Perpetual Self Improvement

Some of you might wonder: How does Ted do it? How can he write so much and be so funny all the time? Nobody’s ever actually said that to me but I will accept your silent agreements. If nothing else, just let me masturbate my ego on my path to becoming a truly masturbatory being.

 Forget those fake sexy pose. This is what true masturbation looks like.


Forget those fake sexy pose. This is what true masturbation looks like.

I’m able to push myself to greater limits because I’m my own biggest fan AND harshest critic. I am constantly beating myself up for coming up with bad jokes so I have to try harder to impress myself. By the end of the day, I’m usually pretty happy with what I’ve done. I am constantly reading and re-reading my own work.

Me too! I've been reading this book forever. You'll never catch me doing anything else. And I wrote this book myself! Too bad I don't know how to write so I'm actually just staring at a blank page.

Me too! I’ve been reading this book forever. You’ll never catch me doing anything else. And I wrote this book myself! Too bad I don’t know how to write so I’m actually just staring at a blank page.

Then a day passes. I look back at what I’ve done yesterday and it’s never enough. I also hate repetition so I have to constantly come up with new and better jokes. This will happen indefinitely until I become the most famous comedian in the world, or if my parents finally kick out of the house for being unemployed and on the computer all day.

So I'm not the only one who's unemployed and on the computer all day. I can't even afford furniture, Lol.

So I’m not the only one who’s unemployed and on the computer all day. I can’t even afford furniture, Lol.

With all that said and done, it might not actually be wise to take this as advice because I broke every rule I just stated. I reused an old joke and this isn’t even as funny as the last few things I wrote.

What? I shouldn't be listening to Ted? But he told me to enlarge my breasts so that I get more out of doing push ups. Was that just a ruse so he can see bigger boobs?

What? I shouldn’t be listening to Ted? But he told me to enlarge my breasts so that I get more out of doing push ups. Was that just a ruse so he can see bigger boobs?

Shit Stories Part XII

There are some words that just sound funny together, like anal leakage. Unfortunately, I don’t actually have a story about that. The closest thing I can think of is still just hypothetical. In Shit Stories Part V, I mentioned that I had wiped some blood from my asshole. I haven’t wiped any more blood since, but if I did, then I would’ve needed to consider using tampons.

I'm high as a kite and have no idea wtf I just read.

I’m high as a kite and have no idea wtf I just read.

The only productive thing I’ve been doing all week is writing these shit stories and this isn’t even productive at all. It’s sad that I actually fantasized about getting laid from these shit stories. There’s 0% chance of that happening and it’s still the closest I’ve ever been to getting laid.

Ted knows as little about sex as we do about basketball.

Ted knows as little about sex as we do about basketball.

There wasn’t really much of a shit story this time. I just wanted to use some more of these pictures since I spent so much time downloading them. Anyway, it’s past midnight and my whole family’s asleep so I shall proceed to use this freedom to entertain myself, feel shitty for several minutes, then entertain myself again.

That's how Ted's going to look when he's waiting his several minutes.

That’s how Ted’s going to look when he’s waiting his several minutes.