Swallowing Pain

I have been sick for the past week. I can’t even remember the last time I got sick so this is new for me. I’ve always been mentally sick, but being physically sick is quite a bit different. I can’t really quantify whether I was more tired or I was just being lazy and using the sickness as an excuse not to do anything. The one biggest symptom is that my throat hurt like hell and swallowing is now painful.

 

When swallowing causes immense pain, it makes me question the necessity of swallowing. Normally, I would swallow saliva every 10 seconds or so and it would almost be an involuntary motion. During certain dental procedures, I might not swallow for a while but they have a tube sucking out the saliva for me. When I was a kid, I used to hate the smell of being inside a car. I went through a phase for a couple years where I felt that my saliva is nastier in the car. I also didn’t want to smell the car so I would only breath through my mouth and not swallow any saliva. At the end of every car ride, I would spit out a mouthful of saliva as soon as I jump out of the car. Describing it now makes me sound like the most disgusting little kid. If a car ride went above 30 minutes, it starts to get really difficult and I would almost feel like I’m drowning. My parents never addressed that messed up behaviour. I don’t think that was good parenting on their part.

 

Not swallowing is really a weird feeling. I can do it for ten minutes or so but then there’s this strong urge to just swallow, even if I know that it’s going to hurt like hell. That’s pretty much all I have to say about my dumb throat and saliva but I also want the title to be about swallowing the pain of a heartbreak. Sometimes it hurts so bad, I don’t know how anyone is supposed to deal with it. “Wisdom” would say that the bad moments are necessary to appreciate the good ones but thinking back on recent events, I do not believe that is the case at all. The heartbreak thing isn’t really about me and I feel like I’m writing crappily by being so vague about this but I think I’m just going to leave it like this for now.

 

There’s a few more things I want to write about from an episode of Joe Rogan Experience podcast I just listened to. The guest was Steve Maxwell who is a famous trainer. They talked about the shittiness of Crossfit for a bit. I barely know anything about Crossfit other than the fact that it’s supposed to be some sort of hardcore training regimen. Steve Maxwell discredited it in many ways, even on a common sense level, because the creator of Crossfit is a Greg Glassman, a doughy out of shape man. Why would anyone take fitness advice from him? How is this not common knowledge?

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Steve Maxwell also strongly believed that digesting food is very taxing on the body and has several negative effects. Statistically, places where people often live over 100 don’t have a habit of eating very much. In fact, they eat very little. Steve Maxwell knows the stats better and the names of the places as well. I didn’t bother retaining that information. It feels so much dumber to regurgitate information without the proper stats. The other really interesting thing he does is that whenever he feels ill, he’ll fast. His reasoning is that the human body naturally knows to get rid of the bad cells and use those for energy so you get rid of the bad stuff quicker plus you don’t bog the body down by making it digest a bunch of food. Steve Maxwell was definitely one of those guests that I did not think I would enjoy listening to but he was able to change my mind.

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Pain and Death

In the last entry, I mentioned that my uncle has cancer and is in a lot of pain, to the point where he wants to die. I drove him to dialysis today and apparently it was one of the worst days he’s ever had. I watched him squirm and moan in pain for a long time. The doctor today estimates that my uncle probably only has 2 weeks left, 3 weeks if he continues dialysis. With the constant intense pain, my uncle just wanted to end it. He wanted to stop the dialysis to end it quicker. But that doesn’t help with his current pains.

It took them a while to increase his pain medication doses. It seems stupid to me that they took so long. Why isn’t the pain addressed right away? Even in all his pain, my uncle didn’t urge for more pain medicine. My aunt only increased the dosage by 1 unit. From 150 to 175 of whatever it is. He was still in a lot of pain. Sure, the medicine didn’t kick in yet, but it was almost certain that it wasn’t going to be enough. I told her to increase it by another unit, to 200, and she did it after resisting the idea for a bit. Throughout the night, my uncle still seemed to experience quite a bit of pain but at least it became a lot more bearable.

Earlier today, my aunt had told me how hard it is for my uncle to die. She says that there a lot of suffering that goes on before finally reaching death. Well fuck, take more painkillers then. I told her that she should ask the doctor tomorrow for way more painkillers. Take as much as he’ll prescribe and increase the dosage every time the pain gets worse. Why the fuck not? When I first suggested it, she said she didn’t want to give him too much because too much isn’t good. I didn’t argue with her but I argued the fuck out of it in my head. Wtf. He’s already dying either way, why not go with less pain? What’s the worst that can happen? He overdoses and dies? Isn’t that the end goal at this point?

I’m sparing you a lot of boring details and simplified the situation a little. My point is, I can hardly fathom why people don’t see such simple solutions to their silly problems. Now I’m not an expert in medicine so maybe mild overdose of painkillers would backfire and cause extreme pain. I don’t know, but I doubt that’s true. The other thing to consider is the cost of medicine but I’m pretty sure money is not the problem here. If my aunt is just overwhelmed by information and all the things she needs to keep track of and forgets about simple things like the simple solution to pain, that’s understandable. But even when I bring it up, she fights it, so it’s not a matter of neglect.

The other thing I noticed tonight was my reaction to other people’s pain. It was definitely uncomfortable to watch, but I’m pretty sure I can watch it for a long time (practically forever) if I had to. I wonder if that’s a sign of my mental strength or a sign of me being a sociopathic cold fucker. I definitely felt uncomfortable so I don’t think it’s a sociopath thing. I wonder how much harder it would be to watch someone I deeply loved and cared for to suffer like that. I wonder if I’ll ever find anyone to love and care for deeply. I also wondered if I would make a good torture supervisor and whether I would be able to hold my breath until I die so don’t take my wonders too seriously.

The Heart Aches When It’s Frozen

There is no such thing as cold. What we call cold, is simply a lack of heat. I will expand on that later. Don’t worry, I’m not turning into an emotional-poet-wannabe. This is actually about something stupid that I do and my thoughts about it. This is about physical heart pains I experience when I put ice near my chest.

Be prepared to read for a while.

Be prepared to read for a while.

Okay, why the heck is Ted putting ice near his chest? This will take a number of sentences to explain. I bought a beast of a computer recently and placed it in my room, which is pretty small. Being the beast that it is, the computer is huge and generates a lot of heat. But this computer is no dumb beast. It’s a well-built beast so it has tons of fans to keep it cool. As a result, my beastly computer pushes all the hot air into my tiny room.

If Ted says "beast" one more time, I'll kill him.

If Ted says “beast” one more time, I’ll kill him.

My computer’s a beast so there’s not much I can do about it. My room isn’t that small and I’m not complaining about its size. It’s just not very well ventilated. Why is it not ventilated? Because the door is closed most of the time. Why is the door closed most of the time? To keep noise from coming in or going out. When my family’s around, they’re loud and I hate them so I would rather not hear them. At night, I try not to make too much noise because I’m a considerate person and I don’t want to disturb them when they’re trying to sleep. There are also handfuls of other reasons why I would want to close the door.

Pun intended. Teehee.

Occasionally, I bring ice packs into the room to cool it down a bit. I used to put the ice packs right next to the beast but then there are lots of pools of condensation water and I don’t want to get it wet. So now, I just put the ice packs on the desk, in front of the keyboard, so that the part of the room near the computer will still be somewhat cooler. That is why I have ice near my chest.

Long ass background story.

Long ass background story.

The ice isn’t actually touching my body so it’s not a frost-bitey kind of pain. For some reason, my heart is the thing that’s in pain. As far as I know, I don’t have any heart problems. In fact, I used to be pretty fit. A few years ago, I was running 10km everyday, as a means of transportation. I was a beast. In fact, I feel the heart pain right now. It’s an odd kind of pain. I don’t know what a heart attack feels like, but this feels like the prologue. I guess it feels like I’m dying? I still have the ice packs in front of me so I’m pretty sure that’s the reason I feel the pain, not because the girl from the picture is killing me for continuing to say “beast”.

Looks like I'll have to kill Ted the old fashioned way.

Looks like I’ll have to kill Ted the old fashioned way.

You know when you do hardcore cardiovascular exercises and your heart hurts because it’s working so hard? It feels a little bit like that but my heart isn’t beating any faster and I’m not breathing any differently. I don’t think it’s beating slower either. Remember the first lines of this entry? Back in high school, a smart girl named Emma sat near me in science class and I overheard her thinking that out loud. Heat is a type of energy and cold is just the lack of that energy. If I try to visualize how the ice packs affect the temperature in the room, I see cold air emanating from it. But cold isn’t a thing, heat is. So the ice packs are actually absorbing the surrounding heat. Energy is flowing towards it, not away from it. With the ice near my chest, it’s literally sucking (heat) energy from my heart.

Kind of like staring at her chest drains all my energy to do anything else...

Kind of like staring at her chest drains all my energy to do anything else…

Maybe the ice packs are causing condensation to happen within my body (maybe in my lungs?). And maybe condensation hurts. Maybe. Or maybe not. I don’t really care. If I cared, I would start by moving the ice packs further away instead of stupidly feeling discomfort. Before I end this entry, I want to warn any new readers I may have. My last couple posts have been more thoughtful and significantly less profane than what I usually write. The next entry is going to be back to being crude. The title will be a dead giveaway so don’t read it if you can’t handle it. If you do decide to read and you find something offensive, stop reading immediately because it’s not going to get any less offensive. People who love my sense of humor is going to love it. I won’t taint this entry with the title, but let’s just say it’s going to be about a handful of things. I have a lot of material which will take several hours to write. I’m deciding whether I should release it in parts or just release one really long entry. If I release in parts, it’ll just mean that you can read it sooner and I’ll still be releasing the full version when it’s done. Basically, if you just read this as my latest blog entry and you want to read more of my awesomeness right NOW, let me know and I will start releasing it in chunks.

I eagerly look forward to it since he's hyping it up so much.

I eagerly look forward to it since he’s hyping it up so much.