Shitting in Pants is a Blessing in Disguise

I’m writing this story right after shitting my pants. Correction: I’m writing this story right after cleaning myself for shitting my pants. I dealt with it very pragmatically, almost as if it was no big deal. If I were a regular pant-shitter, then shitting in my pants wouldn’t be a big deal. But I’m not a regular pant-shitter. I swear. Normally, it would be a big deal to shit my pants but I was able to react calmly because the conditions were just right: I was at the comfort of my home and there was no one around to ask me why I started smelling like shit all of a sudden.

Let me tell you how I shit my pants. Unfortunately, it’s not an amazing story. I was taking a piss and felt something that I was 100% sure it was a fart but when I let it out, some shit came out. Worse yet, it was was diarrhea shit. Sure, it was shocking at first but I didn’t let the shock faze me at all. I finished my piss, and then went to clean myself.

I’m sure I don’t need to convince anyone that shitting in your pants is a bad thing, but while I was cleaning my shit, I realized that it was a blessing in disguise. In fact, all pant-shitting events are blessings in disguise. You see, non-retarded humans learn from mistakes and shitting in my pants was definitely a mistake. The important thing is, I was able to learn from the experience. I now know that I should trust my farts a lot less. It truly is a blessing because from now on, I will be less prone to make the same mistake again. And there are ALWAYS worse situations to have shit in your pants. Shitting myself at home and learning the lesson could’ve prevented me from shitting myself in public. If one learned this lesson from a public experience, there can always be things to make it worse, like having done it on live TV or having the president around. And if that was already the case? Maybe you’ll lose your fingers one day and it’s easier to deal with shit with fully functional hands.

Ultimately, shitting my pants marks the worst case scenario for pant-shitting for me because I won’t make the same mistake again with worse conditions. The shit happened. I dealt with it. As bad as the situation may be, it’s over now. The peace of mind of knowing that life will get better after having shit myself makes life seem more positive.

Also, I normally wouldn’t study types of diarrhea, but cleaning it has taught me a few things about diarrhea that I never would’ve learned otherwise. However, I was exactly studying my shit, so that was kind of a missed opportunity for me. All I learned was that this particular shit was composed of tiny clumps and was not entirely liquid. Basically, I just learned that diarrhea doesn’t have to be all liquid and I am now familiar with how it looks when you spray water on it. Will this knowledge do me any good, ever? Probably not, but it doesn’t hurt to know.

Shit Stories Part II

Due to (singular) demand, I shall write the shit stories I have queued up in my head. Let me start with a disgusting little enigma I can’t quite figure out. When the seat is down, you know how there’s a gap between the rim and the seat? I wonder if there’s a word to describe that specific location. Anyway, when I have diarrhea, which is often, there is always somehow a shit splash under the seat in that gap I just described. When I wipe, my ass cheek is pretty clean but I don’t know how it always splashes so far to the sides like that. I’m not talking about fart diarrhea grenades here. Regular diarrhea still finds its way to that gap.

Gap.

Gap.

I guess I’m calling that area “the gap”. This gives a whole new meaning to people who wear shirts from the gap. The next story is a puberty classic about that gap. When I took shits as a child, I just sat down and did it. There was no need to worry about aiming because everything’s already pointing inside the bowl. But then puberty came and erections became more commonplace. When a guy sits down on a toilet with a full erection, he will clearly recognize that he needs to redirect his penis with all his might if he’s going to pee because he doesn’t want to pee in his own face. Then there are time when a guy will sport a semi and the penis seems like it’s in the bowl. But if he makes the mistake of peeing, there’s a specific angle that he’ll end up peeing right into the gap and urine will rapidly leak out of the toilet and he will panic while trying to stop urinating. That has happened to me exactly 5 times before I learned my lesson to always use one hand to point my dick down if I want to pee while sitting down.

Point down like this.

Point down like this.

This last story will be a description of when I told it to my friends the other night. Apparently, I tell shit stories during social gatherings. One of my friends threw in a non sequitur, asking if we know what a “shart” is, and then proudly revealing that it’s a shit and a fart. That sprung a shit story to mind and I decided to tell it. You know how sometimes you might think you have a fart and you take a gamble and lose? Well, one time, I did that but as soon as the fart didn’t seem right, I stopped it immediately. I rushed to the washroom to evaluate the situation. I wiped my ass and there was indeed shit. But there was no trace of shit in my underwear. It was one of my proudest moments in life to know that I was able to stop the shart before it was too late.

Really? That's impressive.

Really? That’s impressive.