I had some time and wanted to squeeze an episode in. I can’t tell if I’m getting better or worse at podcasting lol. I also talked about thoughts on murder, rape, and incest… you know… stuff I always talk about…
I want to preface this by warning you that this is basically an incomplete joke. I like the idea of the joke but I don’t think I wrote it properly for it to be funny. This is the second time in a row that I’m prefacing my blog. I hope I don’t get used to prefacing my writing to excuse myself from writing it well enough to be self-explanatory.
I’m terrible with girls and it’s mostly because I’m too passive so I never say or do anything. I exercise too much restraint when interacting with them to the point where I might as well be a rock. That’s one of the main reasons I’ll never get a girlfriend. Some girls might say that I would be more fun if I just loosen up and do what I want instead of overthinking things. Well, they’re wrong. If I just follow my basic desires, someone would get raped. And by “someone”, I mean me, because I would be in prison for having committed a crime, because it’s a crime to rape some poor girl. And by poor, I mean unfortunate. I don’t think I would exclusively rape a girl for having no money.
I had a preface so I might as well include some closing words. The main joke I wanted to test out is to make the reader think the person is suggesting that he raped someone… or maybe he didn’t… oh wait, he did… I wanted to deliver these two twists within the span of one sentence. I don’t think it worked and I don’t think I explained it very well either.
These sketch idea entries are going to be brief. Although each idea can be expanded greatly, I will not be doing any expansions. These ideas will be so great that anyone would be able to think up multiple hilarious scenarios spawning from the premise.
You know the saying “good cop, bad cop”? Well, I’m here to say “good cop, black cop”. That’s all I’m going to say for this one.
This next sketch is an authority figure handing out rape whistles but then he runs out of whistles so he hands a party blower as a replacement. There’s such a sweet ironic imagery because both items technically function the same way but the tone they present is so different.
The anonymous person who gave me this topic suggested that I would be funny for a topic like this. That’s a lot of pressure. Things don’t always have to be funny so don’t be surprised if this entry turns out to be less funny than you expect. This then begs the question: If Ted’s not going to be funny, why the fuck is he writing this and wasting everyone’s time? Sorry, I don’t have an answer for that. Maybe it’ll turn out okay though? We’ll see.
The quick answer is that I like boobs. If that’s all you wanted to know, you can stop reading now since the rest of this will only be tangentially related to the topic. There shouldn’t be a single person who stopped reading. Who the fuck actually cares whether I like butts or boobs and stops reading once they find out? Anyway, I shall stop myself from getting angry at imaginary people.
Butts and boobs are like apples and oranges. A sweet butt is better than nasty boobs and vice versa. And like fruit, I’d rather have no apples than bad rotten apples. Logically, boobs should be the preferable choice for most men. Boobs are what differentiates women from men the most. All men have butts too so it’s not as special. Hmm… I can imagine butt enthusiasts would argue than female butts are different than men’s. I have never observed a male butt carefully enough to confirm that but I assume it’s true. However, boobs are still more different. The best man-boobs in the worst can’t compare to real boobs but I’m sure the best men butts would be comparable to a woman’s.
It’s also interesting that the labia is not part of the equation. Sexually, that should be the body part we’re most attracted to but it isn’t. I’m happy to go on record and say that the labia is practically repulsive. No one should be offended by this statement. If you’re a woman and you’ve read this far, then you’re pretty much looking to get offended in which case, you’ve come to the right place. Please read on. …Actually, I think I’ve run out of things to write about. Just so I don’t disappoint you, I shall now state something overly offensive just for the sake of being offensive. I know how we can eliminate 100% of all rape crime. Every time you get raped, all you have to do is consent and then it’s not rape anymore. So simple. You have the power to prevent yourself from ever getting raped. Isn’t it such a mystery that a problem solver like me is still single?
As amazing as the human body is, it is also an undeniable fact that we are very flawed beings. Therefore, it is no surprise that many things created by these flaw beings are flawed products, especially for something as vague as language. I am writing this post to discuss the semantics of being open-minded.
I’ve mentioned the whole prison business before but if you don’t know about that, you can catch up here: http://www.youtube.com/user/talkprison To sum it up in one line, I might be voluntarily going to a prison. If it sounds crazy to you, maybe it is. But who are you to judge? Fuck you. (My antagonizing seems to have carried over from the last entry…)
In the context of religion, a religious person might try to tell an atheist to be more open-minded to their theism. I’m an atheist and I consider myself very open-minded. I have many religious friends and they tell me to go to their church events from time to time. I go to quite a lot of these, especially lately because I don’t feel like doing shit. Normally, not doing shit isn’t a reason to go to church but I’m just too lazy to fight them off verbally. I always make sure to include the disclaimer that I’m super lazy and the religious crap won’t have any effect on me. I don’t know why that’s not a turn-off for them.
Having an open mind becomes an evidently flawed concept with my recent exploration of religion and prison-phillia. To the religious people, nothing short of believing their faith would be considered open-minded. But I’m there and if a deity can really speak to me, how is he so weak that he can’t overcome my “denial” of him. Just because I’m supposed to have an open mind, it doesn’t mean I’ll start deluding myself and imagine signs from said deity. And you know what? I’m probably one of the most open-minded people in the world. I am positively a heterosexual male who can’t even stand to see a dick in the porn I watch. However, with many things considered (which I won’t go into right now), even though I’m pretty sure I won’t enjoy getting raped in prison, I keep my mind wide open to the possibility that getting raped might not be that bad. I’d wager few people can beat this level of open-mindedness. Some readers might conclude that what I just described isn’t open-mindedness but is instead, just a mask for being a closet faggot. Semantics.