To Bone-Her or Not To Boner

This entire entry is written by my friend, including the title. The only thing I’m writing is this bolded text which isn’t even needed so I should stop.


Being in the sexual rut that I have been in (since birth!), I have been open to new ideas. A friend of mine recently suggested a house not too far from where I live that hosts orgies and swinger parties with women willing to fulfill my sexual fantasies. The catch? All the women would be old enough to be my grandmother. However, I couldn’t toss up the opportunity to experience an experienced woman, could I? I have not had the most success in the bedroom up until this point, but when imagining one of these older women, I thought her experience would outweigh her looks. But when I got to the place, I realized her weight outweighed everything else. Hard, cold reality smacked me full in the kisser! This is a story gone very wrong, very quickly, I might add.…

So I arrived at the destination (the only arriving I was gonna do that day, apparently). I knocked on the door. Out walked a fat, old, ugly broad, worse than anything I ever imagined, and I made sure to try and visualize the worst possible looking woman beforehand. As I mentioned before, my reasoning for doing this in the first place was for the experience and for experience itself. I paid 40 bucks for a membership fee (or member fee) and 30 bucks to go to that specific event. A total of 70 smackers, allowed me to stay there the whole day, if I so desired. It turned out it was a complete waste of money considering that I was in the vicinity of the house for no more than 25 minutes, and 15 of those minutes were spent just talking with the “host.” She then proceeded to give me a whore – I mean, tour – of the house. She had a spread of snacks set up on her dinner table ranging from jelly beans, chips, chocolate and other colorful candies, not to mention a spread of her own. Of course I wouldn’t touch any of those snacks just thinking of the dirty hands that would have been in those bowls.

While showing me the second floor of the house, we passed by hundreds of family and baby pictures on the left side of the hallway, while random couples fucked in the bedrooms on the right side. She then introduced me to Ruth, an older, fatter and even uglier woman than she was. If she were in a beauty contest with only three contestants, she’d come fourth! She eyed me hungrily, and said in her Wicked Witch of the West voice, “Mmm, fresh meat, hit me up later” and then winked at me, but with both eyes, which I found strange. I nearly gagged at the thought of having this 300lb woman on top of me. I was told that the house runs specific events like “Interracial Night Fridays.” I also somehow managed to hear rumors in the 15 minutes that I walked between those walls that Ruth had a thing for black guys. I had to imagine that her vagina was like a football field: 100 yards in length and that a lot of black guys must have sprained their ankles on it. Anyway, as I mentioned, I was in the house no longer than 25 minutes, and 15 of those minutes were spent in introductions. Now to get to the not-so-juicy details of the remaining 10 minutes….

So there I was after the tour, standing awkwardly alone. The host came up to me and told me that she wasn’t fucking today because she just had a colon checkup the previous week…. I started thinking to myself, “I understand the kind of house you are running here, but don’t the rules of meeting someone for the first time and keeping the condition of your colon out of conversation mean anything to you?” She then pointed at the youngest woman in the place, and said, “Ask her if she wants to play.” Note that I was pretty nervous from the moment I set foot in the house, but not nearly as much as when I realized I had to woo a woman twice my age. (And even then I was getting off – no pun intended – lightly, because most of the beauties were quadruple my age!) I eventually grabbed her hand and asked her, “Do you want to play?” She chuckled and said, “Well, yes I do!” Don’t get me wrong, although this one was the youngest, she still didn’t fit on any scale I ever conjured up in my mind. However, she really wasn’t that bad for an older broad. (Let’s not forget how desperate I was – and still am!) She asked me if I’d ever done this sort of thing before (“Do you come here often?”). Then she told me not to be nervous and to just try to enjoy myself. I was feeling a bit more confident at this point, but then she raised the question (not my dick), “Are you comfortable fucking or being naked in front of people?” In my head, my first thought was that I’m hardly comfortable fucking or being naked in front of one girl, but to pass myself off as seeming calm, cool and collected, I answered, “I guess we’ll find out today.”

We got in the room and had about a minute of small talk, and then she started to kiss me…. I wasn’t expecting it. I thought the rules of this “social” situation indicated we would be purely fucking, but then I understand that there still needs to be some kind of foreplay (even if it meant playing Bingo with her). Kissing a 50 year old broad wasn’t the worst thing in the world, but it was the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life, thus far. I had trouble taking off her bra. (It seems that’s always going to be an ongoing problem for me.) She pretty much took off all her clothes and then proceeded to take off all mine. She pushed me on the bed and started giving me head – and I’m not talking cerebral here. Now in my mind, I know I’m self-conscious every second of these encounters, so I actually lifted my head to see if I was hard – to my surprise, I was! So I actually “enjoyed” the next 5 minutes. I’ll be honest, I don’t enjoy BJ’s usually. Of my experiences, she was the first one that seemed to know what she was doing, and yet I still didn’t enjoy it. Sometimes I feel like my dick doesn’t give a fuck unless I’m the one touching it, because it’s more relaxed and comfortable with me. Anyway, at this point, she grabbed a condom package from the desk behind her. I then asked her to open it and put it on me to avoid any embarrassing moves on my part. But she wanted me to open it, so I took it, and said, “You gotta open it like a bag of chips” while tearing the wrapper. One conclusion I can make by now in my life is that condoms absolutely kill the mood for me. The second I put it on, or more like after 45 seconds of trying to put it on, I am no longer hard. And now by this point, I found it impossible to get hard again! She got on top of me, used her hands to try to get me hard again, but it just didn’t work. Now let me get to the worst part of all….

I can blame the condom, which I seem to have so much trouble putting on all the time. I can also blame the bad smell that seemed to fill every room and hallway in that house. If I wanted to, I could even blame Ruth’s saggy, crusty, pimpled ass that I saw as she walked up the stairs in front of me.  But, what I think really fucked it up for me was the fact that another naked man walked into the bedroom and then sat right beside me on the bed. Now, I know the woman warned me about this before. Apparently their policy is that you can’t close the door for security reasons. You’re allowed to ask for private time, but everyone is still allowed to watch. Talk about an “open door policy!” She moved her hand over and started to give him a handjob while still on top of me. I’m telling you – I’ve never seen my dick shrink so fast. The speed of light! At one point, I remember her looking down in a surprised manner, probably to check to see if my dick was even still there. She whispered to me, “You can ask him to get out of the room if you want private time.” So I quietly yelled: “GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!” I’m kidding of course. At this point I just wanted out of the house – period! But, I thought I’d give it a shot. So I asked him to leave and he left, but only outside the door to watch, with the other 2 guys already standing there…. So now I had 3 guys watching me “try” to fuck this lady with the limpest dick they’d ever seen – and for that matter, I’d ever seen! Maybe if I wasn’t constantly seeing their faces out of the corner of my eye, it might not have been so bad. She started kissing me again, probably thinking it would get me hard like it was 5 minutes before, but it just didn’t work. I figured it was hopeless at this point. She noticed, and said, “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.” I was thinking it doesn’t matter, I plan to tell everyone anyway. In fact, I’ll write about it. I’m certain she must have asked the host for a refund after experiencing me. I left the room to go to the washroom. I went in, got dressed, and considered stealing some towels to get my money’s worth. I exited the washroom and wanted to say goodbye to the old broad for the sake of good manners, but she was too busy with the other 3 guys already on top of her. I then told the host to let me get my bicycle out of her garage because I had to go. She asked me, “How was it?” I replied, “Decent.”

So after all that – coitus interruptus! – I didn’t even get the experience I set out to get. My sex-capades have been a nerve-racking experience up until now. I really should just give up the whole idea of trying to get properly laid knowing that, no matter what, it eventually leads to anxiety, to say the least. Unfortunately, I actually enjoy “the chase” part of it. If I didn’t, I could save a lot of money.

Will I ever go back? Perhaps after a night downtown of trying to pick up chicks my own age, I’ll be so drunk and desperate that I’ll remember the house that gave me a boner, and then took it away so quickly.