Justin. I figured I’ll post it here too. I remember saying I didn’t want to be a bummer but I guess I’m just feeling extra shitty today.

 

You gotta appreciate what you have more man. So I spent the past month or so talking to various girls and none of them panned out at all. I just went for a walk with the girl that lives on my street and basically she just doesn’t like me. Apparently I’m too wild. wtf, seriously? lol. She didn’t say it so conclusively but it’s basically done. Then, after Laura hasn’t replied to a couple messages i sent her for a whole month, she replies saying she was busy with assignments. Like seriously, you can’t be so busy that you couldn’t have told me you were busy earlier. It’s simply an utter lack of respect from everyone. Sadly enough, as shitty as Laura is, if given the chance, I’ll probably go back. I’ve got no other options.

 

There are lots of things different about our lives, especially at this point, and I partially blame environmental conditions for my life’s shittiness. It’s not that I’ve been given conditions so shitty that they can’t be overcomed, but they’re definitely shittier. Think about everything you’ve got. As hard as it was for you to start clubbing, imagine having to make an extra 30 mins commitment per trip on transportation. Same thing with school. As hard as it was to go through it, imagine going through an extra hour of commute or having to work like crazy to have money to drive and park. Eldoled is kind of the reverse where you had to drive 30 mins which you didn’t have to drive if you lived where I lived but if you had my life, you wouldn’t have had the dad to connect you to that job to begin with.

 

Once again, it’s not like I had it so hard that the obstacles couldn’t be overcome but if we compare us 2 where we shared similar paths at one point, I was given shittier conditions at every step of the way. I’m so tired of this stupid life… Maybe I’ve feeling shittier because I’m off my meds now but there are also plenty of shitty external stimuli. I’ve already learned to not take a single word my family says seriously. My brother arranged to play board games with me during the day and he was out of the house the whole day without even a word. It’s one thing to not have anything, but it’s worse to constantly have people blatantly lie about doing stuff and showing complete no need to respect my feelings whatsoever. If I let myself feel more feelings, how could it be any better. I could go into more detail but whatever, there’s no point. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck shit.

Stop Being A Depressed Bum

I recently realized that being a depressed bum is very unattractive. It’s kind of stupid that it wasn’t obvious to me from the start. Lately, I’ve been feeling extra unfunny, unmotivated, and uninspired and I made sure everyone knew it. It isolated me from everyone. Expressing my depression doesn’t help me and just bums everyone out so I have decided to stop talking about it. If I feel like I need to talk to someone about it, I will, but I will no longer unsolicitedly talk about it.

 

On the other hand, there is a bright side to being depressed – my version of depression at least. I know I said I wasn’t going to talk about it but this is sort of a positive thing. Because I don’t care about myself much and so desperately want to win someone’s affection – even though I was nice before – I am now a lot more generous with my time, energy, and money. If anyone can benefit from me, it would make me happy to make someone else happy. Now I just need to wait for a special someone to come along and let me give her my all. Or him. If it’s a him, then it’s not a sexual thing or anything. I’m still straight. I know I should be actively pursuing instead of just waiting. The thing is, I really wish my special someone would be someone who is open with me enough to let me know they want me around. That way, I know who I should be giving my 100% to. Basically, I’m just begging for particular someone for ask me for my affection, lol.

 

I’m also starting to get an inkling of a spark to want to be funny. I may start pursuing stand up comedy, podcasting, or other funny creative outlets once again. Hopefully I do.

 

Oh, and I have an interview tomorrow for some job, that CNC thing. We’ll see how that goes.

Political Dating

In politics, candidates run campaigns and make tons of speeches and promises to look as good as possible regardless of whether they can be keep their word or not. The only goal is to get people’s approval and vote. After that, whatever happens happens and reality can never live up to the promises. As long as they are appealing at first, that’s all that matters. Dating is just like that. Sales is like that too. Heck, all of life is like that and I hate that.

 

In dating, guys will do everything in their power to make themselves as appealing as possible to girls. They have to, because everyone else is doing it. Everyone does it because it works. Without knowing anyone in depth, why wouldn’t a girl choose a guy who seems better on the surface? Who knows what’s under the surface. Some people can have a shitty surface and shitty insides. With a pretty surface, there’s at least that.

 

This is why life fails me… or why I fail at life, however you want to put it. I have no interest in putting up a show. I’m not going to wow anyone on a first date. I’m great in the long run but that doesn’t matter because I don’t ever get to start. I’m reliable, nice, and good at many things. I’ll be fun and funny eventually, just not at first. I’m helpful in many way. I’ll drive you to the airport with no complaints. I’ll drive your relatives to the airport. I’ll do anything. All you have to do is ask but no one’s asking.