Games SpoilTED Part I

Soul Calibur V
A sword will disguise itself as an angel and pretend to be your mom to trick you to do bad things. Why? Because it can. I’m not fond of fighting games so I knew I wasn’t going to like it from the start. It’s alright for a fighting game though. I just played through the stupid story and then made a girl character with the biggest possible boobs and played with that for another five minutes until I got bored. Okay I lied. I played with Tifa (the big boobed girl I made) for about 2 hours before I got bored.

No More Heroes: Heroes Paradise

I played the original 2 games on the wii. The gameplay and graphics were pretty shitty but it was excusable since it was on the wii. I liked the dialogues like this little gem of a pep talk where this chick tells you the boss you’re about to fight isn’t as tough as he looks and that he only looks tough because his mom is an ugly bitch. I was disappointed to find that the graphics had no noticeable improvements and the overall quality of the game is no longer excusable for the ps3. I actually didn’t bother playing past the first stage once I realized it was the same game.

Assassin’s Creed Brotherhood

You hit on your female co-worker for a while (the whole game) and then you stab her with a knife because “someone else was controlling your body”. Sounds like a necrophiliac rapist to me. In all seriousness, I liked the game. The first game was meh. The second game had some cool things added but it felt like there wasn’t enough of it. And this game heads down the same path, the right path, so I look forward to playing the next two games. There were a lot of collectables and side missions that I didn’t do because “in the end, it doesn’t even matter” to quote Linkin Park.

F.E.A.R 2: Project Origin

The crazy bitch from the ring jumps in your face every few minutes just to scare you for no reason. I’m not a fan of first person shooters nor horror games and I only played the game because it was rated M for partial nudity. Yes, I’m THAT horny. Gigabytes upon gigabytes of online porn isn’t enough for me… I actually enjoyed the game quite a bit, more than supposedly better games such as Crysis 2.

Crysis 2

I wanted to play through the game on easy just to see the work that’s put in but the game designers didn’t want me to finish the game. Time and time again, they don’t tell me where to go and I have to waste so much time trying to jump on everything. Actually, it’s worse than not telling me where to go because they pretend to tell you where to go, mark the location on your map, but make the locations unnecessarily convoluted to reach and make you feel like a dumbass for not knowing where to go right away. There are too many other games to play so I didn’t bother finishing this game.

Infamous 2
You have some crazy powers and you get to choose between 2 girls who also has crazy powers as well as choosing to be moral or immoral. The asian girl is morally good and the black girl is evil. Throughout the game, you choose to be good or evil and you get different powers (and girl) based on your choices. On the last mission, for lousy reasons, just to fuck with you, the crazy bitches switch roles. The black girl becomes good and the asian one becomes bad. Basically, you gotta choose between sticking to your morals (or the lack thereof) or sticking to your crazy girl getting mad at things for no reason. Sounds too much like real life… I play video games so that I don’t have to deal with these girl problems and the developers thought it would be funny to invade virginland with it. In all seriousness, it was a really fun game and I look forward to maybe replaying it on the opposite side someday. For now, I’ve got too many games queued up that I want to go through first.

More Words From Ted
(This first entry was particularly long because… because… … …I don’t know why. Because I randomly decided I want to write more to make up for a few days of absence and I did that by writing less about each game.)

That is in parentheses because I realized after writing it that it was stupid so I was about to delete it but since I already wrote it, I’m just going to put it in parentheses instead. Yes, I agree. Ted’s mind is indeed retarded. I also just realized I forgot to include Ni No Kuni and instead of going back and adding it, I’m going to save it for another topic. I just started Dragon Ball Z Ultimate Tenkaichi and I also have Atelier Ayesha and Crysis 3 with me. I will also be getting my hands on Final Fantasy XIII-2 in a few days. I also want to say that I also noticed that I used the word “also” a lot in the last two sentences. I also notice I use “anyway” and “realize” a lot. I realize that I don’t know what to make of this note I just made so I probably should’ve just kept it in my head. Anyway, those will be the games I will be writing about for the next part.