Promised Procrastination Paradox

I promised that I was going to procrastinate from programming with blogging and voila. There really isn’t any paradox with it. I only included it in the title because I’m going to write a bit about a game called The Guided Fate Paradox. Also, it starts with P and I apparently want to alliterate my title. I’m actually not really procrastinating right now. I did try to procrastinate by asking people like Justin to podcast with me but those didn’t happen and I ended finishing all my work instead. That doesn’t mean I was hard working though. I only assigned myself very little work for today and it turned out to be even less than I expected. I finished it in a couple minutes. That’s all the work I’ve done not only for today, but for the past week. I’ve been a major slack off lately. This is still procrastinating though because I create games and I literally have an endless amount of work I can be doing but fuck that, I’m done for today.

Just like the title of this blog entry, the word “paradox” doesn’t fit into the game title at all. If I look online, I’m sure I can find people who can explain what the title means but instead of doing that, I’m just going to bitch about it. The Guided Fate Paradox is simply a bad name all around. That title would only attract people looking for a deep intelligent game with philosophical ideas but when they look at the game and see anime characters and 2D sprites, they would probably be turned off. Or maybe not. I don’t know what people think and I’m just talking shit here but that’s what I think.

The game is a Nippon Ichi Software game and I love all their games. NIS America is the American branch that localizes the games. Disgaea is their most famous series and I just picked up Disgaea D2 from the library today. If I had to describe their game in short, it’s 2D tactical RPGs with hilarious dialogues and a level cap of 9999 instead of the traditional 100 which satisfies my level-grinding needs. There are lots of ways to develop your characters and I really admire that aspect of their games.

Nippon Ichi’s style of games easily does not fit most people’s tastes but it fits my tastes perfectly. I don’t enjoy the 2D graphics, but I don’t mind them. One thing that confused me quite a bit is how few players they have. In this game, there’s a feature where you can check online stats for all the collective players. The game was released half a year ago and it only has less than 13,000 players. Now, that stat is only for players who go online which I don’t know how many ps3 players don’t go online but when you even it out with piracy and people borrowing and reselling games, that number is around the sales number they’ve got. They’re an accomplished game company and off the top of my head I can remember at least 8 of their games that I’ve enjoyed. 13,000 is such a sad number. I think that number is only for North America. I hope so. If it’s worldwide, then it’s really sad. I’m pretty sure the game is much more popular in Japan. I’m sure it’s still profitable for them, otherwise they would stop localizing these games, but I still can’t get over that number.

If I made a game and got those kinds of numbers, I wouldn’t be satisfied with it at all. My last game, Tek Tactical, is kind of a failure and it still got several hundred thousand plays. I know that I’m comparing a shitty free web game to a $60 ps3 game, but I still can’t get over the number of players. I’d like to get viral and popular so it seems I’m actually on the right path right now by making free games. I just gotta actually get my ass working on these games instead of procrastinating all the time.

Anyway, I guess that’s all I’ve got to say about that game for now. The other thing I promised to write about is how I accidentally cooked/burned my thigh. I’ve been boiling water and taking it upstairs to the bathtub. On one of my many trips through the halls of my house, I bumped the empty hot pot into the wall and it hit my thigh. It bounced off my thigh and barely touched it but it’s been two days now and I’ve got this red mark. It looks like one of those red marks as if I pressed my elbow on my thigh for several minutes and when I let go, it’s red. Or when you fall asleep in class and when you wake up, your face has those red marks.  It just looks like one of those, except it’s not one of those because this one doesn’t go away after a few minutes and it hurts a little. Funny thing about touching hot things is that you can see how slow the body reacts. If you try to stick your hand in hot water, you can feel an obvious delay before you feel the heat and the need to pull your hand away. On a similar note, sometimes I test how hot something is by just touching it and withdrawing right away. After I’m no longer touching the object, I slowly get a sense of how hot it was when I touched it. I thought about including a picture of my thigh but I got too lazy.

Umm… I don’t think I wrote anything funny in this entire entry. That’s quite a shame. I’ll quote two funny things I heard on the Joe Rogan Experience podcast lately:

When confronted with comparing UFC with human cock fighting, a good response is “Nope, all our fighters wear pants in the UFC.” – Campbell McLaren, co-founder of UFC

“Show me a good loser and I’ll show you a loser.” – Kron Gracie

False Resentment

It’s easy to resent people for not accepting you when you’re not at your best. But at the same time, I can’t really blame them. If/when I get successful and girls from my past start getting more interested in me, I would wonder where the fuck they were when I needed them the most, like right now. But then nobody would want to be with a shitty excuse of a person like me right now so it’s not really their fault either.

When you’re in a better place, you won’t resent the new people you meet because they did not reject you when you were at your low. But they didn’t have to because they never got to see it. If they saw you at your low, they would probably reject the shit out of you. Chances are, the old friends you resent are actually better friends to you but emotions trick you into hating the ones you should love and loving the ones you should hate.

My Life’s Paradoxes Part IV

This entry is a bit different than the rest. I just want to write some crap right now and not worry about how it comes out. No planning. Just gonna write whatever’s on my mind and I’m just going to assume my raw thoughts are interesting enough to be read. Oh wait, that doesn’t sound any different than what I normally do.

Sometimes, I’m so smart and think of so many possibilities that I act upon one of the non-obvious ones and it ends up making me look stupid where I wouldn’t look stupid if I just did the obvious thing. A quick example would be seeing a gap in a closed doorway and assuming that the door isn’t fully closed so I don’t need to turn the door knob, but it turns out I still needed to turn the knob and I walk straight into a closed door like a dumbass. If I just turned the fuckin door knob regardless of the gap, the obvious approach, I wouldn’t have looked stupid. Maybe I’m not a smart person who looks stupid. Maybe I’m just a total dumbass who dumbassedly thinks he’s smart even though he’s not.

In the past, I’ve frequently written about my virginity and my (arguably confused) sexuality. Even though I’m always horny, I think sex is pretty gross. When I watch porn, I’m only interested in softcore lesbian porn. But that’s too specific so I usually just watch normal lesbian porn and enjoy the softcore bits and get grossed out by the actual sexual parts. I don’t think I would enjoy sex but I’m jealous that other people gets action. I’m basically just a dick who wants everyone else to be as miserable as I am I guess.

A lot of people work 9-5 jobs, but I work a 5-9 job. Really, it’s true. I work part time from 5pm to 9pm. I’m not trying to be funny. Actually, I am trying to be funny but I don’t want to admit that because I know it’s not funny. That was just a stupid non joke.

A lot of people seek their parents’ approval and working part time at a minimum wage job at 22 is quite a disappointment. But that doesn’t bother me because I don’t seek my parents’ approval at all. In fact, I think I crave their disappointment. Because I dislike and disrespect them so much, I don’t want to give them the satisfaction of having raised a person who leads a successful life. Maybe I’m only being a miserable and depressed piece of shit out of spite towards my parents.

With all the crap I write about my parents, I will go on record and say that they’re not bad people, they’re just bad parents. …Whether a person is good or bad pretty much depends on the result of their action and they produce shit results, just look at me. I guess they are bad people, but they don’t have bad intentions. Intentions don’t really matter if they consistently yield bad results though. Actually, I don’t know my parents enough to really know their intentions so maybe they are bad people after all.

I honestly believe my parents are total dumbasses who might be borderline retarded. Maybe not even borderline. Although I’d like to think I’m smart, considering my lack of accomplishments and that I’m raised by two retards, I’m probably retarded too. And if that’s the case, you just read an entire article that some retard wrote on a whim so I don’t even know what that makes you, you retard lover. Oh I just answered my own question. And if you hate me, then you’re a retard hater and know that that makes you a bad person. Mwahaha, I just antagonized everyone. …all the 10 people who reads this.

… I don’t think I should end like this… I gotta fix this. Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure I’m not retarded so you’re not a retard lover. Or even if I am retarded, you don’t love me so you’re still not a retard lover. Whatever the case, you’re not a retard lover. No one is. Retard lovers don’t exist. Who could love a retard? Yup, everything’s fixed. I retracted my insult while simultaneously writing something insensitive, ignorant, and dickish. Perfect.

My Life’s Paradoxes Part III

Just thought up another handful of paradoxes today so I thought I’d write them up. The first one would be me continuing to update this blog right after my entry last night saying that I might stop blogging.

I ran a lot of errands with a friend today and we were planning to eat lunch. He wanted to do some banking before that and asked if I was dying to eat. That got me thinking. I’m never dying to eat. I could be dying from hunger and I still wouldn’t be dying to eat. It actually pisses me off when people whine about needing to eat. Go eat shit. Okay, I went way off track…

In the past, I have been extremely selective and picky with the girls I think about asking out. Lately, I noticed that I’ve lowered my standards a lot. In my mind, I convince myself into thinking that uglier girls might be easier targets and easiness adds to how much I’m attracted to them. In reality, uglier girls aren’t easier for the most part so I’m basically just lowering my expectations for no reason. I made myself out as such a jerk so you might be happy to know that karma is doing its job and I live a shitty life and never gotten close to getting laid.

It might be hard to believe what I’m about to say coming from a cynical dick like me, but I want kids. I want kids, but I don’t want shitty kids. I have no idea how to not raise a shitty kid so any kid I raise would probably end up shitty. That’s why I don’t want kids.

This last little bit isn’t a paradox, but I just woke up from a dream where my parents pissed the shit out of me. It isn’t the first time this happened either. Even in my dreams, my parents won’t leave me alone.

My Life’s Paradoxes Part II

My previous entry on paradoxes of my life was one of the most liked entries so it makes me happy that I thought of more paradoxes to write about. Hopefully I can live up to the high standard I set for myself. My last few posts haven’t generated as much likes and followers as my earlier ones so my writing quality might be decreasing or it could just be random factors coming into play that people aren’t seeing the blog. I’m thinking it’s the latter because there’s no way I’m not awesome. By the way, I have an irrational desire to be completely original. I hate feeling that there’s a chance I copied someone or even simply inspired by them. Even when I retell the same story, I have the need to change the words up, usually for the worse because I already perfected the story the first time. That said, this first paragraph irked me because I’m playing Final Fantasy XIII-2 right now and there’s a retardedly named character, Hope, and a poorly named phenomenon they call paradoxes. Just the fact that I used both these words irks me… Yeah I know, I’m a fuckin’ mess.

Speaking of games, the first paradox is my love-hate relationship with video games. I grew up enjoying video games but as I became smarter and wiser and funnier and awesomer, games became less appealing. I want to like them but the games give me a hard time loving them like what happened with Atelier Ayesha that I wrote about here: Recently, I’ve grown to hate games a lot more than I love them, causing me to have loads of shit to complain about in every game I play. The paradox is that I can somehow still manage to play upwards of 15 hours a day, 100 hours a week. The simple explanation is that I have absolutely no life with absolutely nothing better to do so I do something I don’t even like. I only resumed playing games around 2 weeks ago so I wonder how long it’ll take before I burn out from doing so much of something I hate and become depressed and suicidal again.

Speaking of voluntarily doing a lot of what I hate, the next paradox is that I’m a narcissist that hates myself. It kinda makes sense because why else would a narcissist be suicidal? Why would a person want to kill someone he loves? It appears I’ve adopted a writing style where I constantly comment on what I’m writing whilst showing clear signs of narcissism and self-hate. So I will describe my relationship with myself also of the love-hate nature. …And I hate myself for repetitively writing “love-hate”. Once again, there’s more hate than love. I don’t know if there’s any love actually. I might just hate myself a lot less than everyone else, but it’s all just a heap of shitty hatefulness and I happen to be the one standing at the top. Would being on top mean I hate myself more? Fuck it. This was just a shitty metaphor about a heap of shit so it doesn’t need to make sense. This self-hate might explain why I’m doing 100 hours a week of something I hate, why I continue to live instead of carrying out a suicide, and why I’m still fuckin’ living with my parents. …Maybe I’m just too nice of a guy that I don’t want to kill anyone, not even myself.

Speaking of being nice, the last paradox is that I’m a nice person but I’m not friendly at all. I hate smiling at people, I hate small talk, and I hate greeting people. I simply hate people… But I’m nice. It might be hard for you to see how I’m nice when I say things like “it’s okay to make fun of gay and retarded people” in entries like here:

or here:

or here:

The last one is about fat people but fat, retarded, or gay people are all in the nether regions of society so I might as well lump them all together. Lol I have no idea how I can prove I’m nice after saying shit like this. Well, I’m smart enough not to say this stuff in real life so that doesn’t interfere with my niceness. The main reason I consider myself nice is that I do any and all favors that people ask of me. Often times I’ll bend over backwards to help people I hardly fuckin’ even know. I don’t get a sense of pride or joy out of helping people either so that’s why I consider myself fuckin’ nice. Now, why would you ask a favor of me when I won’t even say “hi” to you? Good question. My unfriendliness might be an effective deterrent because I don’t want to be helping people anyway, but I do everything I’m asked. A better question would be why I bother being nice to people if I hate them so much. Maybe it’s my self-hate in the works again by making me do things that I hate, for people that I hate… Watch out guys, you might be witnessing the origin of a super villain here, the lamest origin story of all time: “He was lonely and friendless and blogged until he realized he actually hated people.”