Saddest Masturbation Ever…

I’m about to perform the saddest masturbation ever. I feel like total shit right now. I don’t want to hate my parents, but every word that comes out of their mouths annoys the shit out of me, to the point that it manifests as physical pain. I haven’t seen my parents for a month and I don’t miss them one bit. However, I had to spend most of today with them as part of Chinese New Years to have dinner with some relatives. It was horrible. Today is the worst day I’ve had as far as I can remember – worse than yesterday when my uncle died; worse than dealing with retarded haters on the internet; worse than the day my mom nagged me at 2am until I walked out of the house in freezing weather in shorts and t-shirt because I needed to get out of the house and I stayed outside for hours.

Describing why my parents annoy me does not even begin to explain the fucked up situation. They bicker nonstop about the super retarded shit. Try to imagine the most retarded shit someone can bicker about, and they’re bickering about something much more retarded than that. You know the kind of bickering you see on TV that’s exaggerated for humor? They bicker much more than that. What is the most annoying sound you can imagine? If that sound was being played right in your face for hours on end and you have no way of turning it off, then you’ll get a fraction of the annoying experience I get with my parents.

I’m not even going to describe what happened when I yelled at my mom in the middle of the store when we were buying a suit for me to wear to the funeral. I hate having to get angry. I never get angry at anyone and never yell at anyone. If I don’t like someone, I stay away from them. I am a very peaceful person. My parents literally drive me crazy. I sound like a fucking teenage girl when I say that, but it’s true. I actually do retarded shit after being stuck with my parents. Prior to writing this blog, I’ve been hammering my head with my hands as hard as I could. Physical pain doesn’t “hurt” me, but I’m emotionally fucked up to the core. I’ve also been crying like a pussy for an hour now. Only one tear came out but my face is stuck in stupid crying positions. Being alive just feels so uncomfortable right now.

I know this whole thing sounds really stupid. I hate it all. I hate that I’m affected by such stupid shit. I don’t even know why the fuck I’m making these stupid crying faces. If somebody walks into the room right now, I know I can suppress all this shit. But with no one around, there’s no reason to hold it back. Because this is what happens when I don’t hold back, this must be what I’m truly feeling. What the fuck is it though? All I know is that it’s a clusterfuck of sadness.

During dinner, I was talking with my cousin’s husband about politics and cannabis and shit. Then he asked for my professional advice about building websites for a business he’s about to start. This isn’t some dumb college kid business idea where they just talk a bunch of shit. Dumb college kids either don’t follow through or their idea is shit. This guy is already involved in 2 profitable businesses and he wants me to help him out with this new one. I told him a bunch of website stuff and marketing strategies he could consider. Then my mom butts in and tells him we should eat more instead of talking so much. The guy tells her that I’m teaching him stuff and my mom calls bullshit on that and says if he wants to talk about video games, Ted will talk your ears off. What the fuck is that? It’s retarded and it’s not true. I’ve never talked to anyone about video games for more than a minute. There’s nothing to talk about. Isolated examples like these sound like I’m overreacting but you can’t judge until you have someone who never says anything good to you and every word they utter is annoying. And then there’s my dad. He’s the angriest asshole in the world and he tells me to curb my anger. He taunts me about it and laughs at me. I never respond to that because it’s pointless.

So here I am, feeling like shit and still making retarded crying faces. I feel so miserable right now. I’ve decided that I need to masturbate to feel a semblance of something good. I’m not in the mood at all but I need to do something about this sadness. This is going to be the saddest masturbation ever…

Parent Children Relationship

There are people out there who genuinely believe that parents should be parents and they’re not the child’s friends. I think that’s stupid. I hope it’s not true but I wouldn’t be surprised if it were true for most people because most people are genetically stupid. It’s definitely easier to ensure a child doesn’t get spoiled by playing the role of a “bad guy”, but there has to be a better way. A lot of miserable and depressed people have no friends. Most of them still have parents. Wouldn’t their lives be much better if they had 1 friend? Also, while you’re friends with someone, you’re with them a lot more and you’ll have more opportunities to parent them. If anything, it just seems like more parents aren’t willing to put in the time and effort to do it right.

Without friendship, how can two people truly love one another? Most people I see seem to be playing the role of a good child or a good parent. They’re acting. They’re pretending. There’s no genuine relationship there. I’m not saying any of these people are assholes or anything. They truly want to be good parents and good children. But they’re not. The best they can do is pretend to be the thing they want to be.

I’ve been living at my aunt’s house lately and this whole acting thing is becoming more apparent to me. It’s not like I never noticed it before, but I just decided to write about it now. Without writing out everyone’s life stories, my uncle’s had cancer for years now and is very sickly and one of his daughters tries to be a really good daughter. She tries to do things for him like helping him walk and stuff. Let’s look at the walking. She holds him while he walks, which is a very good girl thing to do. Unlike some white families, Chinese families tend to have very little physical contact. She obviously doesn’t want to be touching him. Not because he’s sick or germy or anything. Touching’s just naturally a little uncomfortable to us because it feels alien. She wants to help and she wants to show that she wants to help, but the awkward touching probably does more harm than good. That’s not true. It’s probably not doing any harm, but it’s not doing much good either is my point.

She tends to him very well. An excellence performance indeed. But at the end of the day, how much does she actually care? My uncle spends the other 23 ½ hours sitting by himself with no one to talk to. Because they’re not friends, they cannot carry out prolonged conversations. She’ll try to include him when she talks about her day or something, but it’s not a conversation. I’ve seen my uncle talk to other people. It’s not like he doesn’t have the energy to talk. It does exhaust him a little to make sounds, but it’s at least more enjoyable than slowly dying. But he doesn’t talk much with his family, because they’re not friends, because it’s not worth the energy.

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe there’s genuine love there. If love means leaving the guy alone for most of his day and watching him die slowly, then I don’t want any part in that kind of love. I want more than that. If I ever have a child, I’ll make sure to do a better job. If I end up raising a fucked up criminal for a child, at least I’ll be friends with him/her.