Lately I’ve been parading around the fact that I have a pretty small penis. On a number of occasions, people have tried to cheer me up by telling me to look up micro penises. I still have not looked up micro penis yet. First off, I don’t want to look at a penis, big or small. Secondly, what if it’s bigger than mine? I’m not really afraid of that but I still don’t want to look at any more penises than I have to, and I hope I never have to look at one.
My penis is pretty small. There’s no point denying it so I might as well make fun of it. I unfortunately don’t have many other ways to have fun with it. For the longest time, I had no idea how long (short) my dick was. I knew it wasn’t big, but I didn’t know if it was just smaller than average or if it was world record small. I’m not good at eyeballing lengths since I don’t measure things in inches and cm on a regular basis. As a digital artist, I can eyeball lengths in pixels but it would be terribly sad to measure my dick in pixels.
Having a small penis is undesirable for women and I wonder if I’m never going to get a chance to reproduce because of its unattractiveness. I sometimes blame my genetically small penis for not being able to get laid. However, I’m self-conscious enough to know that that is not a legitimate excuse. That would only be a legitimate excuse if girls constantly run away from me as soon as they see how small my penis is. That has never happened. I can’t even get to the point where a girl would see my penis which proves the illegitimacy of that excuse.
Another excuse I often use to not talk to girls is that bars and clubs are too loud and you can’t carry out a conversation in such environment. Once again, that is not a legitimate excuse. If it were true, I would be talking to girls in all other scenarios but I’ve had plenty of chances to talk to girls without loud music and I let each and every one of those opportunities slip away.
There’s a chance I may never get laid again. There’s a chance I’ll never get to reproduce. Natural selection is going to deselect me but it wouldn’t be because of my penis size. I simply suck at all areas of dating.
I made a funny video with a friend and it’s going to be uploaded within the next 24 hours. I’ll post again when that happens.
When I was thinking of a title for this post, I wondered if calling my video funny is arrogant. Funniness is subjective so I can’t really tell people what’s funny or not, can I? Yes I can. The video is objectively a “funny video”. It may not match your sense of humor and you might not laugh at it, but if you can’t recognize that it’s supposed to be a funny video, then there’s something wrong with you. I don’t know if this makes it sound worse because there exists videos that are really unfunny that are “supposed” to be funny.
I’ve been around long enough to know I’m pretty funny. I’m probably not hilarious, but I’m definitely at least funny. Sure I’ll tell bad jokes here and there but a good portion of what I intend to be funny, is funny to many people. It’s really uncomfortable to be around people who are truly unfunny but they think they’re funny. How can someone understand so little about humor? It’s so sad sometimes that it really bums me out. Maybe this will better illustrate what I’m trying to say: Most people aren’t so hilarious that I can’t resist laughing, but it’s polite to laugh and they’re funny enough that it’s easy to politely laugh. Some people are so unfunny that I feel uncomfortable laughing politely for them. It’s not that I’m judging their humor, but it’s so unfunny that I almost think they’re deliberately trying to be unfunny, in which case, laughing would not be the appropriate reaction for me to make. But then they proceed to smile, pause, and wait for a reaction as if they did say something funny.
Maybe that’s just me overthinking things. I know that when I’m drunk and not thinking and didn’t catch what the other person is saying but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t funny, I just laugh and I don’t feel uncomfortable about it at all.
I’ve been thinking about doing some stand up comedy again so I recently revisited my notes. I could probably write a blog entry on a lot of those. I should do that some time. I just wrote a chunk and I’ll wrap up this entry by pasting it here:
It’s impossible to not feel embarrassed when someone walks in on you while you’re wiping shit off your ass with pants around your ankles. Actually I can take away the wiping shit part. Having pants around your ankle is such an embarrassing state, for so many reasons. First off, your range of motion is inhibited and you’re forced to waddle if you try to walk. Then, your penis is showing. It doesn’t matter what state it’s in, it’s embarrassing. If it’s flaccid, then it’s tiny which is… such a sad sight to see. If it’s erect, then it brings up the question of why it’s erect. I guess it’s not as embarrassing for guys who have those large flaccid hanging dicks. Admittedly, I haven’t seen that many dicks in my life but I have yet to see a large flaccid hanging dick. Until I see one, I don’t actually know if they exist. They’re like mythical creatures to me at this point. For girls, it’s also embarrassing for their naked crotch to be seen. I’m not saying they shouldn’t be embarrassed, but shouldn’t it be less embarrassing because there’s literally nothing there? There’s pubic hair but why should that be more embarrassing than any other body hair? A penis is a weird thing sticking out but a girl’s crotch isn’t really revealing anything unless you look under her. Does it just sound like I don’t understand the human anatomy? I don’t need to see hanging dicks but if any girls want to enlighten me with what the female crotch looks like, I gladly welcome it.
Jcckeith suggested I write an entry about dreams. In preparation for that, I searched my blog on everything I’ve written about dreams and read those entries. I gotta say, I enjoyed reading it more than I thought I would and had a few good laughs. I used to make a lot of jokes around the fact that I was a virgin and it made me think that I was funnier when I was a virgin. It makes me wish I was a virgin again if that somehow made me funnier.
… I’ve been getting some texts that I’m not happy to see so I’m a little bummed out right now…. I’ll try to wrap up this entry with a dream story. Not sure if it’ll be any good though…
It’s hard to remember old dreams in detail. There’s only one I remember at the moment so I’m going to write about that. In the dream, I was in a gym locker room with a bunch of naked guys and I started looking at their penises and was happy that mine wasn’t the smallest. I’ve never done that in real life and if I did, I might not see the same results. Until that dream, I’ve never dreamt of penises. Don’t try to suggest something’s there. It was nothing. This dream happened the day before I went on a first “date” with a girl. It wasn’t really a date but let’s just call it that for convenience sake. Telling the dream wasn’t as funny as I thought it’d be. It didn’t fall flat, but it was definitely more weird than funny. Nothing ever happened with that girl. I’m pretty sure my penis dream story wasn’t the reason for that, but it certainly didn’t help.
This is a detailed account of the night (tonight) I lost my virginity. I haven’t felt like doing anything lately and haven’t been blogging either but my friend paid me to write this. I’m getting paid to write about getting laid, not for getting laid, in case there’s still misunderstanding because I purposely misled you. I still had to pay for the hooker. I actually had to pay the hooker more than I’m getting paid so I just got a discount to lose my virginity. By now, you should be aware that this isn’t a sexy story. If you must, go somewhere else to masturbate because this story is kind of a boner killer.
At around 6 pm, my friend (the one who’s paying me to write this) told me that he and his hooker-savvy friend is going out for massage and sex and asked if I was interested in coming. Given my lack of will to pursue any work or entertainment, I figured I’ll go out to get laid if my friend is driving and paying for it. I’m a cheap guy and I like to make the most of my money. If possible, I want to make the most out of the transaction, finishing as many times as I can. Apparently, the pro-whore friend told me that 30 minutes means finishing once and doesn’t actually go by the time. It’s kind of tricky because prostitution is probably illegal so you kind of have to adapt their euphemisms and can’t get clearly defined rules. I still would’ve asked and see if I can get a full 30 minutes and I would just ask them explicitly when we start because I’d already be naked by that point so there’s no need to beat around bushes anymore. I know I can historically finish quickly so I would’ve wanted to at least ask for a 5 minute warranty. The other thing is that I still kind of want to go to prison so getting caught by cops would actually have been far from the worst case scenario.
The plan for the night is as follows: first, my 2 friends want to get a regular massage, hopefully with happy endings or more, and then we visit the straight up full service place. If the first place turns out to provide full service, then they’ll let me know and I can purchase my services there as well. The first place had two decent ladies but I would’ve hoped for even better ones. We didn’t know what we were in for so only one of my friends went in first. The other guy and I went to grab some food while we waited. I’m cheap so I actually didn’t purchase any food. The friend offered me some of his fries so I ate some. This guy was actually a friend of the other friend so we didn’t know each other too well and I just filled the time with my usual depressing talks. I pretty much covered anything you would read from the blog except I was more depressing and less funny. I can’t imagined my moping was good especially on a night he’s planning to get laid. He probably felt bad and offering fries was the least he could do.
After a while, the massaged friend called to pick him up and he informed us that they offered happy endings. This piqued the interest of the other friend and he decided to go in for the service too. I didn’t go because I wanted full service. If I’m losing my virginity, I’d like to do it right, as much as money can buy, at a reasonable price. At this point, they agreed that they were still taking me to the other place after both their happy endings so I didn’t mind waiting. I’ve already waited 23 years so a couple more hours wasn’t going to hurt me.
Now I went to get food with this friend. We went to KFC and again, I didn’t buy anything. He bought a little combo meal and gave me the chicken drumstick. We mostly joked about happy endings and condoms, you know, typical dinner talk for guys. Afterwards, we went to Baskin Robins to get some ice cream. I didn’t want to pay for anything but my friend insisted to buy me some. I’ve been spending a lot of time writing about food and given that I’m most notoriously known for my shit stories, I’m going to disappoint you right now and let you know that this doesn’t lead to a nasty diarrhea sex story.
After waiting around for a while, the other friend finally finished and now we head towards the real climax of the evening. It was a disappointing climax but I used that word just for the double entendre. This new location is an apartment complex and the lobby smelled bad. The odor was made nastier because we all had cum on our minds. At this point, I wasn’t nervous or anything. I hadn’t put much thought in this whole thing since I haven’t been thinking about anything at all for the past year or so. I’m not even sure if my brain is capable of thoughts anymore since I’ve been letting it rot for so long. My friends told me that I need to follow through with this and I just said sure. I didn’t really care. As long as the girls weren’t ugly, I didn’t plan to chicken out. If I’m going to pain my cheap mind to spend money, even if it’s my friend’s money, I expect a certain quality.
When we finally got in the room, I was immediately disappointed. They weren’t terrible looking, but they were definitely less than I expected. They were definitely worse than the ones in the first locations so there was an added sense of regret. When I was in the car, I was wondering whether I’d pick a prettier face with no boobs or a lesser face with better boobs. That didn’t matter anymore because I didn’t have any options and the only 2 I could choose from were both mediocre looking with decent boobs. When we arrived, I didn’t talk but I was slowly trying to back out of it because we all knew they weren’t lookers. But then my friends went right ahead of ordered one up for me despite my hesitation. I didn’t want to be a party pooper and since I wasn’t paying, I complied, but I wasn’t excited at all.
The place was pretty hush-hush and everybody spoke with indoor voice. I wasn’t crazy about the fact that they barely speak English but that’s not exactly a deal breaker for what I’m doing. I was led into a room and the woman asked if I speak Chinese. I told her that I speak Cantonese and it was as though she didn’t know what Cantonese was. She asked the same question a few more times, in English and in Mandarin, and I kept giving her the same answer and added that I was from Hong Kong. She didn’t get it but whatever, we just proceeded. She told me to start and I declared that I was putting on a condom and she shushed me. I said it slightly loud by accident but I wasn’t screaming it or anything and it felt weird to be shushed. The whore-philliac friend had advised me to try to hold out longer but when it was all about to start, I didn’t really have anything in mind. I didn’t try to finish quick or slow, I just went with it.
As a Chinese guy, my dick is pretty small already and because I wasn’t excited, I was completely flaccid and it was as tiny a knob as it’s ever been. I’ve never shaved that area so it was practically camouflaged in the bushes. Like most people, I try to make jokes to ease awkwardness so I outright joked and said “It’s small, isn’t it?” I have no idea if she heard or understood because of her poor English but it wasn’t important. When I took off my shirt, she “ooo”-ed and rubbed my chest. I don’t know if it was purely an act or if she was excited because I was actually kind of built or if she thought it was funny that I was hairless. Earlier, my friend told me about freely touching boobs because he knew my taste and knew that I would’ve wanted to know that. So I only hesitated a little as I reached for the boobs because that’s the only attraction at that point. In my years of virginity, I had already thought of the possibility that boob-touching is overhyped and that was definitely the case tonight. It just felt like oval flesh. It wasn’t particularly exciting. It was fine. It didn’t get me hard and I was planning to play with them a bit but she kind of brushed my arm off after a couple squeezes and told me to lie down. I guess she just wanted to get right to my dick so she can get rid of me sooner. I lied down and reached for a boob and she kinda pushed it away again and told me she was going to suck my dick. I guess she pushed my hand away to get into sucking position. She sucked for a bit and my dick rose steadily. Once it was up, I didn’t know how quickly I would finish so I stopped her and asked for pussy. It was pretty awkward asking for pussy and not knowing if she understood me or not. I didn’t know where to start so I just let her lead. We switched to her lying down and because I was awkwardly on top of her, I couldn’t really reach for boob anymore. If it isn’t clear already, I’m kinda obsessed with boobs.
I didn’t wait for my dick to get fully hard so it was pretty difficult to shove such a small object into its destination. I didn’t really care about my small dick but the most disappointing part was that I couldn’t feel anything because of the condom. I was very disappointed in sex. I give myself a way better handjob. I didn’t know how to get into fucking positions and ours parts didn’t seem to fit together. When I tried to get on the bed, she pointed at me feet and said “No toes.” I don’t know how I was supposed to fuck her without my feet on the bed. I’ve never fucked so my pelvic muscle wasn’t strong. Not only that, but I don’t have a big range of motion to work with because of my short dick. My dick is probably proportional to my height, average-ish, but it didn’t help that it wasn’t even at its full length. If that’s not bad enough already, I also had to take a break after my first thrust because I pulled my hamstring right away. This sex thing wasn’t working and we switched position several times. None of the positions seem to work. I forgot to mention that I kind of needed to pee before we started so when she was bouncing on top, my bladder felt a lot more than my dick did. Whenever I had a free hand, I tried to reach for a boob and she keeps brushing it off after a short while. I don’t know what the deal is. Much like a fly, she’d let me go at it shortly to see if I would move away myself I guess. She didn’t react greatly to it either. It was just weird. Finally, she offered to finish with her hands and I just said sure. She only went at it for a little while and she already seemed tired and disgruntled with her hands. Disappointing. I could’ve done a better job myself. The rest is history.
Prior to tonight, I actually feared that I might enjoy sex too much and be forced to get a job to finance this obsession. Instead, my depression and lack of motivation to live just got reaffirmed. Not a great night. The fast food I had with my friends was way better than the sex. It was un-noteworthy but it still wouldn’t have been a bad night if it wasn’t for the fact that I left something in my friend’s car. I had to drive 30 minutes to my friend’s house to pick it back up. Now it’s just a waste of time and money. I would’ve been better off spending that money on Tales of Xillia for the PS3 that came out last month. Yes, I think about video games more than sex. What a nerd I am.