My blog may not have a lot of views or followers or make any money for me, but it’s still a success. How? Because I met the love of my life on here as well as many other cool people. Is it too soon to call her the love of my life? Maybe. But at the very least, she’s definitely the love of my life thus far.
I want to be loved. I think that’s a normal emotion to have. I’m not a super needy person so I don’t bother anyone in my real life about this need for love. If anything, I would’ve given the impression that I don’t want their love and want to be left alone. I don’t expect people to love me for no reason. That’s why I present people with my offerings of creating content: games, blogs, podcasts. I provide you with some funny shit and you show me some love in return. Pretty fair trade I’d say.
Unfortunately, I’m not THAT brilliant. I can’t just magically create content in seconds. Heck, I often don’t create content for days and weeks and months and years. And sometimes I write shitty sentences like that last one. Of the three types of content I’ve listed, creating games is the hardest one. It’s the hardest, the most frustrating, the most time consuming, and most people don’t give a shit about it. It’s by far the least efficient content if I’m solely looking for love. But it’s the only one that makes money so I can’t just abandon it. It also gets the most views. There are way too many blogs and podcasts so it’s hard capture an audience but a great new game will still get a lot of attention, at least initially when it’s new. I seemed to have lost track of the point I was making and just started listing random facts about games.
Anyway, if I’m looking at a quick dose of love, making a game isn’t the way to go. So I’m left with blogging and podcasting. Blogging’s well and good, but I feel like I need to have more than two lines to say about something before I write about it. Writing also feels like more work because I feel obligated to refine it. I need to proofread and make sentences flow, otherwise, it would just be shit that hurts people to read and I wouldn’t get love from that anyway. That’s why podcasting seems like the best medium if I want to create content but don’t feel particularly motivated to do a lot of work. With podcasts, I don’t need to nor am I expected to edit it. I can talk about smaller topics that I only have two lines to say about, like nuclear pants. It sounds like nuclear plants but it’s not and it sounds silly. That’s all I have to say about it. I can’t write a whole blog entry on that. I snuck it in here but look at how much crap I wrote just to squeeze that in. Podcasting isn’t exactly easy either but I feel like once I get used to talking more, it CAN become easy.
…Everything you read just now is kind of bullshit. It’s not bullshit because they’re not true, but it was kind of an extended exercise of beating around the bushes. The real reason I want to do more podcasts is because a very special person tells me she loves my accent. Okay, that might’ve sounded a bit cliche and creepy and weird, given the context that I will not be providing. I think she gets it though. We kinda talked about this. You get it, right? As for trying to get love, can anything be easier than talking with my natural accent?
Okay, so I explained why I want to do more podcasts. Why don’t I do it then? Well, that’s because of my current living situation. I hate repetition so I hate that I’ve repeated this so many times in my blog already. I’m going to skip the detail and assume you’ve read my previous posts. Too bad for new readers. This is true wherever I’m living, but especially because I’m living at my aunt’s, I don’t want to cause unnecessary disturbance. I think sitting in the corner and seemingly talking to myself would be considered pretty disturbing. There’s one hour a week that no one else is home. It’s one of the days that my uncle has to do dialysis. If I could only do one hour of podcasting a week, that wouldn’t be so bad considering I naturally do much less than that anyway. However, I’m a nice guy and I’m supposed to be helping out and I can help out by driving them to the hospital. When I drive, I can drop them off at the door and pick them up at the door which is a lot more helpful than it sounds due to their current situation. So now, I basically have to choose between helping out my aunt who doesn’t NEED my help but could definitely benefit from it, or I can selfishly seek love from putting out podcasts. Despite how much of an asshole I may appear to be, I’m actually a nice guy. As a nice guy, I’ve gotta drive them to the hospital. That is why I can’t make any podcasts. I’ll try to find some other time to do it. For now, I’m stuck with blogging. Even though I idiotically laugh at my own sentences, I sit in the corner and silence my laughters so it doesn’t draw any attention. From behind, it’ll just look like I’m shivering which makes sense because I exclusively wear shorts and t-shirts despite how cold it gets. I feel like I can go on and expand on many tangents here but I won’t. I’ll just stop this here. This is starting to feel like my podcasts, the way I never know how to end it and just keep saying it over and over again in different ways. Okay… End.
It’s easy to resent people for not accepting you when you’re not at your best. But at the same time, I can’t really blame them. If/when I get successful and girls from my past start getting more interested in me, I would wonder where the fuck they were when I needed them the most, like right now. But then nobody would want to be with a shitty excuse of a person like me right now so it’s not really their fault either.
When you’re in a better place, you won’t resent the new people you meet because they did not reject you when you were at your low. But they didn’t have to because they never got to see it. If they saw you at your low, they would probably reject the shit out of you. Chances are, the old friends you resent are actually better friends to you but emotions trick you into hating the ones you should love and loving the ones you should hate.