Hospital Blog: Let Down By Friend Again

Before I write about the friend, let me do a little hospital update. A new woman got pushed in to occupy the spot next to me. She looks like an old person who looks good for her age. Or maybe she looks old for her age. I wouldn’t know unless I actually know her age which I doubt I’ll find out. There’s not much that’s worth writing about other than the fact that I’m glad I’ve seen a prostitute so that the first boob I’ve ever seen is not the boob of a dying old woman. She was probably operated on recently because she’s naked under the blankets. She tells the nurse that her arm is numb and so I got to see 60% of her boob when they were looking at her arm. She maintained that level of exposure for a long time. I’m not proud to say that I glanced over many times to see if I could see more of the boob. Surprisingly, they were able to keep the nipple perfectly concealed during that entire time. This was not a proud night for me. It would’ve been embarrassing if someone caught me looking and told me to look away.

I feel like anything I say now will have no credibility because I just made myself out to be quite a pathetic perverted loser. Anyway, let me write about this friend that I mentioned in the title. My friendship with him is a bit of an odd one. I met him in high school, in grade 9, when we partnered up for a few science projects. We never chatted in school but we talked quite a bit when I was over at his house working on those projects. We seem like we’re friend-compatible but we never really became friends because neither of us were particularly looking for more friends.

That was pretty much the extent of our interaction in high school. After finishing high school, I got invited out to play soccer, basketball, and other sports quite often because I’m a sporty guy and not a douche and they could always use more players. I met this friend several times during these sport gatherings and we were friendly with each other, but there was no special connection or anything. Within the next 2 years, this guy invited me out to several 1-on-1 activities. We played basketball once, just the two of us. We also played tennis and did 5k runs together several times. I was invited to play Rock Band and other games with him on a number of occasions. I never initiate contact though. He does the inviting every time and I say yes to it every time.

I never thought anything of it but when I think back on those days, it almost seems like he’s making an effort to befriend me and I just go along with it, without putting in any effort of my own. One time, he even invited me to go swimming with him, just the two of us, at night, at his uncle’s condo. In retrospect, that almost sounds like a gay experience. There was nothing gay about it though. We never touched each other, not even accidentally or “accidentally”. I also knew that he had a girlfriend so it didn’t cross my mind that the whole thing might’ve seemed a little gay.

About a year ago, he invited me out to brunch, just the two of us. Okay, I made that sound gay on purpose. It wasn’t actually brunch. It was dim sum which is a Chinese meal between breakfast and lunch so it’s kind of like brunch except it doesn’t have any of the romantic connotations. Chinese restaurants are not romantic at all. I agreed to go at first but for one reason or another, I bailed out in the end. I don’t remember the detail, but it wasn’t a firm “date” and I already ate lunch by the time he contacted me that day. I also didn’t have a car that day. He didn’t offer to drive and I didn’t ask because it wasn’t like I really wanted to go anyway.

This past Saturday, I saw him posting on facebook, asking if anyone wanted to have dim sum with him on Sunday. No one responded and I know exactly how sucky it feels to post something on facebook that everyone ignores so I decided to reach out and ask if he wanted to go with me. He said sure, so I figured we had a “date”. I tried to set up a tentative time with him but he didn’t respond. He continued to not respond until Sunday evening when he said, “Sorry, I had dim sum with my girlfriend. We’ll go next time.”

Is it just me or was that pretty shitty of him? He should’ve at least had the decency to tell me if he was going to cancel instead of making me wait around all day. This is really starting to sound like some gay relationship drama. Not that he’s done this to me before (or at least not that I remember), but it seems all my friends have done this kind of shit to me. Not only do they cancel plans, they play these stupid bitch-hunting games where they don’t respond. Fuck this shit. I don’t need “friends” like these. Is it any wonder why I dislike people as much as I do? Everyone around me behaves so damn disrespectfully.

Shit Stories Part XIII: The Return of Black Diarrhea

I haven’t written a shit story for a while. Since I can only take so many shits a day, I have to reach the bottom of the shit barrel to find shit to write about. At long last, I present to you, a new shit story. Please excuse me if it’s more gross than funny but the sexy girls with captions should hopefully compensate for what my shits lack in humor.

B-but I don't want to be the face of a shit story...

B-but I don’t want to be the face of a shit story…

So I just had diarrhea, a blackish one I guess. If I didn’t have black diarrhea in my mind from writing the blog, I might not have called this one black. So anyway, I excreted it and flushed the toilet, just a normal black diarrhea routine.

Routine... as if it happens regularly like a shower... But what do I know about routines. I can't even remember to remove my underwear.

Routine… as if it happens regularly like a shower… But what do I know about routines. I can’t even remember to remove my underwear.

A few minutes passed and my brother entered the bathroom. I heard him yell “GROSS!”. I can only surmise that some of the black diarrhea had come back from the pipes. I should be ashamed, but instead, I laughed. I’m more ashamed for laughing than the shit itself.

Try smirking instead. You'll feel less shame.

Try smirking instead. You’ll feel less shame.

We don’t learn life lessons everyday so I should be thankful for learning one today. From now on, I shall always check to see if my shit flushes, especially if it’s (black) diarrhea. I hope you readers can learn from my shitty mistakes too.

What an education read! Next time I won't have to come to this colorful field to hide my diarrhea.

What an education read! Next time I won’t have to come to this colorful field to hide my diarrhea.