I’m Nice But Also Pretty Weird

I just came back from shoveling the snow. I don’t mind shoveling the snow because I just treat it as exercise. If I didn’t shovel the snow, I would just do push-ups to expend the same amount of energy, so why not do something productive with it. Actually, I wouldn’t do push-ups – I would just get fat – so shoveling the snow is really good for me.

When I finished, I still had plenty of extra energy left. I see the neighbour coming home and shoveling his driveway. He hadn’t shoveled it all night so he had a lot of snow. Because I’m living at my aunt’s, I don’t know the neighbours at all. I wanted to help him out, but I didn’t want to talk to him. I normally dislike talking to people already but I also had headphones on so it was extra reason for me to not talk to him. If I just started trespassing on his property and started shoveling, it would have been super weird, especially if I ignore him when he tries to talk to me. So, as much as I’d like to help out, I didn’t, and it was entirely because I didn’t want to talk to the guy, not even if he just said thanks. Yes, I’m weird.

Who Wants A Great Advertising Deal?

If you have a website that you’d like to advertise, I’ve got a great deal for you. This Thursday/Friday, I will be releasing Tek Tactical, a game that I’ve been working on for far longer than I should’ve. I have developed an advertising system in there that cycles through ads and rewards players for viewing ads. I partnered up with an artist for this project; The artist’s last game amassed 345k views on newgrounds alone and he believes that Tek Tactical is the best game he’s ever made so I’m hoping to see even greater numbers than that.

So, if you have something you’d like to advertise, I can probably make an amazing deal with you. I was going to write another entry about me being too lazy to lie but I’m just going to lump it into this one. I have a friend who psychopathically lies in hopes to simplify explanations. I’ve seen it backfire on him so many times, causing him to frustratingly continue a web of lies or explain the lie, and yet he still does it. I call him a psychopathic liar in jest, but it’s kinda true. At least he’s not dishonest though. He doesn’t lie to get ahead in life. It’s just a stupid habit of his.

I, on the other hand, go out of my way to tell you more truth than you need to know. I will tell you way too many deep dark thoughts to the point where I scare everyone away. My point is, I will try my honest best to get you the best advertising deal with me. I added a bunch of random people on facebook for Candy Crush and one of them seems to sell stuff online. I struck an ad deal with her. When we were discussing compensation, she was going with the norm and suggested to pay me per view I get her. I told her no, she should pay me for sales, not for views. That way, she only pays me when she get paid. It’s a win-win. I don’t even know this woman. The only thing I know about her is that she plays Candy Crush. And for once, I didn’t even fantasize about getting in her pants or anything so I had no reason to be nice to her other than for the sake of being a nice person.

So… if you have something that would benefit from advertising, you should contact me so I can work something out with you. My email is tedgaming@gmail.com

Nice People Ruin My Day

More specifically, nice girls ruin my day. On an intellectual level, I know that they’re just being nice and not doing anything wrong but on a practical level, my day just gets ruined. This kind of thing happens to me pretty often when I go out so I guess it’s a good thing I only leave the house about once a month. I shall bitch about what just happened to me which is an example of one of these things that I’m being so vague about.

I walked to a supermarket to buy 3 bags of ketchup chips. None of the detail I mentioned matters to the story at all except for the part that I was in the supermarket. One of the few joys I’ve got left in the world is eating junk food but I’m not getting obese because I’m walking an hour to the store to buy the crap I put in my body. Being depressed, I don’t actually have the motivation to exercise and I only chose to walk instead of drive because my mom angry-nagged me a few days ago and I don’t want to use her car now. I don’t want to use it because I don’t want to give her more reasons to angrily re-nag me. To her, it might seem like I’m mad at her and shunning her but I’m not. I’m talking to her as little as I normally do but she just thinks I’m mad at her because she feels guilty. Fuck, I’m digressing. Everything about my life is so retarded that I have to explain and explain and it still doesn’t really make any fuckin’ sense so I’m going to move on now.

On my walk to the store, I noticed that not only do I not like talking to people, I don’t like looking at them either. Well, that’s not exactly right. I don’t like interacting with them in any way and making eye contact might instigate a smile, a nod, a salutation, or a confrontation so I rather just look away and avoid all that. When I walk past people on the streets, I’m actually actively avoiding eye contact. It’s not that I hate all interactions, but I just don’t like pleasantries.

Before I write about my interaction with the nice girl, I’d like to go on record and say that I’m a pretty attractive person. It’s hard to put an objective value on looks and attraction but no one’s ever told me I’m ugly and people often tell me that I’m handsome or good looking or pretty or cute (The last two ain’t that great because it makes me feel androgynous which I know I kinda am). I suspect that some of those times, people just tell me that to be polite but to say the least, I’m arguably attractive. I’m also awkward and don’t know how to smile. I don’t smile around friends and family but that’s mostly because I have shitty friends and family. But I can’t smile for pictures either. It just feels awkward to me. However, I can smile during small talk with strangers. I realized that as I reflected on the events of today. Just a random fact. I don’t know what to make of it yet.

I go in the store and grabbed 3 bags of chips. I’m wearing an oversized superman shirt, not because I like superman, but because I got the shirt for free from my aunt years ago and it’s big and comfy. At the check out, the young cashier girl looks at me for a while and says “Hi.” Then she asks if I’m preparing for a gaming marathon. I told her it was just for myself with was unnecessarily truthful. When the transaction was done, she says “Hope you kick some ass!” I thought it was a little weird that she continued to presume I was gaming but that’s not important.

Most people might tell me that she was just being nice but I think it was a bit more than that. I won’t go as far as to say that she’s hitting on me, but maybe she wants me to hit on her. I think that because I can’t possibly fathom why she would say those things to me, how she can possibly enjoy saying those things without an agenda. But then again, maybe that’s just extroversion because I don’t understand that either. Even assuming that some of these girls might be interested in me, there’s no way I’m asking them out because I hate small talk and I’m cheap so I don’t like the idea of paying money to sit at some place when I don’t even want to be there. After these interactions, I’m left mulling over it for the rest of the day, thinking about whether I should’ve done something. I’d like to have someone to be comfortable with right away, someone to watch tv and just sit around with. But I can’t just go up to a random girl and ask if she wants to come to my house, my parents’ house, and watch tv with me. Society deems that as creepy and I don’t want to get arrested on a hunch that I think the girl wants me to hit on her. Actually, maybe I should do that next time because I don’t have anything to lose and I’ve previously said that I wanted to go to prison anyway.

Being Nice

I consider myself a pretty nice person. I would pretty much do anything for anyone if asked but I don’t go around offering my help. I need to be asked. But then I was playing Sleeping Dogs, doing side missions helping out in game strangers, and I realized that I actually don’t enjoy helping people. Some people claim to feel great when they do good but I just feel empty and hollow afterwards. I get a “thanks” and that’s it? Does this make me a bad person? I think so.

My Life’s Paradoxes Part II

My previous entry on paradoxes of my life was one of the most liked entries so it makes me happy that I thought of more paradoxes to write about. Hopefully I can live up to the high standard I set for myself. My last few posts haven’t generated as much likes and followers as my earlier ones so my writing quality might be decreasing or it could just be random factors coming into play that people aren’t seeing the blog. I’m thinking it’s the latter because there’s no way I’m not awesome. By the way, I have an irrational desire to be completely original. I hate feeling that there’s a chance I copied someone or even simply inspired by them. Even when I retell the same story, I have the need to change the words up, usually for the worse because I already perfected the story the first time. That said, this first paragraph irked me because I’m playing Final Fantasy XIII-2 right now and there’s a retardedly named character, Hope, and a poorly named phenomenon they call paradoxes. Just the fact that I used both these words irks me… Yeah I know, I’m a fuckin’ mess.

Speaking of games, the first paradox is my love-hate relationship with video games. I grew up enjoying video games but as I became smarter and wiser and funnier and awesomer, games became less appealing. I want to like them but the games give me a hard time loving them like what happened with Atelier Ayesha that I wrote about here: https://tedgaming.wordpress.com/2013/05/06/games-spoilted-part-iii/ Recently, I’ve grown to hate games a lot more than I love them, causing me to have loads of shit to complain about in every game I play. The paradox is that I can somehow still manage to play upwards of 15 hours a day, 100 hours a week. The simple explanation is that I have absolutely no life with absolutely nothing better to do so I do something I don’t even like. I only resumed playing games around 2 weeks ago so I wonder how long it’ll take before I burn out from doing so much of something I hate and become depressed and suicidal again.

Speaking of voluntarily doing a lot of what I hate, the next paradox is that I’m a narcissist that hates myself. It kinda makes sense because why else would a narcissist be suicidal? Why would a person want to kill someone he loves? It appears I’ve adopted a writing style where I constantly comment on what I’m writing whilst showing clear signs of narcissism and self-hate. So I will describe my relationship with myself also of the love-hate nature. …And I hate myself for repetitively writing “love-hate”. Once again, there’s more hate than love. I don’t know if there’s any love actually. I might just hate myself a lot less than everyone else, but it’s all just a heap of shitty hatefulness and I happen to be the one standing at the top. Would being on top mean I hate myself more? Fuck it. This was just a shitty metaphor about a heap of shit so it doesn’t need to make sense. This self-hate might explain why I’m doing 100 hours a week of something I hate, why I continue to live instead of carrying out a suicide, and why I’m still fuckin’ living with my parents. …Maybe I’m just too nice of a guy that I don’t want to kill anyone, not even myself.

Speaking of being nice, the last paradox is that I’m a nice person but I’m not friendly at all. I hate smiling at people, I hate small talk, and I hate greeting people. I simply hate people… But I’m nice. It might be hard for you to see how I’m nice when I say things like “it’s okay to make fun of gay and retarded people” in entries like here: https://tedgaming.wordpress.com/2013/05/04/rant-and-wonder/

or here: https://tedgaming.wordpress.com/2013/05/05/why-do-gay-men-have-to-be-so-gay/

or here: https://tedgaming.wordpress.com/2013/04/25/fat-people-comment-topic/

The last one is about fat people but fat, retarded, or gay people are all in the nether regions of society so I might as well lump them all together. Lol I have no idea how I can prove I’m nice after saying shit like this. Well, I’m smart enough not to say this stuff in real life so that doesn’t interfere with my niceness. The main reason I consider myself nice is that I do any and all favors that people ask of me. Often times I’ll bend over backwards to help people I hardly fuckin’ even know. I don’t get a sense of pride or joy out of helping people either so that’s why I consider myself fuckin’ nice. Now, why would you ask a favor of me when I won’t even say “hi” to you? Good question. My unfriendliness might be an effective deterrent because I don’t want to be helping people anyway, but I do everything I’m asked. A better question would be why I bother being nice to people if I hate them so much. Maybe it’s my self-hate in the works again by making me do things that I hate, for people that I hate… Watch out guys, you might be witnessing the origin of a super villain here, the lamest origin story of all time: “He was lonely and friendless and blogged until he realized he actually hated people.”