I just sent an email to my friend Justin. I figured I’ll post it here too. I remember saying I didn’t want to be a bummer but I guess I’m just feeling extra shitty today.
You gotta appreciate what you have more man. So I spent the past month or so talking to various girls and none of them panned out at all. I just went for a walk with the girl that lives on my street and basically she just doesn’t like me. Apparently I’m too wild. wtf, seriously? lol. She didn’t say it so conclusively but it’s basically done. Then, after Laura hasn’t replied to a couple messages i sent her for a whole month, she replies saying she was busy with assignments. Like seriously, you can’t be so busy that you couldn’t have told me you were busy earlier. It’s simply an utter lack of respect from everyone. Sadly enough, as shitty as Laura is, if given the chance, I’ll probably go back. I’ve got no other options.
There are lots of things different about our lives, especially at this point, and I partially blame environmental conditions for my life’s shittiness. It’s not that I’ve been given conditions so shitty that they can’t be overcomed, but they’re definitely shittier. Think about everything you’ve got. As hard as it was for you to start clubbing, imagine having to make an extra 30 mins commitment per trip on transportation. Same thing with school. As hard as it was to go through it, imagine going through an extra hour of commute or having to work like crazy to have money to drive and park. Eldoled is kind of the reverse where you had to drive 30 mins which you didn’t have to drive if you lived where I lived but if you had my life, you wouldn’t have had the dad to connect you to that job to begin with.
Once again, it’s not like I had it so hard that the obstacles couldn’t be overcome but if we compare us 2 where we shared similar paths at one point, I was given shittier conditions at every step of the way. I’m so tired of this stupid life… Maybe I’ve feeling shittier because I’m off my meds now but there are also plenty of shitty external stimuli. I’ve already learned to not take a single word my family says seriously. My brother arranged to play board games with me during the day and he was out of the house the whole day without even a word. It’s one thing to not have anything, but it’s worse to constantly have people blatantly lie about doing stuff and showing complete no need to respect my feelings whatsoever. If I let myself feel more feelings, how could it be any better. I could go into more detail but whatever, there’s no point. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck shit.