My email to Louis CK

This email will probably not get read by Louis CK. This blog post might not get read by anyone here on wordpress either. If there’s anything I have to say, it’s that if you love Louis CK, you should watch Horace and Pete, his latest show which I just found out about yesterday. Enjoy.

 

 

Hi Louis, I hope this email reaches you.

I know you’ve heard this a million times but I just want to tell you that everything you do is amazing. Hopefully this email will be a little nugget of positive energy in your day, even though I’m a nobody.
I’m in the middle of Horace and Pete and I knew I’d love your work. I’m going to finishing binge watching it right after I finish writing this email.
You probably can’t be bothered to reply to me. Even as a huge fan, I used to be a bit annoyed by that. As more time pass, I think it’s becoming more understandable to me. At the end of the day, it just boils down to the fact that I’m a nobody, which kinda sucks, but it is what it is. At this point, I guess I’m sort of content with the fact that there’s a chance you might read this and that’s about it.
From listening to your interviews and watching your shows, it seems that you still feel depressed from time to time. That sucks. It sucks that depressing feelings feel so shitty and it sucks to know that even being as successful as you won’t take depressing feelings away.
You’ve always been a huge inspiration for me and I hope to be even a fraction as successful and hardworking as you.
There’s something I’m curious about and you’re probably not the right person to ask. I do know that you’re very thoughtful and maybe you might have excellent insights on this very unimportant thing I’m about to describe.
I’m not in show business but I’m a guy who watches and listens to a lot of interviews and I have a working knowledge of a bunch of the show business lingo. I am also a hobbyist at writing and content creating (blog, videos, talks, video games, etc).
I’m curious about this little thing, brought on by the fact that I did not love episode 1 of Horace and Pete right off the bat, even though I know I’d love your work. Now, obviously you know what the fuck you’re doing and I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about. You talk about how many people read your script and knew it was amazing but I’m just shocked that my brain is so fucked up that I can’t really see it. The 100 year old bar tradition was the first captivating thing for me in episode 1. Up until that point, I was just hanging in there.
I think this is more of a problem with my perception of things so hopefully you didn’t feel insulted by my comment. I’ve heard that pilots are extremely difficult to make because you need to introduce all the characters and I know that 1st episodes of other amazing shows didn’t captivate me right away either. I also have this void where I do not enjoy travelling and seeing new places at all. Perhaps the internet age has ruined me because I find that there are many more amazing new content for me to consume on the computer screen than travelling in real life.
So anyway, what am I trying to say here? I’m tempted to delete this whole latter half of the email unless I can think of a way to wrap it up right now. … I guess I just wonder if you have any insights into the process of capturing a person’s interest. What is a deeper explanation behind a phrase like: “You’ll love this show after you watch the first 3 episodes.”
By the way, you mentioned something about 30 minutes after you first announced your first episode that people tweeted that they’ve watched the entirety of the 60 minute episode. I might have some interesting insight on that.
There’s this weird person I work with who believes in himself very strongly in pretty much everything he does. He told me that the way he watches TV shows is that he knows which parts he likes to see so he skips around the video to find the good scenes and he watches those. It sounds absolutely ridiculous and he has this arrogance that he knows exactly what he’s doing. So I guess now we know people like that exist out there. I told him that what he described sounded like a person skipping through Game of Thrones to find the boob scenes.
-Ted

Shit Stories Part XIV: My First Shit Story

This might be the last shit story I write and it’s going to be about the first shit story I’ve ever told. I was in university with a bunch of people who were kind of my friends. We were friendly with each other and hung out mostly out of convenience. They would invite me out and I tried my best to go out with them to enjoy their company, and it was okay, but it wasn’t enough for me to pursue the friendship. Evidently, I wasn’t a great additional to their group either since they eventually stopped asking me out. I don’t think it was because I scared them away with my shit story. If I did scare them away, it would be from trying to sell them sanitary napkins, including the guys. It was that phase of my life. I wasn’t being a pushy or anything though. People just got uncomfortable when certain words are brought up regardless of context.

The girls were as equally awkward as the guys when I talked about pads.

The girls were as equally awkward as the guys when I talked about pads.

I don’t remember why I was telling this shit story. Maybe it was because someone was complimenting my awesome huge pectoral muscles back then and instead of saying “thanks”, I reward them with a shit story. That’ll make a little more sense once you hear this shit story but it still doesn’t justify why I would talk about shit instead of saying “thanks”.

Reward...

Reward…

I started off by saying I wasn’t sure if this story was too personal (for them. It’s not personal at all for the blog.). In my bathroom, there’s a mirror right next to the toilet. Sometimes, when I plan to shower after taking a shit, I would take off all my clothes before taking the shit because I was going to take them off for the shower anyway. In the nude, I would look at the mirror and see some belly fat and I hated it. It was this constant reminder that helped motivate me to work hard at sculpting an awesomer body.

But my body could never get as good as that because I don't have boobs.

But my body could never get as good as that because I don’t have boobs.

I ended the story the same way I started, by saying I wasn’t sure if it was too personal or weird and this one guy was overreacting and said, “Yes. Of course that was too personal.” Even though I basically got negative feedback, I liked that I was able to hold people’s attention by talking about unconventional things and evoke emotion in them. That wasn’t the moment I realized I wanted to write a blog about shit stories or anything, but it was definitely a moment early on that showed me this is the path I will be taking. It reminds me a lot of this clip of Louis CK honoring George Carlin. The whole video is worth watching but I linked you straight to the part where Louis talks about a joke that got a wild negative-ish reaction from the crowd but he would rather have that than shitty laughs.

I would rather a girl look at me in disappointment, disgust, or confusion than to not have a girl look at me at all.

I would rather a girl look at me in disappointment, disgust, or confusion than to not have a girl look at me at all.

Rant and Wonder

It seems that every so often I decide that I get a little fed up with my parents’ bullshit and I vent about it online. This is another one of those times. About a year ago, I started listening to a lot of podcasts and nowadays, I listen to it on my psp. My hearing is adequate but I wish the psp could go a little louder because sometimes when there are other noises around me, I miss a word or two. It’s audible, but it’s not loud by any measure of the word. Three times now, my dad has wandered towards me and asked me why I have to listen to my things so loudly. Apparently, barely audible is too loud. Then I put my headphones on and my mom nags that I shouldn’t always wear headphones because it’ll make my deaf. Groundless non-fact babbled at me that completely contradicts what the other parent just said. And somehow, they actually don’t realize their own fucked up parenting. Either that, or they notice it but they try to ignore it and not address it because they know they are bad parents and they’re not trying to change that. Not long after, my dad would tell me to cheer up and not be so frustrated with myself and that I’m the only one annoying myself. There are clearly two external forces actively annoying me and yet I don’t know how he’s completely blind to it.

I’m forced to ignore all these retardedness because telling them would accomplish nothing. No wait, I take that back. Telling them off would actually accomplish giving them a reason to hate me and kick me out of the house and I’m not necessarily ready to be homeless or catalyze my prison plan yet. I’ve long since mentally prepared myself for homelessness and come to terms to it, as much as any sane, first-world person can, but I don’t want to actively trigger the event.

Now you might wonder what the “wonder” part of the title refers to. I was playing Dragon Ball Z Ultimate Tenkaichi and just fought Racoome. Racoome is kind of a retard but I just noticed that he’s also kind of flamboyantly gay. That’s when I started wondering about the existence of people who are gay AND retarded. I don’t think I’ve seen any, but they’re bound to exist. People (like me) often make fun of gay people and people (like me) often make fun of retarded people but I don’t think we combine them often enough. Obviously, I recognize that what I just wrote sounds kind of wrong, but it only sounds wrong and isn’t actually very wrong. Louis CK says it very well in this clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fTh9auIVVrA I think that’s from his special Shameless and it’s really funny and I can’t recommend highly enough for you to watch it. If you get any enjoyment out of reading my writing, you must watch that one minute clip because he says it so well. Even if you don’t enjoy my writing, you should watch it anyway because Louis CK is better than me; his fame and fortune and my lack of fame and fortune is evidence of that. We make fun of gay people not because of their homosexuality, but because of their abnormal flamboyant behavior. We don’t make fun of the sex at all because that’s not funny. It’s kind of gross. Actually, all sex is pretty gross. Same with retards. We don’t make fun of them because of their disability. We make fun of their retarded behaviors which happens to be caused by their disability. We don’t make fun of the difficulty they have adjusting to life because that’s not funny. It’s sad. I guess their inability to adjust to social protocol is part of the difficulty they experience…

Hmm… I think I’ve just sorted my thoughts on making fun of people who are different. It’s wrong to bully them and make their lives hard, but it’s okay to make fun of them behind their backs. And I say this as an asian man who has lots of non-asian friends who make fun of my asian-ness behind my back but I’m fine with it as long as I don’t hear it. And I know that these things go on behind my back because I actually have a recording of it. One of my friends stupidly thought it would be funny for me to hear it so he sent it to me. It wasn’t funny (for me…).  But we’re still great friends and the racist recording did not affect that at all.

My Dumbassery Part I

Let me start off with a bad joke. I’m a really cheap person so I try to get 50% off everything. If someone asks me to give them my 2 cents, I’ll bargain to give 1 cent. …I’m not proud of that joke at all. Those who might enjoy it, enjoy. Those who find it lame, I agree with you. I guess it befits the title that I’m presenting a joke I don’t even like.

Anyway, I went to a computer store yesterday to buy a new hard drive. I filled up my 2tb with porn already so I need a new one. Just kidding, only 120gb of it is porn. I picked out a 3tb hard drive for $140 and lined up to pay. I only had around $80 cash so I was going to use my credit card. But then the machine asked me for a pin and I didn’t know I had a fuckin’ pin. It never asked me for a pin before so I don’t know it and I couldn’t pay. The cashier had already printed out the receipt and bagged it and everything. There was nothing I could do, I simply didn’t have enough money. I wonder how often this happens. I wonder how many dumbasses tries to buy something without enough money. Here’s a Louis CK joke that’s very related to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9HmoVxU38gE

 

Fat People (Comment Topic)

This is an excellent topic with tons of material to draw from and it’s a bit of a shame that I can only cover so little of it in one blog entry. If I receive good feedback on this entry, there’s definitely lots of room to create a part 2 and part 3 and so on. In fact, this theme is probably big enough to merit its own blog. Anyway, I’ll stop getting ahead of myself lest I trip and fall over like a clumsy fat fuck.

Fat, as an adjective to describe people, has an extremely negative connotation (and rightfully so). That said, it is very easy for fat people to get offended by what I’m going to say. That’s fine. Sure, you have the right to be offended but please don’t bother me with your fat naggings, also (not actually) known as faggings. Okay, that was a little unnecessarily offensive, but if you got offended by that, let that be a warning for you to stop reading now because you will only get hurt from reading further.

Is it mean for me to pick on fat people? Sure, it’s always mean to pick on any group of people but fat people are very blessed so we shouldn’t feel that bad about creating comedy at their expense. Fat people really are lucky people. Why? Because everyday, they eat a ton of food and they love it. In our society where a lot of people are constantly depressed, if a person can enjoy something everyday, then he’s one lucky fat fuck. And yes, all fat people enjoy eating and all fat people eat everyday. It is realistically impossible to sustain an obese weight without eating several times more than an average person, everyday of your life. As a consistently depressed person, I’m so god damn jealous of fatasses.

I’ve heard all sorts of excuses for being fat but no excuse is going to make you less fat. Some people say that poor people are more susceptible to be fat because they end up buying lots of frozen and fast foods with high fat and sodium content. But that’s a shitty excuse because it doesn’t matter what foods a fatass eats, he’s still eating too much of it. Getting fat is about quantity, not quality. Also, if these fatasses can afford all that food, I suspect they’re not all that poor. They just ate away their savings. Sure, the kinds of food they can afford makes it easier for them to get fat, but they still have to eat a lot of it in order to get as fat as they are. If they just eat less, they won’t be as fuckin’ poor. Solve two problems by doing less of something you lazy fat fuck.

Some dumbass might suggest that there are diseases that make people fat. But the person who suggests that is a dumbass.

(Insert awkward pause here for the reader to laugh or get offended or be unamused.)
The only disease fat people have is enjoying food too much. No matter how different each person’s metabolism is, you cannot gain more weight than you eat so a fat person has undeniably eaten a shitload more than an average person. That is not a real disease. If some such disease does exist, the subject would be constantly gaining weight at an incredible rate and explode before his first birthday. That is not a fat person. That is an unlucky meat balloon. Let us take a moment to grieve all meat balloons. … … …  Let’s not forget why we’re here though. I’m not done with fat people yet.

Basically, all I’m saying is that it’s okay to make fun of fat people. I can say this because I’m a mini fat fuck and I’ve got a good idea of what it takes to become a total fat fuck (a non-mini fat fuck, a fat fat fuck). I don’t take care of my body at all and I eat shitloads of junk food. My history gives me great insight of my body fat. A few years ago, I was pretty fit while still carrying some belly fat and I had then weighed in at 150 lbs. I have not grown any taller; I’m significantly weaker, can’t run for shit, and now I weigh about 180 lbs. That’s at least 30 lbs of pure fat. I constantly notice myself eating bigger portions than I need and sometimes I only eat it so I have less to clean up. Of course I also eat a lot sometimes simply because I want to. Like all true fat fucks, I have a multitude of reasons to overeat. That said, it was actually pretty hard to gain this weight and I can’t imagine how much food a true fatass needs to eat to become that fat. In these past few years, I have been as lazy and as unemployed as a piece of shit can be. If I become a more functioning human being, even if I just walk to a car to drive to work, I would already be exercising enough for my weight to ease back down. I know what it takes to gain weight. It takes a lazy fucker with access to a ton of food. So maybe, just maybe, it’s okay to make fun of lazy food-hoarders because it would give them a reason to be less of what they are.

I did an open mic once for stand up comedy which had a portion of fat jokes/observations. Being the amateur that I am, it’s obviously not the best comedy in the world but it’s not too shabby either. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JF63JGkku-U

On the other hand, my absolute favorite comedian Louis CK has a hilarious bit about fat people: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fp-j72ALHHs Louis CK is the best so you should definitely check out as much of his stuff as you can. There are lots of videos of him on youtube so check those out, love him, and then visit his site https://buy.louisck.net/ where he offers excellent comedy for great prices.

Lastly, I will leave you with a mildly funny observation that takes a sharp sad turn (this will make more sense once you read it). I was just thinking to myself one day and I suddenly realized that I’ve never seen a really old person who also happens to be very fat. They don’t exist. Reason being: all super fat people die before they get old because they’re so fuckin’ fat and unhealthy.

…This is not a great last thought to leave you with but that’s pretty much my life and the way I write: sad funny truths. Bringing it back to the theme of this entry, I might go as far as to say that making fun of fat people is a good thing because it gives them motivation to lose weight, become healthier, and live longer.