Random Oversaturation And Fat Hooker Epilogue

It’s hard to title these entries because I talk about so many random topics by design. I also don’t like including the word “random” in the title all the time either. I think 80% of my entries start off with me commenting on the title. And probably 5% of my entries has me commenting on the fact that I comment on the title… I don’t know if I dislike these or not…

 

I’m writing yet another random word entry. Hopefully I’m not giving people too much crap to read. I’d like to think of it as being prolific, haha. I have a tendency to do something to death when I get positive feedback. Anyone who knows me probably sees that in other things I do. After finding out someone actually read my last entry, I feel motivated enough to write more. Technically speaking, nobody said they liked it but I’m just going to make that big fat assumption. I don’t trust the “like” button. It’s used for too many things other than its intended purpose. Some people might click “like” just so the person gets an email notification that links to their own blog. It can be used as a tool of advertising without actually having read the entry. I’ve been guilty of that myself. Surprisingly, I think most people who likes my stuff actually reads it. Maybe I’m the only dick who haphazardly clicks “like” and I’m projecting it onto other people. The other way I use the “like” button is just to let the person know I read it and didn’t hate it. It’s more of an “acknowledgement” button.

 

Hmm… I don’t think I even need to resort to the random word generator for this entry. There’s enough substance already. I already looked up 5 words though so I’ll probably keep writing after I post this. For now, I’ll write about the epilogue to my fat hooker story. I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it before. If you’re unfamiliar with the fat hooker story, you can search “fat hooker” on the right. Lower Than The Lowest Lows is the written entry on that. I also apparently recorded a couple podcasts on it too so it’s probably a fuller explanation if you consume all of that. I’m a little scared to revisit my podcast because I might discover how stupid I was. I don’t know if those are worth listening to or not, but it’s there if you want to hear them. I’ll listen to my podcast one day but today’s not that day yet.

 

A short version of the fat hooker story is that I was pathetically lonely at the time and the fat hooker was the only person responding on craigslist that night so I decided to try to take that relationship as far as I could. After visiting her (without having sex) and learning of her situation (she recently left home and is prostituting herself to make money to pay for the motel she was staying at), I tried to offer her to stay at my place to help her get back on her feet. It gets complicated because I live with my parents but it luckily never got that far. My offer piqued her interest but she was rightfully cautious about it and I was very fortunate that that was the case because it meant that I didn’t get into a mess that I was diving head first into.

 

…I just spent the last 10 minutes consulting the emails so I can write about this part without smudging with the facts. It was a pretty interesting read, lol. I should post that someday or read it on a podcast. It’s pretty long so I’ll just sum it up for this entry. Basically we had a falling out over email before I even met her a second time. That was probably one of the luckiest things to ever happen to me. Let’s just call it a clash of personalities. Interestingly, people seem to resort to name calling at this point but I am able to remain calm and rational and end the interaction with a few concluding statements without turning it into a big fight. I do that by taking the blame and apologizing and saying we’re probably better off not interacting anymore. I guess I’m just the bigger man. I wanted to write a joke about that, perhaps by contrasting it to myself being a tiny Asian man. I don’t love that premise because I don’t want to call myself a tiny Asian man. I got tired to trying to finish that joke and I think it might even be better if I didn’t bring it up but I’m just going to leave that incomplete thought there.

 

Here’s where the epilogue begins. A month later, she emailed me apologizing for her rudeness in the last email. By this time, I was no longer invested in the situation but I still exchanged a few friendly emails with her out of politeness. Apparently she had become homeless and started living in a shelter. There were about 20 emails back and forth. Neither of us made any mention of my previous offer for her to stay at my place but I got the sense that that’s what she was after. If she had asked about it, it would’ve been tough to respond to. I guess I dodged another bullet there. The story pretty much just ends here but I think this might be very unsatisfying to read. I guess I should include a few of my thoughts and analysis of the situation.

 

I only met her once but we had agreed on meeting more and becoming friends. We never did meet a second time. Every time the second meeting was being planned, she asked to borrow money. Money was involved in the first meeting too but I just considered it a charity and an investment in potential friendship (giving her the benefit of the doubt). I don’t know how truly crafty she was being or if there was a part of her that really would’ve wanted to be friends but she fucked it up by continually asking for money without putting in enough effort into the friendship first. I still believe there’s a slight possibility that she really did only need to borrow the money but it had become a bad investment for me for a friendship that hasn’t happened yet.

 

…I was going to write some thoughts on the epilogue too but I can’t seem to concisely put my thoughts into words so I’m just going to end this entry here. Perhaps there will be an epilogue to this epilogue someday.

Breaking Up With Hookers

I spent most of last night and today emailing hookers. If I’ve emailed you in the last 24 hours, please don’t mistakenly think that I’m calling you a hooker. I’m was emailing real hookers, from craigslist. I didn’t set out looking for hookers though. I just wanted to find some girls to talk to and they just all turned out to be hookers. After I found out they were hookers, I didn’t even mind. As cheap as I am, I was ready to pay. That’s how lonely I’ve been feeling lately.

Oddly enough, once they reveal that they’re hookers and I express my interest in their services, they stop replying. Maybe they were first timers and are second guessing their life choices. Maybe they were busy and had dicks in their mouths. Either way, it still made me feel lonelier. I couldn’t even get hookers to take my money. Eventually, I finally got one and when we were finalizing the deal, I saw a picture of her and I began to lose interest. The picture was okay, but it was small and you couldn’t really get a clear look at the girl. But then she described herself as a BBW – big beautiful woman – and that lost my interest. Often times, obese women would call themselves BBW so the term is kind of tainted. I think this hooker is a real BBW who’s a bit big but still pretty decent looking.

I hate how I can be so vain sometimes. I think it’s okay to be vain in the context of looking for a hooker, but I’m ashamed that my vanity carries on to other areas of life. Looks isn’t everything, but it’s definitely a thing. It’s not the most important thing, but it’s still definitely a thing. Being nice is the most important and attractive trait. If there are two people who are equally nice but one person is better looking, that better looking person is more attractive and lovable. That’s just the way things are. But if the uglier person is even a wee-bit nicer, then that person becomes more attractive. The problem is, when you don’t know a person yet, you can only judge them by their appearance. It takes a while to see whether someone is truly nice or not. It’s unfortunate, but often times, ugly people aren’t nice because they’re bitter. Some people claim that they don’t care about looks at all. I wonder if that’s really true or maybe they’re just deluding themselves or maybe a part of their brain is busted.

After I lost interest in the hooker, I needed to “break up” with her. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings because even though she’s a hooker, she’s still a person and has feelings. Maybe she doesn’t care, but maybe she does care. I’ve been unintentionally hurtful many times in my life and I don’t like hurting people. I wound up telling her that I’m chatting up a couple other girls and wanted to see if those get anywhere. I think I let her down easy without seeming like a dick or a total waste of time. I think I’m learning to become a better person by exchanging emails with hookers.

Loneliness and Godlessness

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to include blasphemy in my rants for fear I might offend a lot of people. But then I realized that I’ve already written racist and homophobic things so why stop now. It’s only fair for me to throw religion in the mix.

Being very depressed and lonely lately, I noticed that there’s two types of loneliness. One where I want someone to talk to, and another where I don’t even want to bother talking to people, which is what I’m feeling now. I don’t know which is worse. The latter should be worse but considering I don’t have anyone to talk to, the former is kind of worse for me. Either way, they both suck.

If God exists, why isn’t Jesus keeping me company? Why is he playing hard to get? There have been times when I’ve tried really hard to find Jesus but I’ve never felt a thing with him so it just feels stupid to keep chasing something I’ll never get. It feels even stupider than chasing girls. Even though I get nowhere with either things, at least I know the girls exist. Maybe I just haven’t found the right girls. Maybe Jesus decided it’s not the right time to meet me yet. Maybe I’m just terrible at chasing girls and deities.

About a half a year ago, a friend of a friend brought me to his church to try and help me because I was utterly depressed. He brought me to three different events and I saw no reason why he would think I would enjoy them. It’s as if he planned to just bring me there and let God do the rest. Too bad God doesn’t exist and no one did anything to me.