I’m basically just trying to pass time these days. I’m supposed to have some interviews next week and I’m just going to ride that out. If I were a harder working person, I’d be trying to do something productive in the meantime but I’m just going to keep waiting because I don’t feel like working very hard at the moment.
Last night, I went out with Justin and a bunch of his friends. Not sure if anyone remembers Justin, I’ve mentioned him in previous blog entries and podcasts and stuff. Not really important who he is though, you only need to know that he’s a good friend. I’m not sure if I simply never noticed it in my first couple years being his friend, but the past couple years he’s been horrible at making plans and cancels them a lot. It’s at a point right now that if I have plans with Justin, I cannot tell my parents about it until the moment I leave the house. That’s also because I have shitty parents. If I end up not going out after telling them about it, my mom would keep asking stupid questions over and over again, and asking it as if I was the rude person cancelling the plans. My dad, on the other hand, would just laugh at my face for being cancelled on.
The plan is to go to a casino but we went to Jack Astor’s before that. When we were half way through eating, one of the friends randomly offered to pay a dollar to Justin if he drank the hot dipping sauce. It was just a random dare, no one was particular into it, hence the small wager. As a cheap person willing to be reckless with my life, the offer piqued my interest and I told them I’d do it for $3. We asked around the table to see who else wants to pitch in a dollar. I knew the whole thing wasn’t particularly interesting so I didn’t force anyone who wasn’t interested. We got it up to $5 so I did it. I drank it like a shot and it actually actually pretty easy. I feel bad for them because I wasn’t more of an entertainment. It didn’t taste good and most people would probably make a disgusted face as they swallow it and that’s what the money’s for but I didn’t make any faces. I almost felt like I ripped them off but I didn’t feel bad about it since it wasn’t even enough money to pay my share of the bill.
That’s pretty much it. I guess now I know I can drink hot sauce for practically no money. We went to a casino after and everyone lost money. Justin and some of the others have had really good winnings at the casino before but not last night. I didn’t play because I get turned off by the house edge, understanding probability and that the casino will always win in the end. I don’t gamble, but apparently I have no problem gambling my health with the hot sauce. It’s pretty mild but I can still feel it a little in my chest and ass right now.
This time I’m drinking completely alone and in the afternoon. Signs of alcoholism? Maybe. The thing is though, I’m not an aggressive drunk. I’m also much more sociable when I’m drunk. I’m normally pretty annoyed and short with my parents but when I’m drunk, I’m a bit more chatty with them. Alcoholism is obviously a bad thing in the long term. But in the short term, it might actually be a good thing for me. We’ll see. Realistically, I’m probably developing a problem right now, lol. Feel free to reach out to me. I could use the extra human contact.
I don’t know why but I seem to talk about masturbation a lot when I talk to Justin. (Everytime I write that sentence, I have to because not to accidentally write “masturbating with Justin”.) We also talked about a bunch of other things like parents and aliens (separate topics, not alien parents though that might be interesting).
First podcast with my brother and it’s over 3 hours long. I start off pretty shitty and rude. I always find that I sound rude when I re-listen to my own podcasts where I’m talking with someone. I cut people off so much, it’s not even funny anymore, lol. I bitch about my parents a lot but there’s a lot of other stuff we talked about during the 3 hours like crime and justice.
I’m about to perform the saddest masturbation ever. I feel like total shit right now. I don’t want to hate my parents, but every word that comes out of their mouths annoys the shit out of me, to the point that it manifests as physical pain. I haven’t seen my parents for a month and I don’t miss them one bit. However, I had to spend most of today with them as part of Chinese New Years to have dinner with some relatives. It was horrible. Today is the worst day I’ve had as far as I can remember – worse than yesterday when my uncle died; worse than dealing with retarded haters on the internet; worse than the day my mom nagged me at 2am until I walked out of the house in freezing weather in shorts and t-shirt because I needed to get out of the house and I stayed outside for hours.
Describing why my parents annoy me does not even begin to explain the fucked up situation. They bicker nonstop about the super retarded shit. Try to imagine the most retarded shit someone can bicker about, and they’re bickering about something much more retarded than that. You know the kind of bickering you see on TV that’s exaggerated for humor? They bicker much more than that. What is the most annoying sound you can imagine? If that sound was being played right in your face for hours on end and you have no way of turning it off, then you’ll get a fraction of the annoying experience I get with my parents.
I’m not even going to describe what happened when I yelled at my mom in the middle of the store when we were buying a suit for me to wear to the funeral. I hate having to get angry. I never get angry at anyone and never yell at anyone. If I don’t like someone, I stay away from them. I am a very peaceful person. My parents literally drive me crazy. I sound like a fucking teenage girl when I say that, but it’s true. I actually do retarded shit after being stuck with my parents. Prior to writing this blog, I’ve been hammering my head with my hands as hard as I could. Physical pain doesn’t “hurt” me, but I’m emotionally fucked up to the core. I’ve also been crying like a pussy for an hour now. Only one tear came out but my face is stuck in stupid crying positions. Being alive just feels so uncomfortable right now.
I know this whole thing sounds really stupid. I hate it all. I hate that I’m affected by such stupid shit. I don’t even know why the fuck I’m making these stupid crying faces. If somebody walks into the room right now, I know I can suppress all this shit. But with no one around, there’s no reason to hold it back. Because this is what happens when I don’t hold back, this must be what I’m truly feeling. What the fuck is it though? All I know is that it’s a clusterfuck of sadness.
During dinner, I was talking with my cousin’s husband about politics and cannabis and shit. Then he asked for my professional advice about building websites for a business he’s about to start. This isn’t some dumb college kid business idea where they just talk a bunch of shit. Dumb college kids either don’t follow through or their idea is shit. This guy is already involved in 2 profitable businesses and he wants me to help him out with this new one. I told him a bunch of website stuff and marketing strategies he could consider. Then my mom butts in and tells him we should eat more instead of talking so much. The guy tells her that I’m teaching him stuff and my mom calls bullshit on that and says if he wants to talk about video games, Ted will talk your ears off. What the fuck is that? It’s retarded and it’s not true. I’ve never talked to anyone about video games for more than a minute. There’s nothing to talk about. Isolated examples like these sound like I’m overreacting but you can’t judge until you have someone who never says anything good to you and every word they utter is annoying. And then there’s my dad. He’s the angriest asshole in the world and he tells me to curb my anger. He taunts me about it and laughs at me. I never respond to that because it’s pointless.
So here I am, feeling like shit and still making retarded crying faces. I feel so miserable right now. I’ve decided that I need to masturbate to feel a semblance of something good. I’m not in the mood at all but I need to do something about this sadness. This is going to be the saddest masturbation ever…
I skipped podcasting for a day to play some borderlands and then I’m hit with a mommy shit storm. That inspired a rant about my shitty relationship with my parents. This is a depressing one and it’s not even nearly as depressed as I get.
If you mention Ted (my name) and this podcast, you’ll get 10% off any service they provide from branding to logo design to website design to social media to mobile apps. Basically anything that’s online (which is everything), they can help you with it. The special deal right now is that they can host your personal website for $80 a year!
Fuck… I just woke up at 4am from a weird dream. Last night, in real life, my mom was being her usual kind-of-bitchy self and then in my dream, she hit her head and became dumber and slower. You can actually see her take a couple seconds to think and process every time she enters a room. In real life, she’s loud and dumb but in the dream, she became quiet after she hit her head and I actually felt really bad for her and gave her a hug. Then I woke up and my throat burns. I think I threw up a little during my sleep, that’s the kind of burn it feels like. When writing this, it almost a sounds like I threw up at the thought of caring for my mom.
I took a moment and thought about whether I should feel bad for the normal way I crappily treat my mom and decided that I have no need to change my behaviour because there’s no other way to react to her current bitchiness. At least now I know that I will actually care for my mom and my life will improve if she hits her head and becomes stupider.
…I don’t have time to finish this short blog before she just walked down the stairs and bitched at me again. You know what she’s bitching about? The fact that I’m awake, even though I’m supposed to drive her to work… Doesn’t make sense? Welcome to my world. This momentous dream feels like it completely changed the cynical way I’ve been thinking of my mom, but it doesn’t change anything. Nothing learned. Nothing to learn…