My Riskiest Masturbation Yet

I’ve been writing a lot about masturbation lately. I tend to only write about things that interest me and apparently the only interesting thing I’ve been doing lately is masturbating. Before I get to the masturbating story, I guess there’s one other thing I could write about…

I’ve been living in my aunt’s house lately. I hate writing that sentence because I’ve written it many times already and I hate repetition. It’s a necessary preface though. Without it, things might be unnecessarily confusing. Anyway, last night, my aunt asked me if I wanted her to treat me like a son or treat me like a guest. She said that if I were treated like a son, she might yell at me more. I stared at her blankly for a few seconds. It seemed like such a no-brainer that it might be a trick question. Why would I want people to yell at me.

I actually just stare at my aunt until she said something to elaborate. I do that a lot. If people say something stupid to me, I just stare at them. I don’t want to tell them they’re stupid and I don’t want to join the stupidity, so I just literally do nothing. I’m not saying my aunt’s question was stupid, I get it. In her choices, if I chose to be treated like a son, then I get to treat the house like my own home and be more comfortable or some shit like that. The problem is, those don’t apply to me. I’m just a homeless person who happens to be living in a house at the moment. I’m very easy to get along with because I’m super nice and I don’t cause problems for people. But I don’t get comfortable around people who find discomfort in things. If you want me to enjoy your company, I have to be able to freely speak my mind about everything, like about masturbating. I wouldn’t talk to my aunt and (adult) girl cousins about masturbation. (I needed the adult parenthesis in case people think I’m a perverted pedophile.) These relatives have a normal distaste for topics like those. It’s fine, but I have no interest in normal people. Along these lines, anyone who enjoys my blog passes a litmus test to being potentially someone I could enjoy hanging out with.

Now, I didn’t just stare at my aunt like a brain-dead person. I eventually asked her what she might want to yell at me for. She ensured me that I’ve done nothing wrong thus far and tried to think of an example. The example she came up with was saying good morning and good night. She said that if she treated me more like a son, she would enforce things like that. I’ve covered my distaste in these pleasantries in another post with the whole “Hi uncle Philip” crap. … sigh… I’m tired of making statements like these because I have to explain so much just to clarify that I’m not a crazy person.

First off, if people say hi or good morning or good night, I will respond appropriately 100% of the time. The problem I have is with initiating them. I don’t do it because I don’t know if people want to hear it. Sometimes people are tired and moody and don’t want to talk so I’m not going to force them. I hate making an effort to do something that ends up creating negativity, even if the effort and negativity is miniscule. I pretty much no longer find any enjoyment in life so I don’t do anything for myself anymore. Whenever I do something, it’s for other people. I don’t even masturbate for myself anymore. I do it just to appease my dick and as maintenance so I don’t have more reason to be irritated by people. I’m like the most depressing altruist ever. Because creating positivity can be random at times, I’ll do anything that I know will have a positive effect and other than that, I just try to reduce negativity as much as possible.

Anyway… that felt like a pretty pointless rant. I guess I’ll wrap this up with the masturbation story I promised in the title. I randomly experience bouts of horniness and this morning was one of those bouts. I’m very discreet with my masturbating. I’ve masturbated a lot over the past decade and I’ve never been caught. I consider that an accomplishment. This morning didn’t have to be as risky as it was. I could’ve just done it in the washroom and locked the doors but I wanted to use my computer. My computer is visible from the top of the stairs so anyone getting up would be able to catch me. I did it anyway. I heard someone getting up and put my dick away for a moment. No one came downstairs so I resumed. Near the end, I heard washroom sounds. I always feared getting caught during ejaculation because there would be a lot of emotional and chemical confusion. I ended up staring at the top of the stairs for most of it so it was almost pointless to be sitting at the computer.

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Tale of Losing My Virginity; Got Paid to Get Laid

This is a detailed account of the night (tonight) I lost my virginity. I haven’t felt like doing anything lately and haven’t been blogging either but my friend paid me to write this. I’m getting paid to write about getting laid, not for getting laid, in case there’s still misunderstanding because I purposely misled you. I still had to pay for the hooker. I actually had to pay the hooker more than I’m getting paid so I just got a discount to lose my virginity. By now, you should be aware that this isn’t a sexy story. If you must, go somewhere else to masturbate because this story is kind of a boner killer.

At around 6 pm, my friend (the one who’s paying me to write this) told me that he and his hooker-savvy friend is going out for massage and sex and asked if I was interested in coming. Given my lack of will to pursue any work or entertainment, I figured I’ll go out to get laid if my friend is driving and paying for it. I’m a cheap guy and I like to make the most of my money. If possible, I want to make the most out of the transaction, finishing as many times as I can. Apparently, the pro-whore friend told me that 30 minutes means finishing once and doesn’t actually go by the time. It’s kind of tricky because prostitution is probably illegal so you kind of have to adapt their euphemisms and can’t get clearly defined rules. I still would’ve asked and see if I can get a full 30 minutes and I would just ask them explicitly when we start because I’d already be naked by that point so there’s no need to beat around bushes anymore. I know I can historically finish quickly so I would’ve wanted to at least ask for a 5 minute warranty. The other thing is that I still kind of want to go to prison so getting caught by cops would actually have been far from the worst case scenario.

The plan for the night is as follows: first, my 2 friends want to get a regular massage, hopefully with happy endings or more, and then we visit the straight up full service place. If the first place turns out to provide full service, then they’ll let me know and I can purchase my services there as well. The first place had two decent ladies but I would’ve hoped for even better ones. We didn’t know what we were in for so only one of my friends went in first. The other guy and I went to grab some food while we waited. I’m cheap so I actually didn’t purchase any food. The friend offered me some of his fries so I ate some. This guy was actually a friend of the other friend so we didn’t know each other too well and I just filled the time with my usual depressing talks. I pretty much covered anything you would read from the blog except I was more depressing and less funny. I can’t imagined my moping was good especially on a night he’s planning to get laid. He probably felt bad and offering fries was the least he could do.

After a while, the massaged friend called to pick him up and he informed us that they offered happy endings. This piqued the interest of the other friend and he decided to go in for the service too. I didn’t go because I wanted full service. If I’m losing my virginity, I’d like to do it right, as much as money can buy, at a reasonable price. At this point, they agreed that they were still taking me to the other place after both their happy endings so I didn’t mind waiting. I’ve already waited 23 years so a couple more hours wasn’t going to hurt me.

Now I went to get food with this friend. We went to KFC and again, I didn’t buy anything. He bought a little combo meal and gave me the chicken drumstick. We mostly joked about happy endings and condoms, you know, typical dinner talk for guys. Afterwards, we went to Baskin Robins to get some ice cream. I didn’t want to pay for anything but my friend insisted to buy me some. I’ve been spending a lot of time writing about food and given that I’m most notoriously known for my shit stories, I’m going to disappoint you right now and let you know that this doesn’t lead to a nasty diarrhea sex story.

After waiting around for a while, the other friend finally finished and now we head towards the real climax of the evening. It was a disappointing climax but I used that word just for the double entendre. This new location is an apartment complex and the lobby smelled bad. The odor was made nastier because we all had cum on our minds. At this point, I wasn’t nervous or anything. I hadn’t put much thought in this whole thing since I haven’t been thinking about anything at all for the past year or so. I’m not even sure if my brain is capable of thoughts anymore since I’ve been letting it rot for so long. My friends told me that I need to follow through with this and I just said sure. I didn’t really care. As long as the girls weren’t ugly, I didn’t plan to chicken out. If I’m going to pain my cheap mind to spend money, even if it’s my friend’s money, I expect a certain quality.

When we finally got in the room, I was immediately disappointed. They weren’t terrible looking, but they were definitely less than I expected. They were definitely worse than the ones in the first locations so there was an added sense of regret. When I was in the car, I was wondering whether I’d pick a prettier face with no boobs or a lesser face with better boobs. That didn’t matter anymore because I didn’t have any options and the only 2 I could choose from were both mediocre looking with decent boobs. When we arrived, I didn’t talk but I was slowly trying to back out of it because we all knew they weren’t lookers. But then my friends went right ahead of ordered one up for me despite my hesitation. I didn’t want to be a party pooper and since I wasn’t paying, I complied, but I wasn’t excited at all.

The place was pretty hush-hush and everybody spoke with indoor voice. I wasn’t crazy about the fact that they barely speak English but that’s not exactly a deal breaker for what I’m doing. I was led into a room and the woman asked if I speak Chinese. I told her that I speak Cantonese and it was as though she didn’t know what Cantonese was. She asked the same question a few more times, in English and in Mandarin, and I kept giving her the same answer and added that I was from Hong Kong. She didn’t get it but whatever, we just proceeded. She told me to start and I declared that I was putting on a condom and she shushed me. I said it slightly loud by accident but I wasn’t screaming it or anything and it felt weird to be shushed. The whore-philliac friend had advised me to try to hold out longer but when it was all about to start, I didn’t really have anything in mind. I didn’t try to finish quick or slow, I just went with it.

As a Chinese guy, my dick is pretty small already and because I wasn’t excited, I was completely flaccid and it was as tiny a knob as it’s ever been. I’ve never shaved that area so it was practically camouflaged in the bushes. Like most people, I try to make jokes to ease awkwardness so I outright joked and said “It’s small, isn’t it?” I have no idea if she heard or understood because of her poor English but it wasn’t important. When I took off my shirt, she “ooo”-ed and rubbed my chest. I don’t know if it was purely an act or if she was excited because I was actually kind of built or if she thought it was funny that I was hairless. Earlier, my friend told me about freely touching boobs because he knew my taste and knew that I would’ve wanted to know that. So I only hesitated a little as I reached for the boobs because that’s the only attraction at that point. In my years of virginity, I had already thought of the possibility that boob-touching is overhyped and that was definitely the case tonight. It just felt like oval flesh. It wasn’t particularly exciting. It was fine. It didn’t get me hard and I was planning to play with them a bit but she kind of brushed my arm off after a couple squeezes and told me to lie down. I guess she just wanted to get right to my dick so she can get rid of me sooner. I lied down and reached for a boob and she kinda pushed it away again and told me she was going to suck my dick. I guess she pushed my hand away to get into sucking position. She sucked for a bit and my dick rose steadily. Once it was up, I didn’t know how quickly I would finish so I stopped her and asked for pussy. It was pretty awkward asking for pussy and not knowing if she understood me or not. I didn’t know where to start so I just let her lead. We switched to her lying down and because I was awkwardly on top of her, I couldn’t really reach for boob anymore. If it isn’t clear already, I’m kinda obsessed with boobs.

I didn’t wait for my dick to get fully hard so it was pretty difficult to shove such a small object into its destination. I didn’t really care about my small dick but the most disappointing part was that I couldn’t feel anything because of the condom. I was very disappointed in sex. I give myself a way better handjob. I didn’t know how to get into fucking positions and ours parts didn’t seem to fit together. When I tried to get on the bed, she pointed at me feet and said “No toes.” I don’t know how I was supposed to fuck her without my feet on the bed. I’ve never fucked so my pelvic muscle wasn’t strong. Not only that, but I don’t have a big range of motion to work with because of my short dick. My dick is probably proportional to my height, average-ish, but it didn’t help that it wasn’t even at its full length. If that’s not bad enough already, I also had to take a break after my first thrust because I pulled my hamstring right away. This sex thing wasn’t working and we switched position several times. None of the positions seem to work. I forgot to mention that I kind of needed to pee before we started so when she was bouncing on top, my bladder felt a lot more than my dick did. Whenever I had a free hand, I tried to reach for a boob and she keeps brushing it off after a short while. I don’t know what the deal is. Much like a fly, she’d let me go at it shortly to see if I would move away myself I guess. She didn’t react greatly to it either. It was just weird. Finally, she offered to finish with her hands and I just said sure. She only went at it for a little while and she already seemed tired and disgruntled with her hands. Disappointing. I could’ve done a better job myself. The rest is history.

Prior to tonight, I actually feared that I might enjoy sex too much and be forced to get a job to finance this obsession. Instead, my depression and lack of motivation to live just got reaffirmed. Not a great night. The fast food I had with my friends was way better than the sex. It was un-noteworthy but it still wouldn’t have been a bad night if it wasn’t for the fact that I left something in my friend’s car. I had to drive 30 minutes to my friend’s house to pick it back up. Now it’s just a waste of time and money. I would’ve been better off spending that money on Tales of Xillia for the PS3 that came out last month. Yes, I think about video games more than sex. What a nerd I am.

Porns and Recreation

In short, this is a compilation of a bunch of observations I have about porn. I’ve made a lot of observations because I’m an avid porn collector. …I just stared at the screen for 20 minutes trying to think of the next line that would justify that remark but I can’t come up with anything. I guess that’s just honestly who I am now, plain and simple. I mean, I spent all of last night binge browsing for new videos to collect and I’m writing about it right now so porn is pretty much my whole life. This entry is a composition of my musings from one night of porn browsing.

 

Instead of a book, I had a computer. Instead of an opened shirt, I had opened pants. And I pretty much looked just as unamused.

Instead of a book, I had a computer. Instead of an opened shirt, I had opened pants. And I pretty much looked just as unamused.

It’s not uncommon for guys complain about fake tits. But it is uncommon to hear guys praising fake tits. I don’t get it. Why don’t I hear more people praising them? I’ll be the first to say I love fake tits as much as I love real ones. Maybe I only think that because anything is better than nothing and I’ve always had nothing. Or maybe I just have weird tastes because I also often prefer girls with glasses. There’s a porn video called Girls With Glasses but 1 minute into the video, one of the girls takes off her glasses, wtf?

That's like the equivalent of me saying I'm going to fuck all night long and then finishing after a minute.

That’s like the equivalent of me saying I’m going to fuck all night long and then finishing after a minute.

Speaking of porn titles, when guys see the name of their girlfriend or their ex, they simply have to check out the video. The chance of it being the same girl is nearly impossible but we just have to make sure. It’s a bit of a weird mentality. Kind of like how sometimes I’ll see a girl that looks decent but isn’t nearly as good as some of the girls in other videos that I have but I keep the video anyway because I’d feel sorry for her if I deleted it. That’s a really fucked up kind of sympathy.

"Eeeeee-okay I'll keep this video" - fucked up sympathy face.

“Eeeeee-okay I’ll keep this video” – fucked up sympathy face.

I’m a very hardcore fan. When I like something, I need to have EVERYTHING. This applies to games, movies, tv shows, comedians, actors, and porn actors. Some of the videos aren’t even good but I keep it anyway because I’m such a loyal fan. Evidently, I like porn a lot so I’m basically downloading all the porn which proves to be problematic in many ways. I’ve complained about my internet a few times on this blog already. I switched internet service providers a couple months ago and I’ve been having problems ever since. I have this problem where I can’t surf the web when I’m downloading stuff. So now I have to choose between downloading porn, or continue browsing for videos to add to my huge ass porn queue.

They look like they might be queuing and they have asses. ...Not every caption's gonna be comedy gold, okay?

They look like they might be queuing and they have asses. …Not every caption’s gonna be comedy gold, okay?

Now I’m not literally downloading all the porn because that would be insane. Like many other men, I don’t enjoy seeing penises when I engage in sexual activity and masturbation is my only sexual activity. So I basically just download all the lesbian porn. I’ve recently discovered that my porn preference is even more specific and it’s fairly odd. It turns out that I don’t like sexy girls. I actually don’t like watching sex, not even lesbian sex. I basically just enjoy watching pretty girls doing anything as long as they’re nude. On some rare occasions, I keep softcore porn that has guys in it. In those cases, I prefer the guy to be offscreen as much as possible and when he’s on screen, I prefer that he’s clothed. Again, sexiness isn’t part of the equation for me. It’s all about naked girls and boobies. I’m pretty sure this won’t bode well in my future sex life, if I ever get one.

Am I actually suggesting that this doesn't turn me on? Kinda. I actually have a whole rant about kissing but I won't get into here since this entry is super long already.

Am I actually suggesting that this doesn’t turn me on? Kinda. I actually have a whole rant about kissing but I won’t get into here since this entry is super long already.

I’m still fairly young and I’ve lived with my parents all my life. It just makes sense to watch porn with no sound, especially when I’m watching while other people are home. Every so often, I would be home alone and I decide to unmute the porn to enjoy it at its fullest. Maybe it’s because I’m used to getting sexually aroused with no sound, but the girls’ sexual cries actually make me uncomfortable and I end up re-muting the video most of the time. I feel sorry for the girl who takes my virginity because I’m such a sexual disaster.

That would probably be the look on the girl after I do whatever I do.

That would probably be the look on the girl after I do whatever I do.

But hey, there’s a good chance that no girls will ever have to go through that because I might never lose my virginity. I’ve previously written about my misadventures on craigslist and it seems I just never learn from my mistakes because I’m visiting craigslist again. The response rate is relatively low and I just get spam ads for sex sites most of the time. I sent off some emails a couple days ago and this time I haven’t gotten a single response, not even spam. I’m so lonely that I even miss the spam. That’s just sad and retarded.

I might as well join her and do whatever she's doing.

I might as well join her and do whatever she’s doing.

I may be young, but I’m getting older and I’m at the age now where most of my life, I’m used to seeing “working people” as people who are older than me. By working, I mean anything that pays pretty much: restaurant waiters, grocery store clerks, customer service representatives, actors, porn actors, and literally everything else. But now I’m at an age where I start to see “working people” who are younger than me. It makes me feel old, especially when I’m jerking off to a younger girl. I saw a video with a guy who looked much younger than me. I was pissed enough just from seeing a guy in my porn, but I actually found myself getting really mad that he’s so young and he’s getting laid while I’m still a virgin and he’s rubbing it in my face.

Just like how she's rubbing in everything I don't have. I have no holiday spirits, no gifts, and no girls.

Just like how she’s rubbing in everything I don’t have. I have no holiday spirits, no gifts, and no girls.

In the far foreseeable future, my only sex partner will be my hand. My intolerance for dicks in porn saddens me. Not because I want to be more gay-curious, but because I feel like I’m missing out on a lot of hot girls who appear exclusively in straight videos. Browsing through the titles, II recognized the name of a girl from lesbian videos. The girl was brunette and now she’s blonde and she looks great both ways. I want to add that to my rotation but there’s a damn dick in this new video.

They look good both ways, front and back. Now imagine a damn dick ruining this image.

They look good both ways, front and back. Now imagine a damn dick ruining this image.

Because I’m only looking for lesbian porn, when I see the word “gay” in the title, I actually click to check and see if they might be using the term broadly to include lesbianism. As much as I hate seeing dicks, I actually don’t mind checking out a gay video just to make sure I don’t want it. Speaking of dicks, I had a long discussion with a friend about whether dicks are more often circumcised or not and we used porn for reference.

I won't post dick pics but this picture looks like there's a huge black dick sneaking up on her.

I won’t post dick pics but this picture looks like there’s a huge black dick sneaking up on her.

Even though I never use videos with dicks, I have seen a lot of them when I scan through videos. I have seen hundreds of dicks. It makes me sad to know how true that statement is. I’m circumcised and my friend is not. I thought that the majority of men in North America are circumcised and my friend thinks they’re not. We actually looked it up in wikipedia. If you think I’m kind of disgusting, then you don’t have respect for knowledge. To truly respect knowledge means you can casually google dicks with your guy friends for research. The findings are inconclusive and that kind of makes sense since we’re not asked about our penises in the census. What’s surprising is that I use porn as source that most dicks are circumcised but my friend insists that most porn he has seen do not have circumcised dicks and he claims he’s more knowledgeable because he watches straight porn, unlike me. He may have watched dicks longer than I have, but I’m pretty sure I’ve seen more different dicks because I watch (a lot) more porn. I’m an intelligent person and I realized that I might actually be wrong about the circumcised porn dicks. It’s true that I have seen hundreds of dicks, but I rarely see dick heads. I usually just see the shaft and I move on to the next video.

I'm so phallic-phobic that I don't even like the metal shafts here.

I’m so phallic-phobic that I don’t even like the metal shafts here.

I’m going to end this entry here. I actually have a lot more notes taken down but this entry is getting long and I’m getting tired of writing. I’ve been writing less lately and just generally been doing nothing so this has been a lot of work for me. You should appreciate it.

I'm going to go pass out on a bed except I won't be able to fall asleep and no one will be checking out my ass.

I’m going to go pass out on a bed except I won’t be able to fall asleep and no one will be checking out my ass.

Ass Scab Scars

When you pull scabs off prematurely, it leaves a scar. I call those scab scars and I’ve got ass scab scars.

Huh? Ass cab what?

Huh? Ass cab what?

A few months back, I remember lying in bed and feeling a little bump on my ass. I scratched it to see what it was. I think it maybe have started off as a pimple or something but I kept scratching it off and eventually I was scratching off scabs. I had thought that I was scratching the same spot but a few days ago, when I accidentally saw my naked ass in the mirror, I saw those ass scab scars, and there were 3 of them.

There are three of us and you have three of what?

There are three of us and you have three of what?

How does one accidentally see one’s own naked ass you ask? Prepared to be enlightened. I recently tried masturbating with moisturizer for the first time. Because this is new to me, I haven’t found a way to streamline the procedure yet. With plain old masturbation, I know my exact specifications but I still need more practice with moisturizer to perfect it.

I'm not accidentally seeing no ass in the mirror right now. ...I don't need to make sense, I'm hot.

I’m not accidentally seeing no ass in the mirror right now. …I don’t need to make sense, I’m hot.

In the first draft of this entry, this is where I started describing my experience losing my moisturizer virginity. I felt that it went too far off track so suffice to say my dick is moister than it’s ever been. Bringing this back on track, I didn’t know what to expect and wanted to keep my clothes clean so I ended up wandering nude around the house more than usual. It was then that I passed a mirror and saw my ass scab scars.

I looked kinda like this except I was more nude, had 3 ass scab scars, and a dick dangling out the front.

I looked kinda like this except I was more nude, had 3 ass scab scars, and a dick dangling out the front.

What was the point of this entry again? I don’t think I ever had one. I just wanted to say ass scab scars because it sounds funny.

Is that all you've got to say for yourself Ted? I'm going back to playing with my pussy. Too bad you can't see it with the cat blocking the view.

Is that all you’ve got to say for yourself Ted? I’m going back to playing with my pussy. Too bad you can’t see it with the cat blocking the view.

Shit Stories Part XII

There are some words that just sound funny together, like anal leakage. Unfortunately, I don’t actually have a story about that. The closest thing I can think of is still just hypothetical. In Shit Stories Part V, I mentioned that I had wiped some blood from my asshole. I haven’t wiped any more blood since, but if I did, then I would’ve needed to consider using tampons.

I'm high as a kite and have no idea wtf I just read.

I’m high as a kite and have no idea wtf I just read.

The only productive thing I’ve been doing all week is writing these shit stories and this isn’t even productive at all. It’s sad that I actually fantasized about getting laid from these shit stories. There’s 0% chance of that happening and it’s still the closest I’ve ever been to getting laid.

Ted knows as little about sex as we do about basketball.

Ted knows as little about sex as we do about basketball.

There wasn’t really much of a shit story this time. I just wanted to use some more of these pictures since I spent so much time downloading them. Anyway, it’s past midnight and my whole family’s asleep so I shall proceed to use this freedom to entertain myself, feel shitty for several minutes, then entertain myself again.

That's how Ted's going to look when he's waiting his several minutes.

That’s how Ted’s going to look when he’s waiting his several minutes.

Depression Returns

Not that it ever really left, but it took a bit of a back seat for a little while there. At its worst, the depression debilitates me to the point where I can’t be bothered to do anything, not even turn on the ps3. At least for the past couple weeks I’ve been playing games. Even though I didn’t enjoy them much, I was doing something. Once again, games (and life) has disappointed me to the point where I can’t bother with it anymore. It’s not just games, it’s everything. I feel less and less inclined to be friendly to people or talk to them. I don’t bother trying to eat what I want and just stuff anything in my mouth to fill my stomach (foods only, no cocks, no homo). I don’t feel like I’ll be blogging much longer either. Even now, I turned the computer on to masturbate but I couldn’t get enough motivation to do that and I’m writing this shit instead.

Life just sucks when there’s nothing enjoyable to look forward to so there’s no point in doing anything. Forget about finding a girlfriend, I can’t even muster enough effort to find porn. I believe I’m a very tough person, physically and mentally. I can endure all kinds of shit that life throws at me and I still am enduring just fine, but at some point I’ve got to decide whether I should bother enduring shit for no reason.