My Favorite Tweets Part 1

Being the narcissist that I am, these are all my own tweets. I’m reposting my tweets because I have a negligible amount of twitter followers and I want more people to read my shit, even if it’s mediocre shit.



I wiki’d – “..the condition of having at least three loose or liquid bowel movements each day..” I thought I only need 1

When my is about to get interrupted, it’s hard to decide whether I should stop or finish.

It’s okay for to describe themselves as “good at playing with kids.” It’s less okay for to say it.

The most I got this month was walking to the store to buy chips. The more I bought, the more of a workout I would get carrying it.

I hate using the word “whom”. It always sound so : “Look at me, I know how to use it properly.”

I’m either a high functioning or a low functioning non autistic.

When drops in the , for a moment, I freeze and wonder if I should reach in for it. Then I realize, , of course I should!

aside, I have so much in common with

Don’t be a about pussies.

When I’m , I get a big on my face and that makes me .




Sad. Funny. Truthful. Podcast Episode 48 – 911 And Fleshlight

I talked with Jason in this episode about a bunch of stuff from 911 to fleshlights. Check it out.



If the above link doesn’t work, you should always check here ( for the updated links to download the podcast. I will also provide the link to download all the episodes there and it might even have newer and better links.


Web hosting starting at $5 a month. You might get more discount if you mention this podcast. I don’t know. I don’t really care anymore lol.

Sad. Funny. Truthful. Podcast Episode 46 – As Usual I Talk About Masturbation With Justin

I don’t know why but I seem to talk about masturbation a lot when I talk to Justin. (Everytime I write that sentence, I have to because not to accidentally write “masturbating with Justin”.) We also talked about a bunch of other things like parents and aliens (separate topics, not alien parents though that might be interesting).



If the above link doesn’t work, you should always check here ( for the updated links to download the podcast. I will also provide the link to download all the episodes there and it might even have newer and better links.


Web hosting starting at $5 a month. You might get more discount if you mention this podcast. I don’t know. I don’t really care anymore lol.

SFT Podcast Episode 43 – First Time Excretions With Justin

We spent a lot of time talking about first times with pissing, shitting, masturbating, you name it.



If the above link doesn’t work, you should always check here ( for the updated links to download the podcast. I will also provide the link to download all the episodes there and it might even have newer and better links.


Web hosting starting at $5 a month. You might get more discount if you mention this podcast. I don’t know. I don’t really care anymore lol.

My Riskiest Masturbation Yet

I’ve been writing a lot about masturbation lately. I tend to only write about things that interest me and apparently the only interesting thing I’ve been doing lately is masturbating. Before I get to the masturbating story, I guess there’s one other thing I could write about…

I’ve been living in my aunt’s house lately. I hate writing that sentence because I’ve written it many times already and I hate repetition. It’s a necessary preface though. Without it, things might be unnecessarily confusing. Anyway, last night, my aunt asked me if I wanted her to treat me like a son or treat me like a guest. She said that if I were treated like a son, she might yell at me more. I stared at her blankly for a few seconds. It seemed like such a no-brainer that it might be a trick question. Why would I want people to yell at me.

I actually just stare at my aunt until she said something to elaborate. I do that a lot. If people say something stupid to me, I just stare at them. I don’t want to tell them they’re stupid and I don’t want to join the stupidity, so I just literally do nothing. I’m not saying my aunt’s question was stupid, I get it. In her choices, if I chose to be treated like a son, then I get to treat the house like my own home and be more comfortable or some shit like that. The problem is, those don’t apply to me. I’m just a homeless person who happens to be living in a house at the moment. I’m very easy to get along with because I’m super nice and I don’t cause problems for people. But I don’t get comfortable around people who find discomfort in things. If you want me to enjoy your company, I have to be able to freely speak my mind about everything, like about masturbating. I wouldn’t talk to my aunt and (adult) girl cousins about masturbation. (I needed the adult parenthesis in case people think I’m a perverted pedophile.) These relatives have a normal distaste for topics like those. It’s fine, but I have no interest in normal people. Along these lines, anyone who enjoys my blog passes a litmus test to being potentially someone I could enjoy hanging out with.

Now, I didn’t just stare at my aunt like a brain-dead person. I eventually asked her what she might want to yell at me for. She ensured me that I’ve done nothing wrong thus far and tried to think of an example. The example she came up with was saying good morning and good night. She said that if she treated me more like a son, she would enforce things like that. I’ve covered my distaste in these pleasantries in another post with the whole “Hi uncle Philip” crap. … sigh… I’m tired of making statements like these because I have to explain so much just to clarify that I’m not a crazy person.

First off, if people say hi or good morning or good night, I will respond appropriately 100% of the time. The problem I have is with initiating them. I don’t do it because I don’t know if people want to hear it. Sometimes people are tired and moody and don’t want to talk so I’m not going to force them. I hate making an effort to do something that ends up creating negativity, even if the effort and negativity is miniscule. I pretty much no longer find any enjoyment in life so I don’t do anything for myself anymore. Whenever I do something, it’s for other people. I don’t even masturbate for myself anymore. I do it just to appease my dick and as maintenance so I don’t have more reason to be irritated by people. I’m like the most depressing altruist ever. Because creating positivity can be random at times, I’ll do anything that I know will have a positive effect and other than that, I just try to reduce negativity as much as possible.

Anyway… that felt like a pretty pointless rant. I guess I’ll wrap this up with the masturbation story I promised in the title. I randomly experience bouts of horniness and this morning was one of those bouts. I’m very discreet with my masturbating. I’ve masturbated a lot over the past decade and I’ve never been caught. I consider that an accomplishment. This morning didn’t have to be as risky as it was. I could’ve just done it in the washroom and locked the doors but I wanted to use my computer. My computer is visible from the top of the stairs so anyone getting up would be able to catch me. I did it anyway. I heard someone getting up and put my dick away for a moment. No one came downstairs so I resumed. Near the end, I heard washroom sounds. I always feared getting caught during ejaculation because there would be a lot of emotional and chemical confusion. I ended up staring at the top of the stairs for most of it so it was almost pointless to be sitting at the computer.

Saddest Masturbation Ever…

I’m about to perform the saddest masturbation ever. I feel like total shit right now. I don’t want to hate my parents, but every word that comes out of their mouths annoys the shit out of me, to the point that it manifests as physical pain. I haven’t seen my parents for a month and I don’t miss them one bit. However, I had to spend most of today with them as part of Chinese New Years to have dinner with some relatives. It was horrible. Today is the worst day I’ve had as far as I can remember – worse than yesterday when my uncle died; worse than dealing with retarded haters on the internet; worse than the day my mom nagged me at 2am until I walked out of the house in freezing weather in shorts and t-shirt because I needed to get out of the house and I stayed outside for hours.

Describing why my parents annoy me does not even begin to explain the fucked up situation. They bicker nonstop about the super retarded shit. Try to imagine the most retarded shit someone can bicker about, and they’re bickering about something much more retarded than that. You know the kind of bickering you see on TV that’s exaggerated for humor? They bicker much more than that. What is the most annoying sound you can imagine? If that sound was being played right in your face for hours on end and you have no way of turning it off, then you’ll get a fraction of the annoying experience I get with my parents.

I’m not even going to describe what happened when I yelled at my mom in the middle of the store when we were buying a suit for me to wear to the funeral. I hate having to get angry. I never get angry at anyone and never yell at anyone. If I don’t like someone, I stay away from them. I am a very peaceful person. My parents literally drive me crazy. I sound like a fucking teenage girl when I say that, but it’s true. I actually do retarded shit after being stuck with my parents. Prior to writing this blog, I’ve been hammering my head with my hands as hard as I could. Physical pain doesn’t “hurt” me, but I’m emotionally fucked up to the core. I’ve also been crying like a pussy for an hour now. Only one tear came out but my face is stuck in stupid crying positions. Being alive just feels so uncomfortable right now.

I know this whole thing sounds really stupid. I hate it all. I hate that I’m affected by such stupid shit. I don’t even know why the fuck I’m making these stupid crying faces. If somebody walks into the room right now, I know I can suppress all this shit. But with no one around, there’s no reason to hold it back. Because this is what happens when I don’t hold back, this must be what I’m truly feeling. What the fuck is it though? All I know is that it’s a clusterfuck of sadness.

During dinner, I was talking with my cousin’s husband about politics and cannabis and shit. Then he asked for my professional advice about building websites for a business he’s about to start. This isn’t some dumb college kid business idea where they just talk a bunch of shit. Dumb college kids either don’t follow through or their idea is shit. This guy is already involved in 2 profitable businesses and he wants me to help him out with this new one. I told him a bunch of website stuff and marketing strategies he could consider. Then my mom butts in and tells him we should eat more instead of talking so much. The guy tells her that I’m teaching him stuff and my mom calls bullshit on that and says if he wants to talk about video games, Ted will talk your ears off. What the fuck is that? It’s retarded and it’s not true. I’ve never talked to anyone about video games for more than a minute. There’s nothing to talk about. Isolated examples like these sound like I’m overreacting but you can’t judge until you have someone who never says anything good to you and every word they utter is annoying. And then there’s my dad. He’s the angriest asshole in the world and he tells me to curb my anger. He taunts me about it and laughs at me. I never respond to that because it’s pointless.

So here I am, feeling like shit and still making retarded crying faces. I feel so miserable right now. I’ve decided that I need to masturbate to feel a semblance of something good. I’m not in the mood at all but I need to do something about this sadness. This is going to be the saddest masturbation ever…

Sexual Desire to Live

I don’t know why I make these weird titles because I don’t even like them. They’re like 1% clever but that’s exactly what it is. 1% is a horrible fail. It’s retard level…

Anyway, this one’s about sexual desire and the desire to live. Most guys I know go crazy for girls and it looks kinda pathetic to me, to the point that it pisses me off. It’s not that I don’t understand horniness because believe me, I do. It’s people’s inability to control it that bothers me. Why do most people have so little control of it? When I go to the bank and see people handling a wad of money, of course I’d like to have that in my hands but that doesn’t mean I’m going to steal it. Most men can resist the money and yet they can’t resist the pussy.


If I didn’t perform …physical maintenance on my body as often as I do, I’m sure I’d be crazy for pussy too. But because I can achieve self satisfaction, I don’t see what all the fuss over puss is all about. I just woke up from a weird dream and it’s interesting to see myself do what I preach… or I guess I’m just imagining what I preach since it’s just a dream. The dream starts off with me hiding out in a building, not being able to sleep because a war is starting the next day. It felt like a zombie-esque environment, where people band together and barricade in buildings except we were fighting off soldiers instead of zombies. Eventually, I’m in a group with a number of girls. I was sitting in a swivelling computer chair and the girls walk past me in the nude, about to take a shower. For some reason, them walking past me in the nude was socially natural (in the dream) but I reached out to squeeze a boob as they pass me and I immediately apologized for being inappropriate. The girl told me I didn’t need to be sorry and that it was reassuring to her that she was still desirable. So I continued to squeeze their boobs as they walked past me, all 3 of the girls. After they’ve passed, I jerked off with that hand and resumed defending my position.


“What the fuck did I just read?” is probably what most of you are thinking. Look, it was a dream and certain things don’t always make sense. What was the point of this? Just the fact that even in my dreams, I was happy enough with masturbation that sex wasn’t necessary. I’m not saying sex is bad. If you have a stable partner to do it with, go and have all the fun you want; why the heck are you even reading this crap? I’m just annoyed at people who make it their life’s work to chase pussy down. In the dream, I even made a speech that the girls should make it their top priority not to have vaginal intercourse with the guys. They can fool around all they want, but getting pregnant would be a major inconvenience when we’re under attack and need to escape. If they don’t mind getting left behind, then go and have sex. As a person lacking a desire to live, I can understand the notion of not minding getting left behind, but I just felt like I needed to warn them about what they would be getting themselves into.


Okay, I should stop talking about this stupid dream now. Ultimately, I find that I have a less vaginal-sexual desire than most men. Sure I’ve got hormones but there are much more efficient ways to deal with them. As a person with more control of himself, it’s sad to see other people run around on their chases. But am I any better? Probably not. I’m probably far worse off. I am controlling my sexual desires as much as I control my desire to live comfortably and my desire to live altogether. Most people would look at my apathetic ways and I’d be the pathetic looking one. I’m just going in circles now… The only conclusion out of all this is that I don’t like people and I have weird-ass dreams.