I am a true loner. On rare occasions, I get jealous of other people having fun with friends, or girlfriends, or boyfriends, or all of the above. But I don’t think I actually want to have some of my own. I think I’m just misinterpreting my hate for the noise they make. I simply hate seeing other people have fun, with or without me.
For the most part, I’m pretty content with being a loner. That’s different than a loser who’s alone. I have high standards for who I would befriend and since the standards are beyond what anyone’s capable of, I’m fine with not having anyone. A lonely loser has low standards and still fails to find people to meet them. He’ll cling to anyone or anything that shows them an inkling of kindness.
Being a loner and being a loser is not mutually inclusive. Above all else, I am a loner. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I’m not a loser. I kinda am. I’ve lost at life. I’m just saying that I’m not a loner because I’m a loser.
I wasn’t sure if I wanted to include blasphemy in my rants for fear I might offend a lot of people. But then I realized that I’ve already written racist and homophobic things so why stop now. It’s only fair for me to throw religion in the mix.
Being very depressed and lonely lately, I noticed that there’s two types of loneliness. One where I want someone to talk to, and another where I don’t even want to bother talking to people, which is what I’m feeling now. I don’t know which is worse. The latter should be worse but considering I don’t have anyone to talk to, the former is kind of worse for me. Either way, they both suck.
If God exists, why isn’t Jesus keeping me company? Why is he playing hard to get? There have been times when I’ve tried really hard to find Jesus but I’ve never felt a thing with him so it just feels stupid to keep chasing something I’ll never get. It feels even stupider than chasing girls. Even though I get nowhere with either things, at least I know the girls exist. Maybe I just haven’t found the right girls. Maybe Jesus decided it’s not the right time to meet me yet. Maybe I’m just terrible at chasing girls and deities.
About a half a year ago, a friend of a friend brought me to his church to try and help me because I was utterly depressed. He brought me to three different events and I saw no reason why he would think I would enjoy them. It’s as if he planned to just bring me there and let God do the rest. Too bad God doesn’t exist and no one did anything to me.