I’m about to perform the saddest masturbation ever. I feel like total shit right now. I don’t want to hate my parents, but every word that comes out of their mouths annoys the shit out of me, to the point that it manifests as physical pain. I haven’t seen my parents for a month and I don’t miss them one bit. However, I had to spend most of today with them as part of Chinese New Years to have dinner with some relatives. It was horrible. Today is the worst day I’ve had as far as I can remember – worse than yesterday when my uncle died; worse than dealing with retarded haters on the internet; worse than the day my mom nagged me at 2am until I walked out of the house in freezing weather in shorts and t-shirt because I needed to get out of the house and I stayed outside for hours.
Describing why my parents annoy me does not even begin to explain the fucked up situation. They bicker nonstop about the super retarded shit. Try to imagine the most retarded shit someone can bicker about, and they’re bickering about something much more retarded than that. You know the kind of bickering you see on TV that’s exaggerated for humor? They bicker much more than that. What is the most annoying sound you can imagine? If that sound was being played right in your face for hours on end and you have no way of turning it off, then you’ll get a fraction of the annoying experience I get with my parents.
I’m not even going to describe what happened when I yelled at my mom in the middle of the store when we were buying a suit for me to wear to the funeral. I hate having to get angry. I never get angry at anyone and never yell at anyone. If I don’t like someone, I stay away from them. I am a very peaceful person. My parents literally drive me crazy. I sound like a fucking teenage girl when I say that, but it’s true. I actually do retarded shit after being stuck with my parents. Prior to writing this blog, I’ve been hammering my head with my hands as hard as I could. Physical pain doesn’t “hurt” me, but I’m emotionally fucked up to the core. I’ve also been crying like a pussy for an hour now. Only one tear came out but my face is stuck in stupid crying positions. Being alive just feels so uncomfortable right now.
I know this whole thing sounds really stupid. I hate it all. I hate that I’m affected by such stupid shit. I don’t even know why the fuck I’m making these stupid crying faces. If somebody walks into the room right now, I know I can suppress all this shit. But with no one around, there’s no reason to hold it back. Because this is what happens when I don’t hold back, this must be what I’m truly feeling. What the fuck is it though? All I know is that it’s a clusterfuck of sadness.
During dinner, I was talking with my cousin’s husband about politics and cannabis and shit. Then he asked for my professional advice about building websites for a business he’s about to start. This isn’t some dumb college kid business idea where they just talk a bunch of shit. Dumb college kids either don’t follow through or their idea is shit. This guy is already involved in 2 profitable businesses and he wants me to help him out with this new one. I told him a bunch of website stuff and marketing strategies he could consider. Then my mom butts in and tells him we should eat more instead of talking so much. The guy tells her that I’m teaching him stuff and my mom calls bullshit on that and says if he wants to talk about video games, Ted will talk your ears off. What the fuck is that? It’s retarded and it’s not true. I’ve never talked to anyone about video games for more than a minute. There’s nothing to talk about. Isolated examples like these sound like I’m overreacting but you can’t judge until you have someone who never says anything good to you and every word they utter is annoying. And then there’s my dad. He’s the angriest asshole in the world and he tells me to curb my anger. He taunts me about it and laughs at me. I never respond to that because it’s pointless.
So here I am, feeling like shit and still making retarded crying faces. I feel so miserable right now. I’ve decided that I need to masturbate to feel a semblance of something good. I’m not in the mood at all but I need to do something about this sadness. This is going to be the saddest masturbation ever…