Quick Burst of Thoughts

I just realized that when I talk to adults, I refer to my mom as “mommy” which sounds pansy but it’s better than the alternative of calling her a cunt.

 

I hate clubbing but the one part I do enjoy about it is that I can fart freely on the dance floor and no one will know.

 

When adults talk to me, it’s annoying when they say something to me with the presumption that I enjoy playing video games. I don’t. I don’t enjoy anything in life anymore. The only reason I still play games is to numb my mind. Even then, I can barely keep it up. So when they start a conversation saying that I like to play games, I know that I can stop listening right there and start spacing out.

 

Lately, I feel like my weird body hairs are getting longer: armpit hair, nose hair, ear hair, asshole hair, nipple hair, etc…

 

I asked a dude if he would fuck a female bum and was surprised that there was a misunderstanding. That’s when I know I’ve been using the word “bum” for “homeless” too much.

 

I know I’m not gay, but I think I would be willing to give a guy a hand job for as little as $5. There will need to be a couple realistic conditions for me to offer this amazing deal. I wouldn’t have to pretend to enjoy it and I would need to have access to soap and water immediately afterwards. Honestly, I don’t see what the big deal is. I don’t enjoy touching a dick by any means but c’mon guys, it’s just a dick. That’s much better than touching a shitty asshole. Wait a minute… Does this mean I would rather touch a guy’s dick than a girl’s asshole? Umm… I don’t think I want to think about this anymore…

 

Next topic.

 

It is said that the average man uses 7,000 words a day and the average woman uses 20,000 words a day. Who says that? I just quoted the first site that came up on google. Whatever the amount is, I literally use 0 words on an average day. People should be surprised I’m even capable of speaking.

These are the kinds of random little things I plan to talk about in my podcast that I’m still planning to do. Hopefully this little tease will help get me a couple listeners when I finally make it.

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Nothing Learned

Fuck… I just woke up at 4am from a weird dream. Last night, in real life, my mom was being her usual kind-of-bitchy self and then in my dream, she hit her head and became dumber and slower. You can actually see her take a couple seconds to think and process every time she enters a room. In real life, she’s loud and dumb but in the dream, she became quiet after she hit her head and I actually felt really bad for her and gave her a hug. Then I woke up and my throat burns. I think I threw up a little during my sleep, that’s the kind of burn it feels like. When writing this, it almost a sounds like I threw up at the thought of caring for my mom.

I took a moment and thought about whether I should feel bad for the normal way I crappily treat my mom and decided that I have no need to change my behaviour because there’s no other way to react to her current bitchiness. At least now I know that I will actually care for my mom and my life will improve if she hits her head and becomes stupider.

…I don’t have time to finish this short blog before she just walked down the stairs and bitched at me again. You know what she’s bitching about? The fact that I’m awake, even though I’m supposed to drive her to work… Doesn’t make sense? Welcome to my world. This momentous dream feels like it completely changed the cynical way I’ve been thinking of my mom, but it doesn’t change anything. Nothing learned. Nothing to learn…

My Mom Vs. Normal Part IV: Questions

In previous entries, I have not been shy to say that my mom asks retarded questions. Sometimes the questions are just plain stupid. Sometimes it’s the conditions surrounding the question that’s stupid. Sometimes she’s just stupid with the way she asks the questions.

And sometimes, I just like to block the stairway for no reason whatsoever.

And sometimes, I just like to block the stairway for no reason whatsoever.

I feel sorry for some of the questions a cousin of mine had to endure. He’s an academic and my mom’s an idiot and these are two of the many stupid questions she asked him:

“When people sleep on the ground, the ground energy drains them of their life energy and they’ll be more prone to sickness like cancer and stuff. Can you use science to help me explain that?”

“Have there been scientific research that tell us why people with longer arm hair are more intelligent? No? So science isn’t good enough to prove that?”

According to my research, my science can't prove that I'm the prettiest girl in the world. Omg, science can't do anything. Science sucks!

According to my research, my science can’t prove that I’m the prettiest girl in the world. Omg, science can’t do anything. Science sucks!

Like the questions above, sometimes she just has her mind set and she doesn’t even listen anymore but she’s still asking questions and wanting answers.

“Ted, do you want to move the desk from the basement for you to use? You don’t want to use it? Let’s move the desk tonight, okay?”

What's that? You're trying to quit porn? Well I'm just going to pose nude for you anyway, okay?

What’s that? You’re trying to quit porn? Well I’m just going to pose nude for you anyway, okay?

Because of all the stupidity surrounding the questions, I’ve grown to ignore her a lot of times. Before you start thinking that I’m mean, know that she’s asking for it a lot of the times. How does a person “ask” to be ignored? I’ll tell you how. There are times when my mom would ask me a question and then immediately leave the house to get the mail or something. Come back, ask the question again, and leave the fuckin’ house again. She once chained 3 of these in a combo.

3 combo. What are we comboing? Who cares.

3 combo. What are we comboing? Who cares.

Another time, she asked me a question while I was brushing my teeth. Is she not aware that I can’t talk while I’m brushing? Sure, if it were an urgent question, I could stop to answer. But it wasn’t an urgent question; it was a stupid question. It was 3 in the afternoon and she asked if I was brushing my teeth because I just woke up or if I’m about to sleep. The answer was neither. I was just brushing because I ate some sweets. Oh, and not only did she ask a question while I was physically unable to answer, she also left the room right after asking.

Send me an email if you want me to come over to your house right now. ...Oh I'm not getting emails so I guess I'll just go put my clothes back on.

Send me an email if you want me to come over to your house right now. …Oh I’m not getting emails so I guess I’ll just go put my clothes back on.

By the way, I made none of this up. Everything I just wrote about has happened. Most of these things have happened more than once. Why would something so specifically stupid be repeated? I don’t know, but anything’s fair game at this point. It may be rude for me to ignore my mom all the time, but you can’t really blame me, can you? And maybe she asks questions in ways that I can’t respond because she already expects me to ignore the questions. I wonder which came first, the chicken or the egg, the CHeCKEd out mind or the EGGnorance. Wow, that HAS to be the most terrible and forced pun in history. I apologize for that.

I'm so embarrassed I have to hide my face in a hat. You can still enjoy my boobs though.

I’m so embarrassed I have to hide my face in a hat. You can still enjoy my boobs though.

My Mom Vs. Normal Part III: Bitching, Animation, Programming

My mom does this annoying thing where she bitches about everything. Sometimes, they’re joke-y “friendly” bitching. Other times, they’re just bitching. I got a 3D monitor about 2 months ago and my mom has “friendly” bitched me twice to show her 3D movies.

Woah... the world looks so 3D...

Woah… the world looks so 3D…

What makes this bitching instead of asking? Well, that’s because I’ve already offered her to watch 3D movies 5 times (2 of those times were immediately after the bitching) but she turned down my offer every single time. So fuckin’ annoying.

What's that you want to offer me? Nah, I've already got something to suck on.

What’s that you want to offer me? Nah, I’ve already got something to suck on.

She does the same thing with food too. Every time she sees me throw out a container, she bitches that she never got to try any but every time I offer, she says no. And no, don’t argue for her that she just wants to be asked. She says no in a depressed and suicidal tone. Can you even imagine how that sounds? I highly doubt it. There was this one tiny box of chocolate that I distinctly left on the table and waited a year to eat it and she still bitched about that.

We just love to say no to boys.

We just love to say no to boys.

Here’s a little background information about me that you’ll need for the next story. I went to 2 years of university studying computer science. I have discontinued my education indefinitely because I am capable of learning those skills on my own, and going to school made me depressed, and I’m just a lazy fuck-tard.

And my background is in netting. I learned that on my own too!

And my background is in netting. I learned that on my own too!

A couple days ago, my mom said this thing to me that she has said at least two other times before. She told me that if I didn’t like what I was studying before, I should go back to school to study something else, like programming, because she heard that it’s good. If you ask her what I studied for my first 2 years, she would tell you that I was studying animation. I have said nothing that would’ve led her to think that other than saying the word “computer”. It’s one thing to not know what I’m studying, but at least have the decency to know its name or what it’s NOT.

Look at me! I'm computering!

Look at me! I’m computering!

My Mom Vs. Normal Part II

My mom does this thing where she’ll cook something, wait until I take a bite, and then ask me if it’s raw because she isn’t sure. A normal person would easily test it herself if she has any respect for her cooking or the person eating it. She might as well wait until I take a bite and ask if I taste any shit because she forgot if she got shit on her hands from wiping.

This next little section doesn’t really belong here but I’m too lazy to create a new entry for it:

I was just thinking that it would be cool if a friend wanted to hire me as a live-in housekeeper. My main goal is just to keep a roof over my head and avoid having to pay bills. Damn, I’m so jealous of slaves.

Introducing My Parents Vs. Normal

My parents keep spoon feeding me stuff to bitch about so I’m going to make this a multi-part entry as well. I will separate them by mom and dad. Just for fun, each time I update one, I will update the other to keep things balanced .I will probably do a collective one at some point. It took me so long to start this because they constantly give me too much material and actively trying to document that will consume my whole life.

My Mom Vs. Normal Part I

I always bitch about how my parents annoy me and on a few rare occasions, I wonder if I’m the one at fault. Maybe I’m just easily annoyed and they’re not actually that annoying. But then they brilliantly come in and prove me wrong. There are many ambiguous situations where it seems like I’m pissed at them for asking a perfectly normal question, but upon closer inspection, it wasn’t asked quite so perfectly normal(ly? this sounds weird… oh well).

To the untrained eye, I might seem like the bad guy but people who have annoying people in their lives will understand me. You have to bear in mind that my mom is constantly so annoying and that there are no existing pleasant experiences with her. Even if it’s not THAT bad, she overwhelms me with quantity. If you don’t have someone like that in your life, you simply won’t understand. You can’t just imagine yourself in that position because human imagination sucks. You just can’t understand just like how I would never understand what it’s like to be a black person. I’ll never know what it’s like to have a big dick, dance well, and see floating eyes and teeth in the mirror at night.

So I volunteered to drive my brother from the airport tomorrow and my mom annoyingly asked me if I’ve set up a meeting with him yet… and I got annoyed. Let’s analyze what my mom just did and how a normal person should’ve done it. First of all, if she trusts me, I shouldn’t even be questioned at all. Sure, it would be okay to give me a passing reminder but the key words are “passing” and “reminder”. What my mom did was a failed attempt at firm interrogation. A normal person might just ask if I remember about tomorrow and I’ll say “yup” and that’s the end of a normal pleasant conversation. The person reminding me knows that it’s a reminder and that it’s a brief conversation, so she would probably be doing something else or just walking past. Of course, my mom did the complete opposite. She walked into my room, planted herself next to me, and asked if I’ve told my brother that I’m driving him yet. The wording is so negatively presumptuous. She assumes that there’s even a delay between my volunteering and updating my brother on the information. Annoyed, I just grunted “yeah” and that COULD have been the end of a not so pleasant, but not terrible, exchange of words. But then she goes on and asks if I’ve discussed where to meet him yet. Really? I need HER help to do this? Bear in mind that I’m a very self sufficient person who can do everything on my own and never fails and never asks for help. Meanwhile, she’s a publicly stupid person who fears doing stuff she’s unfamiliar with and asks for help all the time. I don’t need any help and I did, she wouldn’t be helpful anyway.

To back myself up even more, my aunt once asked my mom to pick her up at the airport and my mom said no because she doesn’t know how to drive to the airport. She genuinely believed that was a legit excuse and had no ill intentions but it was stupid nonetheless. Nobody’s born knowing how to drive to the airport. The question is whether the person is worth learning to drive to the airport for and my mom’s response was no.