Persistent Preoccupying Ponders

Here I go with the words again. The first one is preimport. … I don’t know what I’m doing with these words. I don’t really feel like blogging right now and I was going to just blaze through the 5 words, get snippy with them and just post a short little entry like that. But then I remember my post a couple hours ago about half-assing stuff and I don’t want to seem like a bullshitter so I’m going to try to suck it up and write a half decent entry on these words. Preimporting should be when one anticipates that something needs to be imported, and they import it ahead of time. This term can only be used relatively. When the guy is preimporting something, during the the act, he’s just importing. If you tell someone you’re preimporting something, it’s like you’re begging them to ask you what you’re preimporting it for. When I feel like a stranger wants me to ask them something, I sometimes make an effort not to ask it. Just now, I was trying to think about why I do that and I can’t think of a reason that doesn’t make me sound like a dick.

 

Next word is brackened. A bracken is a large fern so being brackened would be being covered with a large fern I guess? Ferns make me think of Between Two Ferns. In the definition, it says that a brake means fern but when I look up brake, I only get the definition we’re all familiar with – the car brakes. This confuses me. I’ve been confused all day. There’s this girl and I thought we were having a great time together but then she suddenly doesn’t want to see me at all and doesn’t give me a good reason for it. She doesn’t owe me a reason but I really have no idea what went wrong. At the end of the day, I guess if she doesn’t want to see me, there’s no point in trying to get a reason out of her. I’m going to do my best not to relate every word back to this but maybe that’s what’s going to happen. I don’t know yet.

 

Next word is incriminate. Incriminate, that reminds me of when I told the girl that… – just kidding, I’m not actually bringing it back to that. The first thing that comes to mind is Charlie Day’s character in Horrible Bosses. The character is a registered sex offender because he peed in a school yard while there were kids there. When I first met the girl, we watched Horrible Bosses 1 and Horrible Bosses 2 together so I guess every word is reminding me of her after all. I don’t think I should keep mentioning her. I think maybe one of the reasons she doesn’t want to see me is because I’m too obsessive. I sort of am, but sort of not. I’d like to think I’m obsessive in a good way, because I’m willing to give it my all. I don’t think I’m obsessive in the bad way because I don’t expect full reciprocation and I don’t get angry.

 

Anyway, moving on, the next word is deficiently. Well, how can I not relate that to all this girl talk? lol. Let me broaden it some more. I feel like I exist deficiently. I really don’t get it. I’m pretty sure I perform great and I feel like people have a great time with me but no one really feels like they need to see me again. Are they all just pretending to have a good time when I’m around? Am I really so unneeded by everyone? No matter what the explanation is, there seems to be something missing, something deficient. …I’m staring at the soda and snacks on my desk and it occurred to me that I’m probably pretty nutrient deficient too.

 

Last word is hayward. That’s an old term used to describe a man who was in charge of fences and enclosures. That word reminds me of a song in Rock Band called Wayward Son or something. I don’t really know what wayward means… let me look it up. … I thought that word meant lost or missing a sense of direction but it turns out that it means uncontrollable pervert. It’s weird when words mean something totally different than what I expect. I may have accidentally described myself as wayward in the past, lol…

Email Transcript: Sigh…

I just sent an email to my friend Justin. I figured I’ll post it here too. I remember saying I didn’t want to be a bummer but I guess I’m just feeling extra shitty today.

 

You gotta appreciate what you have more man. So I spent the past month or so talking to various girls and none of them panned out at all. I just went for a walk with the girl that lives on my street and basically she just doesn’t like me. Apparently I’m too wild. wtf, seriously? lol. She didn’t say it so conclusively but it’s basically done. Then, after Laura hasn’t replied to a couple messages i sent her for a whole month, she replies saying she was busy with assignments. Like seriously, you can’t be so busy that you couldn’t have told me you were busy earlier. It’s simply an utter lack of respect from everyone. Sadly enough, as shitty as Laura is, if given the chance, I’ll probably go back. I’ve got no other options.

 

There are lots of things different about our lives, especially at this point, and I partially blame environmental conditions for my life’s shittiness. It’s not that I’ve been given conditions so shitty that they can’t be overcomed, but they’re definitely shittier. Think about everything you’ve got. As hard as it was for you to start clubbing, imagine having to make an extra 30 mins commitment per trip on transportation. Same thing with school. As hard as it was to go through it, imagine going through an extra hour of commute or having to work like crazy to have money to drive and park. Eldoled is kind of the reverse where you had to drive 30 mins which you didn’t have to drive if you lived where I lived but if you had my life, you wouldn’t have had the dad to connect you to that job to begin with.

 

Once again, it’s not like I had it so hard that the obstacles couldn’t be overcome but if we compare us 2 where we shared similar paths at one point, I was given shittier conditions at every step of the way. I’m so tired of this stupid life… Maybe I’ve feeling shittier because I’m off my meds now but there are also plenty of shitty external stimuli. I’ve already learned to not take a single word my family says seriously. My brother arranged to play board games with me during the day and he was out of the house the whole day without even a word. It’s one thing to not have anything, but it’s worse to constantly have people blatantly lie about doing stuff and showing complete no need to respect my feelings whatsoever. If I let myself feel more feelings, how could it be any better. I could go into more detail but whatever, there’s no point. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck shit.

I’m feeling the most grim

even though I’m now trim.

I worked my ass off,

literally fat ass weight came off.

From people I feel no affection.

All I feel is defection.

Why the fuck am I rhyming?

It’s not like it’s ever good timing.

Why do people insist I live

when they don’t want the things I give.

Life’s bad with lots of trouble.

I’m sad with mood that don’t uphold.

To me, people are so unappreciative.

Or maybe I’m not taking enough initiative.

Whether the problem lies outward or inward,

matter not because either way I’ve been hurt.

Would I be strong to endure the pain?

Or just a dumb dong with nothing to gain.

There’s nothing left for me to enjoy.

No wish, no dream, no toy.

Well, I do want love: unconditional.

Though that term’s definition: null.

Conditions exist, however inane,

like for me not to be insane.

But that kind of love cannot be attained

because my motivation has been detained.

I am but a speck in a population.

No one to seek me for interrelation.

To stand out,

without a doubt,

I would need to bullshit and pretend

like people with full shit in their hand.

Their gestures seem gracious and appealing.

like desk chairs that are spacious with soft filling.

But over time the truth will come out.

Things wear out and smell like trout.

Half these rhymes might make no sense.

That’s a sign I might be dense.

Dating, falsely charming, I will not participate.

Decaying, slowly dying, I have to anticipate.

I want people who wants me to be there.

Otherwise, suicide prevention is not fair.

Sad. Funny. Truthful. Podcast Episode 52 – Jason – Bunch of Stuff, Depression, JRE

Another long podcast with Jason. This, along with the previous 2 episodes were all recorded on the same day. We talked for more than 7 hours!

Dropbox: https://www.dropbox.com/sm/create/SFTpodcast/SFT-0052-Jason-Bunch_of_Stuff%2CDepression%2CJRE.mp3

Youtube: http://youtu.be/_kfOn-lhkOM

If the above link doesn’t work, you should always check here (https://tedgaming.wordpress.com/2013/10/15/where-to-download-sad-funny-truthful-podcast/) for the updated links to download the podcast. I will also provide the link to download all the episodes there and it might even have newer and better links.

Sponsor:

koncepp.com

Web hosting starting at $5 a month. You might get more discount if you mention this podcast. I don’t know. I don’t really care anymore lol.

Sad. Funny. Truthful. Podcast Episode 51 – Comfort And Evolution With Jason

I talk to Jason about comfort and evolution. We talked a lot of evolution. I also clumsily explained my knowledge of the known universe and the big bang theory.

Dropbox: https://www.dropbox.com/sm/create/SFTpodcast/SFT-0051-Comfort_And_Evolution_With_Jason.mp3

Youtube: http://youtu.be/S88-GAc50iw

If the above link doesn’t work, you should always check here (https://tedgaming.wordpress.com/2013/10/15/where-to-download-sad-funny-truthful-podcast/) for the updated links to download the podcast. I will also provide the link to download all the episodes there and it might even have newer and better links.

Sponsor:

koncepp.com

Web hosting starting at $5 a month. You might get more discount if you mention this podcast. I don’t know. I don’t really care anymore lol.

 

 

 

Sad. Funny. Truthful. Podcast Episode 50 – Jason, Cigar, Drugs, Money

I talk with Jason about a bunch of stuff including the things I listed in the title.

Dropbox: https://www.dropbox.com/sm/create/SFTpodcast/SFT-0050-Jason_Cigars_Drugs_Money.mp3

Youtube: http://youtu.be/jjnqEG951ac

If the above link doesn’t work, you should always check here (https://tedgaming.wordpress.com/2013/10/15/where-to-download-sad-funny-truthful-podcast/) for the updated links to download the podcast. I will also provide the link to download all the episodes there and it might even have newer and better links.

Sponsor:

koncepp.com

Web hosting starting at $5 a month. You might get more discount if you mention this podcast. I don’t know. I don’t really care anymore lol.