My Life’s Paradoxes Part I

When I wrote about my dumbassery (part one), I mentioned that there was another topic I wanted to write about and this is it, coming to you several days later. I had a few ideas but I had not written them because I couldn’t find the best words to write them in. I still haven’t found the words yet but I’m going to write it out anyway since I’m trying to kill some time. I have too much time this morning because I woke up at 5am to the sound of fuckin birds. Fuckin birds… (It’s times like these that the distinction between fuckin and fucking actually matters.) I’ve already masturbated so I shall proceed with my mental masturbation, blogging. I am a truly masturbatory being.

Lately, I’ve been blogging a lot more than usual and it might seem like I’m opening up more. But in actuality, I’m getting more secluded because of the blog. When my friends ask me how I’ve been, I just want to refer them to the blog because I already wrote about it but my friends don’t like reading so it pretty much just ends all conversations. And what do I get in return? I’m writing for an audience of 17 people, probably only 5 of which will actually read my new posts, and these people aren’t even part of my life. Sorry reader, I have a tendency to antagonize you.

Being depressed and suicidal makes me not want nor need anything. I don’t need to hang out with friends cause they can’t cheer me up. I don’t need luxury items because they’re just wasted on me. I don’t even need to eat most of the time because I don’t need to live. Do I need to live? I didn’t think so. It took me awhile to realize that I actually do need to live, but only because of the definition of the word “need”. A necessity or need is something that is required to live. So by definition, I do need to live; I just don’t want to. It would be like saying blue jeans aren’t blue. Yeah, I know, semantics can be a mind fucker.

Ever since I wrote the entry on my sexuality, I’ve thought about it some more. I find that I’m attracted to lesbians more than straight girls. But of course, I’m attracted to the girly lesbians and not the butch ones. I’m like a butch lesbian… so butch that I even have a penis. There ought to be a term for a heterosexual who’s attracted specifically to homosexuals of the opposite gender. Oh I know, it’s called retardation.

…”Retardation” is the punchline but I’m not too fond of it. I couldn’t think of a better term that’s concise and funny. Other terms I’ve thought up include: self-defeating sexual retardation, fucktard, retardedsexuality, and he-s-retard-ed-sexuality. If you can think of a better one, write a comment for it. I don’t have any prizes to give but I can approve of your wit and humor. It’s sad how my two cents is literally worth less than two pennies.


My Sexuality

I have thought about this a lot and I think it’s time to share this with the 5 people who reads this blog. In the previous blog entry, I’ve made mention of observing men’s ass and being repulsed by labia. There’s also another previous entry titled “Erectile Misfunction”. Enough said there. This question has to have crossed everyone’s mind: Is Ted maybe gay?

As much as I like being called a faggot, I’m not gay unfortunately. Attraction is based on how a person’s mind is wired. Even if on a logical level, I might enjoy the company of men, I am also undeniably (sexually) attracted to women. The hair, the scent, the boobs… I love it all. …just not the labia. Oh I forgot to mention this in the previous entry but another reason boobs should be more attractive than butts is the proximity to shit. Anyway, I can’t say whether sexuality comes from nature or nurture or whatever-fuck-ture, at the end of the day, it’s not a conscious decision.

I do often wonder what would happen if I were gay. I’ve imagined what it would be like to be in a homosexual relationship with my buddies. Here’s another sign that I’m not gay, I think about how I cope with the gay sex to experience the rest of the non-sexual part of the relationship. If you’re reading this and you know me in real life, then I’ve probably imagined being in a gay relationship with you. Sorry, but the conclusion I arrived at should make this all okay, lol. The other fundamental flaw of my homosexual fantasies is that I fantasize being with straight men. But it has to be straight men though because I hate gay men. No, I’m not being homophobic because I hate all people. I just hate gay men a little more. I guess that makes me a little homophobic. Sure, I can accept that easy enough, it’s the rest of the world that has to deal with it.