Swallowing Pain

I have been sick for the past week. I can’t even remember the last time I got sick so this is new for me. I’ve always been mentally sick, but being physically sick is quite a bit different. I can’t really quantify whether I was more tired or I was just being lazy and using the sickness as an excuse not to do anything. The one biggest symptom is that my throat hurt like hell and swallowing is now painful.

 

When swallowing causes immense pain, it makes me question the necessity of swallowing. Normally, I would swallow saliva every 10 seconds or so and it would almost be an involuntary motion. During certain dental procedures, I might not swallow for a while but they have a tube sucking out the saliva for me. When I was a kid, I used to hate the smell of being inside a car. I went through a phase for a couple years where I felt that my saliva is nastier in the car. I also didn’t want to smell the car so I would only breath through my mouth and not swallow any saliva. At the end of every car ride, I would spit out a mouthful of saliva as soon as I jump out of the car. Describing it now makes me sound like the most disgusting little kid. If a car ride went above 30 minutes, it starts to get really difficult and I would almost feel like I’m drowning. My parents never addressed that messed up behaviour. I don’t think that was good parenting on their part.

 

Not swallowing is really a weird feeling. I can do it for ten minutes or so but then there’s this strong urge to just swallow, even if I know that it’s going to hurt like hell. That’s pretty much all I have to say about my dumb throat and saliva but I also want the title to be about swallowing the pain of a heartbreak. Sometimes it hurts so bad, I don’t know how anyone is supposed to deal with it. “Wisdom” would say that the bad moments are necessary to appreciate the good ones but thinking back on recent events, I do not believe that is the case at all. The heartbreak thing isn’t really about me and I feel like I’m writing crappily by being so vague about this but I think I’m just going to leave it like this for now.

 

There’s a few more things I want to write about from an episode of Joe Rogan Experience podcast I just listened to. The guest was Steve Maxwell who is a famous trainer. They talked about the shittiness of Crossfit for a bit. I barely know anything about Crossfit other than the fact that it’s supposed to be some sort of hardcore training regimen. Steve Maxwell discredited it in many ways, even on a common sense level, because the creator of Crossfit is a Greg Glassman, a doughy out of shape man. Why would anyone take fitness advice from him? How is this not common knowledge?

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Steve Maxwell also strongly believed that digesting food is very taxing on the body and has several negative effects. Statistically, places where people often live over 100 don’t have a habit of eating very much. In fact, they eat very little. Steve Maxwell knows the stats better and the names of the places as well. I didn’t bother retaining that information. It feels so much dumber to regurgitate information without the proper stats. The other really interesting thing he does is that whenever he feels ill, he’ll fast. His reasoning is that the human body naturally knows to get rid of the bad cells and use those for energy so you get rid of the bad stuff quicker plus you don’t bog the body down by making it digest a bunch of food. Steve Maxwell was definitely one of those guests that I did not think I would enjoy listening to but he was able to change my mind.

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Going Full Retard…

I’m not sure where to start… I guess first off, if you’re going to get offended at my liberal use of the word retard, you should stop reading now. This post is not about me going full retard, but I’ve wondered about that before. During one the earlier days of depression, when I was still exploring the extent it can affect me, I had spent some time making retard noises. It all started when I was taking a shit. (A lot of my stories seem to start off with me taking a shit.) I try to make as little noise as possible in all aspects of life so it goes without saying that I don’t make constipated noises either. However, I was home alone and didn’t give a shit and wanted to make some constipated noises for “fun”. From there, I noticed that it sounded similar to retard noises so I started making retard noises instead. There are things you can do in life that marks a new high or low point. Taking a shit while making retard noises definitely marked a new low point.

After I finished taking that shit, I went to lie in bed. It wasn’t because I was exhausted from taking a shit; going to bed is just the default thing to do when a person’s depressed and doesn’t want to do anything. In bed, I made some more retard noises. I noticed that it was kind of similar to bawling noises. Now, I only made these retard noises because I knew there was no one around to hear them so it wouldn’t negatively affect anyone. Even still, why the fuck am I making those noises? Am I becoming a retard? Prior to this incident, I wouldn’t make retard noises even if no one was around, because I’m not a retard. What if I started making retard noises when people are around. Would I be a retard then?

I said this post wasn’t about me turning retarded. It isn’t. That’s as far as I’ve explored in my retard transformation. This story will get really depressing from here on out. My uncle’s been dying from cancer and my aunt has been taking care of him. I’ve been living with them for a couple weeks now to help out. Today, my uncle seems to have gone full retard. It wasn’t an instant change. It was fairly gradual. For a long time now, he’s hasn’t had much energy. He seems to lose more energy with each passing day. Walking had be difficult for him for a while now, but he was still able to walk. He lost his ability to walk yesterday. It’s not completely gone, but he needs a lot of support to barely walk now. Last week, he was pretty much able to walk on his own and it was just safer to have supervision.

Let me backtrack a little more. My uncle’s currently living with his wife who’s taking care of him full time and his 30 year old daughter who’s a teacher during a day, and loving daughter by night. I wrote an entry about that “love” here so I won’t repeat that again. For the past 2 weeks, my uncle has pretty much been completely ignoring his wife and daughter, chalking it up to lack of energy. I get it though. They constantly ask him if he wants anything, if he wants more water, more food, more whatever. Everything except actual love… He obviously has no appetite and no motivation to do anything, so all those questions are just annoying. His wife actually gets pretty pissed that he doesn’t respond to her to his own detriment which causes her more trouble because she has to take care of him. The part she’s really pissed about is that he actually responds to his brothers when they visit. This makes my uncle out to be not in as bad a shape as he is actually in and it makes my aunt look like a bitch for not being able to handle it. Again, I kind of get it. The constant nagging of the same questions can get very annoying, especially for someone who’s depressed and going through a lot of physical pain from the cancer too.

The combination of his increasing difficulty to move and his lack of response has turned my uncle into a full retard in all practical sense. His daughter tries to tell him funny stories from work but he doesn’t laugh, doesn’t even react. I kind of get it. I’m depressed as well, probably not as much as him, and I don’t react to the stories either. I would politely laugh if she were telling me that story in a one-on-one conversation, but in a group setting, I don’t bother laughing. He’s unamused. He tried talking to the personal support worker but she was a dumb bitch who could barely speak English so that didn’t go well either. With no stimulation for so many days, it’s not surprising at all that it’s taking a toll on his mental health. Now I’m not taking sides here. I’m not saying my uncle is justified or not justified to behave the way he’s behaving. I’m just saying that I can kind of see how it got to be this way. I’m not saying my aunt is doing a good or bad job either. I don’t know what things were like a month ago, 6 months ago, a year ago. I can say that my aunt’s trying her best and doing a LOT for him. Maybe her best just isn’t enough. Maybe she’s not giving him what he wants. As far as I can tell, she hasn’t been giving him any stimulating conversation and hasn’t given him any sex. I’m not even sure if he’s even capable of having sex at this point or if he wants it. I don’t know if he wants stimulating conversations either. I’m just listing things that he’s not getting.

The problem I have with this whole situation is that I could’ve made a difference- I could’ve made things better. I also wrote about this before, but about 10 days ago, my uncle tried to talk to me. He asked if I wanted to hear what he has to say about my life and I said “Sure, if you want”. He was a bit unhappy with my response because he was trying to talk to me for my sake, not his. At least back then, he had the energy to respond that way. He went on and said generic crap about how life isn’t fair and I should get a diploma, blah blah blah, typical mainstream advice. Nothing profound about it at all. I just nodded along and said “uh huh” until finally he said he’d leave me to my work. He also advised me to wear more clothes because it’s cold and the flu is going around. I responded but did not wear more clothes because I knew I didn’t need it. One by one, everyone got sick, including my uncle, but I’m still fine. I don’t get sick. Even if I catch a bug and I get a fever, I am not sickly. I can still function at over 90% which is far more than most people’s 100%. The part I feel a little guilty about is that unlike the women in his family, he seems to respond to me the few times I’ve spoken to him over the past couple weeks. I’m not annoying (yet). If I were a better conversationalist, I could’ve helped make his last days a lot less miserable. But unfortunately, I didn’t do shit about it. I feel bad, but not THAT bad because it’s not my responsibility. For instance, he would probably feel better if I listened to his “wise words”. Then what? You want me to go to school and not be able to drive him to the hospital? That doesn’t exactly help him. Plus, my life is not for him to guide. Am I supposed to go to school and get a “good” job just so other people are happy? If I’m supposed to just do everything to make others happy, why don’t I blow him too. I’m sure life would be awesome if everyone tells you that your dick is delicious and they can’t get enough of it. But it’s not my job to do that. Neither is it my job to live my life to their old fashioned standards. If they would stop demoralizing me, maybe it wouldn’t take me so long to make games and be depressed as fuck while I do it. I’m choosing to do what I do regardless of what they say. They can either support me or get in my way. And everyone in my life just wants to fucking get in my way. They just want to relieve themselves of blame. Because of the generic advice they’re giving me, when I fail at life, I can’t justly blame them. Yet they don’t care that I’m presently blaming them for my misery. People are stupid.