Saddest Masturbation Ever…

I’m about to perform the saddest masturbation ever. I feel like total shit right now. I don’t want to hate my parents, but every word that comes out of their mouths annoys the shit out of me, to the point that it manifests as physical pain. I haven’t seen my parents for a month and I don’t miss them one bit. However, I had to spend most of today with them as part of Chinese New Years to have dinner with some relatives. It was horrible. Today is the worst day I’ve had as far as I can remember – worse than yesterday when my uncle died; worse than dealing with retarded haters on the internet; worse than the day my mom nagged me at 2am until I walked out of the house in freezing weather in shorts and t-shirt because I needed to get out of the house and I stayed outside for hours.

Describing why my parents annoy me does not even begin to explain the fucked up situation. They bicker nonstop about the super retarded shit. Try to imagine the most retarded shit someone can bicker about, and they’re bickering about something much more retarded than that. You know the kind of bickering you see on TV that’s exaggerated for humor? They bicker much more than that. What is the most annoying sound you can imagine? If that sound was being played right in your face for hours on end and you have no way of turning it off, then you’ll get a fraction of the annoying experience I get with my parents.

I’m not even going to describe what happened when I yelled at my mom in the middle of the store when we were buying a suit for me to wear to the funeral. I hate having to get angry. I never get angry at anyone and never yell at anyone. If I don’t like someone, I stay away from them. I am a very peaceful person. My parents literally drive me crazy. I sound like a fucking teenage girl when I say that, but it’s true. I actually do retarded shit after being stuck with my parents. Prior to writing this blog, I’ve been hammering my head with my hands as hard as I could. Physical pain doesn’t “hurt” me, but I’m emotionally fucked up to the core. I’ve also been crying like a pussy for an hour now. Only one tear came out but my face is stuck in stupid crying positions. Being alive just feels so uncomfortable right now.

I know this whole thing sounds really stupid. I hate it all. I hate that I’m affected by such stupid shit. I don’t even know why the fuck I’m making these stupid crying faces. If somebody walks into the room right now, I know I can suppress all this shit. But with no one around, there’s no reason to hold it back. Because this is what happens when I don’t hold back, this must be what I’m truly feeling. What the fuck is it though? All I know is that it’s a clusterfuck of sadness.

During dinner, I was talking with my cousin’s husband about politics and cannabis and shit. Then he asked for my professional advice about building websites for a business he’s about to start. This isn’t some dumb college kid business idea where they just talk a bunch of shit. Dumb college kids either don’t follow through or their idea is shit. This guy is already involved in 2 profitable businesses and he wants me to help him out with this new one. I told him a bunch of website stuff and marketing strategies he could consider. Then my mom butts in and tells him we should eat more instead of talking so much. The guy tells her that I’m teaching him stuff and my mom calls bullshit on that and says if he wants to talk about video games, Ted will talk your ears off. What the fuck is that? It’s retarded and it’s not true. I’ve never talked to anyone about video games for more than a minute. There’s nothing to talk about. Isolated examples like these sound like I’m overreacting but you can’t judge until you have someone who never says anything good to you and every word they utter is annoying. And then there’s my dad. He’s the angriest asshole in the world and he tells me to curb my anger. He taunts me about it and laughs at me. I never respond to that because it’s pointless.

So here I am, feeling like shit and still making retarded crying faces. I feel so miserable right now. I’ve decided that I need to masturbate to feel a semblance of something good. I’m not in the mood at all but I need to do something about this sadness. This is going to be the saddest masturbation ever…

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It’s Wrong To Find Humor In Misery… Or Is It?

I will start this off with a real life example. My uncle’s pretty much retarded now from being too drugged up and lacking physical and mental exercise for several months. He can’t walk on his own anymore and for the past 3 nights, he’s been getting up on his own and falling down. A couple hours ago, he had a particularly big fall. I rushed downstairs to help bring him back to bed. When I came downstairs, what I saw was an old man fell over with his pants fallen down to his knees, just enough to show his full ass. After I made sure he wasn’t seriously hurt, I started laughing in my head at the absurdity of someone’s pants falling down as they trip.

Is it okay to find that funny? Yes it is. I think most people would agree too. I wouldn’t laugh at my uncle in front of his face because he doesn’t need to feel any more embarrassed on top of turning retarded. Laughing at in the moment would be inappropriate, but after the fact, it’s pretty funny. The problem I have with this situation is that anyone can easily tell me it’s wrong to find it funny and they would feel so god damn smug about it.

People who would disapprove of me finding humor in these things are assholes. The only reason they can be so judgemental about it is because they live in a fairy land where good things always happen and all bad things should be frowned upon. They live a censored life where they don’t see any deaths even though there are people dying every minute from crime, disease, war, and famine. They don’t have any retards in their lives to ruin their day. If they do, they have the well-behaved retards, not the violent ones with crazy retard strength. It’s easy to patronize me for finding humor at the expense of others getting hurt but that’s not what’s happening. I’m not creating humor at anyone’s expense. The situation is undeniably sad but it happened and feeling sad about it isn’t going to make it not happen. Sad shit is constantly happening around me. Would it make some people happier if I just reacted appropriately sad all day? Well fuck them and their happiness in the ass. If I have to live through such a disproportionately unhappy life, they don’t have the right to take away any tiny moment of joy I can find.

Going Full Retard…

I’m not sure where to start… I guess first off, if you’re going to get offended at my liberal use of the word retard, you should stop reading now. This post is not about me going full retard, but I’ve wondered about that before. During one the earlier days of depression, when I was still exploring the extent it can affect me, I had spent some time making retard noises. It all started when I was taking a shit. (A lot of my stories seem to start off with me taking a shit.) I try to make as little noise as possible in all aspects of life so it goes without saying that I don’t make constipated noises either. However, I was home alone and didn’t give a shit and wanted to make some constipated noises for “fun”. From there, I noticed that it sounded similar to retard noises so I started making retard noises instead. There are things you can do in life that marks a new high or low point. Taking a shit while making retard noises definitely marked a new low point.

After I finished taking that shit, I went to lie in bed. It wasn’t because I was exhausted from taking a shit; going to bed is just the default thing to do when a person’s depressed and doesn’t want to do anything. In bed, I made some more retard noises. I noticed that it was kind of similar to bawling noises. Now, I only made these retard noises because I knew there was no one around to hear them so it wouldn’t negatively affect anyone. Even still, why the fuck am I making those noises? Am I becoming a retard? Prior to this incident, I wouldn’t make retard noises even if no one was around, because I’m not a retard. What if I started making retard noises when people are around. Would I be a retard then?

I said this post wasn’t about me turning retarded. It isn’t. That’s as far as I’ve explored in my retard transformation. This story will get really depressing from here on out. My uncle’s been dying from cancer and my aunt has been taking care of him. I’ve been living with them for a couple weeks now to help out. Today, my uncle seems to have gone full retard. It wasn’t an instant change. It was fairly gradual. For a long time now, he’s hasn’t had much energy. He seems to lose more energy with each passing day. Walking had be difficult for him for a while now, but he was still able to walk. He lost his ability to walk yesterday. It’s not completely gone, but he needs a lot of support to barely walk now. Last week, he was pretty much able to walk on his own and it was just safer to have supervision.

Let me backtrack a little more. My uncle’s currently living with his wife who’s taking care of him full time and his 30 year old daughter who’s a teacher during a day, and loving daughter by night. I wrote an entry about that “love” here so I won’t repeat that again. For the past 2 weeks, my uncle has pretty much been completely ignoring his wife and daughter, chalking it up to lack of energy. I get it though. They constantly ask him if he wants anything, if he wants more water, more food, more whatever. Everything except actual love… He obviously has no appetite and no motivation to do anything, so all those questions are just annoying. His wife actually gets pretty pissed that he doesn’t respond to her to his own detriment which causes her more trouble because she has to take care of him. The part she’s really pissed about is that he actually responds to his brothers when they visit. This makes my uncle out to be not in as bad a shape as he is actually in and it makes my aunt look like a bitch for not being able to handle it. Again, I kind of get it. The constant nagging of the same questions can get very annoying, especially for someone who’s depressed and going through a lot of physical pain from the cancer too.

The combination of his increasing difficulty to move and his lack of response has turned my uncle into a full retard in all practical sense. His daughter tries to tell him funny stories from work but he doesn’t laugh, doesn’t even react. I kind of get it. I’m depressed as well, probably not as much as him, and I don’t react to the stories either. I would politely laugh if she were telling me that story in a one-on-one conversation, but in a group setting, I don’t bother laughing. He’s unamused. He tried talking to the personal support worker but she was a dumb bitch who could barely speak English so that didn’t go well either. With no stimulation for so many days, it’s not surprising at all that it’s taking a toll on his mental health. Now I’m not taking sides here. I’m not saying my uncle is justified or not justified to behave the way he’s behaving. I’m just saying that I can kind of see how it got to be this way. I’m not saying my aunt is doing a good or bad job either. I don’t know what things were like a month ago, 6 months ago, a year ago. I can say that my aunt’s trying her best and doing a LOT for him. Maybe her best just isn’t enough. Maybe she’s not giving him what he wants. As far as I can tell, she hasn’t been giving him any stimulating conversation and hasn’t given him any sex. I’m not even sure if he’s even capable of having sex at this point or if he wants it. I don’t know if he wants stimulating conversations either. I’m just listing things that he’s not getting.

The problem I have with this whole situation is that I could’ve made a difference- I could’ve made things better. I also wrote about this before, but about 10 days ago, my uncle tried to talk to me. He asked if I wanted to hear what he has to say about my life and I said “Sure, if you want”. He was a bit unhappy with my response because he was trying to talk to me for my sake, not his. At least back then, he had the energy to respond that way. He went on and said generic crap about how life isn’t fair and I should get a diploma, blah blah blah, typical mainstream advice. Nothing profound about it at all. I just nodded along and said “uh huh” until finally he said he’d leave me to my work. He also advised me to wear more clothes because it’s cold and the flu is going around. I responded but did not wear more clothes because I knew I didn’t need it. One by one, everyone got sick, including my uncle, but I’m still fine. I don’t get sick. Even if I catch a bug and I get a fever, I am not sickly. I can still function at over 90% which is far more than most people’s 100%. The part I feel a little guilty about is that unlike the women in his family, he seems to respond to me the few times I’ve spoken to him over the past couple weeks. I’m not annoying (yet). If I were a better conversationalist, I could’ve helped make his last days a lot less miserable. But unfortunately, I didn’t do shit about it. I feel bad, but not THAT bad because it’s not my responsibility. For instance, he would probably feel better if I listened to his “wise words”. Then what? You want me to go to school and not be able to drive him to the hospital? That doesn’t exactly help him. Plus, my life is not for him to guide. Am I supposed to go to school and get a “good” job just so other people are happy? If I’m supposed to just do everything to make others happy, why don’t I blow him too. I’m sure life would be awesome if everyone tells you that your dick is delicious and they can’t get enough of it. But it’s not my job to do that. Neither is it my job to live my life to their old fashioned standards. If they would stop demoralizing me, maybe it wouldn’t take me so long to make games and be depressed as fuck while I do it. I’m choosing to do what I do regardless of what they say. They can either support me or get in my way. And everyone in my life just wants to fucking get in my way. They just want to relieve themselves of blame. Because of the generic advice they’re giving me, when I fail at life, I can’t justly blame them. Yet they don’t care that I’m presently blaming them for my misery. People are stupid.

SFT Podcast Episode 28 – Misery, Comedies, Sex Clarification, Etc

In the last episode, I related all physical contact to sex and I know that sounds ridiculous so I clarified that a bit in this episode… to show that I’m not absolutely crazy. I also talked about comedies and being miserable so you get a bit of everything in this episode.

Dropbox: https://www.dropbox.com/s/n1nj6ez6tv0cprb/SFT-0028-Misery%2CComedies%2CSex-Clarification%2CEtc.mp3

Youtube: http://youtu.be/sDgeb1k-jZM

If the above link doesn’t work, you should always check here (https://tedgaming.wordpress.com/2013/10/15/where-to-download-sad-funny-truthful-podcast/) for the updated links to download the podcast. I will also provide the link to download all the episodes there and it might even have newer and better links.

Sponsor:

koncepp.com

If you mention Ted (my name) and this podcast, you’ll get 10% off any service they provide from branding to logo design to website design to social media to mobile apps. Basically anything that’s online (which is everything), they can help you with it. The special deal right now is that they can host your personal website for $80 a year!

Please Don’t Raise Cheap Children

I was raised to be cheap and that has officially fucked with my entire life. Growing up, my parents always complained about the price of everything and I was taught to value cheap things because I don’t need expensive things. Because of the way that I was raised, my life is now completely fucked. I can’t hold jobs for more than a few months because I don’t need the jobs because I don’t need the money because I practically don’t use any money. The very fact that I’m alive is proof that I don’t need those jobs because I’ve quit them all and I’m still alive.

Now, I’m still living with my parents so that’s why I don’t need to pay bills and shit. Sooner or later, I’m going to need money, right? I think not. Partially because it pains me to spend money, there’s literally nothing I look forward to in life anymore. With nothing to look forward to, I don’t really need to extend this life. I’ve adapted to not needing to spend money to survive which led to not having any fun and now I’ve adapted to accept death. If you don’t want to raise a fuckin’ mess of a child like me, don’t raise your children to be cheap. Get them hooked on drugs so they feel the need to earn money to buy more drugs. At least they have a will to live.

I went to another branch of the library today to pick up a few dvds and met an ex co-worker. There was bullshit small talk and I jokingly asked if there were any rumors about me ever when I suddenly quit. She told me that some people thought I might have committed suicide. That actually made me happy. As social beings, humans like to share things. Since my life is pure misery, that just happens to be the only thing I can share.